I was having a conversation with a fellow deep thinker and expressed frustration over my lack of meaningful communication with people. No matter my efforts, I couldn't achieve much.
She agreed and related. Yet, while I was frustrated at the thought of people not wanting to have deeper conversations, she suggested that people do have an interest. They simply don’t know how. That got me thinking, and from thinking, I started writing.
With a rise in loneliness, anxiety, and depression in a world that’s ostensibly so technologically connected, how many of us actually engage in meaningful communication day to day? How many of us actually have meaningful relationships?
That number is smaller than people are willing to admit. In part because the truth hurts, and in part because sometimes we don’t know what we have never had.
The more I talk to people, the more I realize maybe she’s right. Many people don’t know how to communicate. Not well. But maybe like me, they also desire connection.
Certainly, that’s the case.
God designed each of us for some form of human companionship. He said about Adam, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper corresponding to him” (Genesis 2:18). God feels the same way about us today. Living life alone is not good. We’re humans, we’re social creatures, made to be dependent on one another. And as Christians, meaningful communication is integral to our faith. We require such in our connection to God and other people. Without it we become islands. In the world or in the church, but not connected to anyone. Just ourselves.
Maybe you want to get better at the communication you currently practice, or maybe you’re awkward and shy and don’t know where to start. Certainly, God calls us to be in community. Wherever you are, however old you are, there’s plenty we can all learn.
I’m no expert. Just an ordinary guy drawing from wisdom taught to me and lessons learned on my own over the years. Here’s my take on a Christian guide to meaningful communication.
Don’t Just Hear, Listen
We speak words and carry on conversations day to day, but how many of those interactions do we recall? When someone shares what they did over the weekend, do we forget the moment that conversation concludes? Our relationships benefit when we choose to not just hear, but listen. Listening is active and requires us to internalize the information someone shares. We’re able to remember details without being prompted because we place some level of importance on what gets shared with us.
Like ourselves, people appreciate having someone to listen to them. Listening is powerful enough to make anyone feel valued and seen in a world that is always on the go. Plus, listening grounds us in the present.
Ask Questions
Rather than passively listening to what someone is saying, try active listening. Ask questions about the information they just shared. As you encourage them to continue sharing, you are all the more helping them feel valued and seen. Something so simple is appreciated beyond words today. Far too many of us go about our daily lives wanting to speak our thoughts, but for one reason or another, opt for silence instead. Having someone encourage us to share is valuable.
Agree to Disagree
You don’t have to lose a relationship over disagreeing. Nor should we form relationships for the sake of agreeing. Rather, a God-fearing community is one that allows for healthy conflict, because, like suffering, conflict is what produces growth. Commonality is where the friendship forms, but differences are where the friendship matures.
Many of us today reside in echo chambers, where the people closest to us say everything we like and never the things we do not. Growing in Christ requires us to change over time. Some of that change will happen as a result of communication with other people. If we close ourselves off from those tough conversations, unsurprisingly, we close ourselves off from stronger faith too.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Monkey Business Images
Don’t Assume
We all judge a book by its cover, and doing so makes sense. That’s how we get a sense of someone’s character and gauge potential threats. However, when considering meaningful conversation, we shouldn’t make hard assumptions about someone’s character before we take the time to get to know them. Doing so has the potential to keep us from forming relationships all because of what we think of someone and not for the reality of who they are. Assumptions prevent us from representing Christ to someone and prevent them from doing the same for us.
Prioritize the Other Person
There’s a reason narcissism is such a popular topic today. There’s also a reason no one thinks of themselves as a narcissist. Whether you do or do not fall into that category, Scripture admonishes us to treat others the way we want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). And we certainly appreciate being prioritized and taken care of. We should strive to do such in all of our relationships. Not only will they feel good, but we will too. And we’ll be serving in the process. Not only that, but when we model the Golden Rule, we encourage the same sort of behavior in those we encounter.
Talk about Something Meaningful
How many ordinary people actually want to talk about the weather with strangers? How many people, if asked, would prefer to have good conversations they forget in an hour versus chats they recall for a lifetime?
Anytime we talk to someone, we have the potential for a meaningful conversation. But in order to get there, we have to step outside our typical line of dialogue. Don’t talk about the weather or work or the mundane things you do with family. Ask harder questions. Ask about topics that matter to the other person. Not because you’re seeking agreement, disagreement, or a debate, but because you want to learn something new about them.
Put Yourself Out There
Plenty of us have some degree of social anxiety, whether at the office party or at the family reunion. We don’t know what to say or to who or when. That intimidating feeling can tempt us to shut everyone out and stick to what feels safe, or we can lean into the discomfort. Meaningful connections happen when we take a chance and put ourselves out there.
If you hope to make a friend, find a spouse, or improve a relationship, you benefit from being proactive rather than waiting around for the other person. We can’t control them. We can control ourselves.
If you have the communications skills, but don’t imagine you have the outlets, then think again. Even if you “work from home,” try taking your work to a public place like a library. Or, when you’re grocery shopping, try chatting with the person at the cash register. You never know whose day you will brighten and you never know what new meaningful connections you can make.
Being socially awkward to start is okay and doesn’t last forever, not when you’re putting in that practice.
Ask God for Stronger Communication
We can pray to God not just for wisdom in how we communicate, but also for the experiences that make our communication stronger. We have to learn from Scripture, through prayer, from other people, and then we have to put what we learn into practice. Communication doesn’t come to most people naturally, but most of us can learn.
Conclusion
Young people get a lot of criticism for having social anxiety in what some would consider ridiculous situations, like calling someone on the phone. But our society’s communication struggles didn’t originate with young folks. They didn’t teach themselves how to communicate. The issue is instead generational, an area where every generation has fallen short in some capacity.
But where we struggle, we can overcome.
Communication can be a lot of things: funny, scary, insightful, intimidating, and also meaningful. Whether you are an expert or an amateur conversationalist, as Christians, God calls for us to be in community. What meaningful community can any of us hope to have without meaningful communication?
You don’t have to be perfect. You can be awkward. Very awkward. What matters more is that we use communication as a way of serving one another, and ultimately, as a way to serve God.
Photo Credit: Unsplash/Harli Marten
Aaron D'Anthony Brown is a freelance writer, hip-hop dance teacher, and visual artist, living in Virginia. He currently contributes to Salem Web Network’s Crosswalk platform and supports various clients through the freelancing website Upwork. He's an outside-the-box thinker with a penchant for challenging the status quo.
Get in touch with him at aarondanthony.com and check out his debut short story anthology Honey Dreams on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.