Words like narcissism and gaslighting continually gain recognition as awareness grows around forms of emotional, spiritual, and psychological abuse and destructive relationship patterns. For all the content out there today, the terms can also become watered down in meaning and overused to where they lose meaning and impact. Even so, we benefit from learning what these terms mean and how harm results.
Christians are not immune to the damaging effects of gaslighting by others who claim to be Christian and appear godly. Individuals who deceive and manipulate while maintaining kind outward appearances harm far too many in faith communities.
One thing I’ve observed for many well-intentioned believers is a tendency to assume good intentions behind seemingly good actions, especially if someone professes to be a Christian. Although this is helpful in some regard, undiscerning acceptance puts us in a dangerous position when we don’t see evil lurking behind what appears good. The enemy is well-versed in appearing good, knowing things about God, and using these in deceptive ways (Genesis 3; 2 Corinthians 11:3; 2 Corinthians 11:14, Romans 16:17-18).
As a child, I would have accepted almost anything a spiritual leader said. This included pastors, elders, teachers, or anyone who appeared to know spiritual things. I wanted to please God, which also led to pleasing attempts around others, especially those in positions of authority. While I felt genuinely passionate about doing good things for God, I also opened myself up to unhealthy vulnerability as I grew older.
This desire to do good and see God’s good play out in our lives is good. Yet, without emotional and spiritual maturity through developing who we are and how we live - as adults fully responsible for our lives - we are prone to manipulation by others who seem good but aren’t. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation causing severe distress for many unwary believers.
What Is Gaslighting?
The term Gaslighting comes from a 1938 play, later redone for a British movie (1940) and an American version (1944). In this story, a husband tries to make his wife believe she is mentally unstable by denying reality. When his wife notices the dimmer gas lights (gas-powered lamps), he tells her she is imagining things. Even though he caused the gas lights to dim, he says the lights aren’t dimmer. His pattern of behavior, including distortion and denial of reality, caused his wife to question what she believed to be true. This pattern is often referred to as gaslighting today.
How Is Gaslighting Damaging?
Gaslighting destroys a person’s sense of orientation in the world and causes them to doubt their ability to trust their senses. When someone is consistently told their reality (or experience) is not what they say it is, and somehow, they are at fault, sinful, or unable to see the truth for themselves, they become unsure and confused. They may experience intense emotions as they wrestle to be heard, seen, and understood. Their confusion may cause them to depend on others’ interpretations of reality because they no longer trust themselves.
As a result of gaslighting, the person’s sense of self is eroded. Isolation and anxiety increase. God’s design for a fully vibrant human being made in his image gets thwarted. Mental and emotional maturity degrades.
What Is Spiritual Gaslighting?
Spiritual gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation and deception through beliefs, scripture, and concepts related to God that devalue and distort another person’s sense of self, spirituality, perception, and reality. This type of gaslighting is particularly malicious as it undermines more than your ability to view yourself and the world around you the way God intended. It distorts who God is, how he works, and your ability to connect to the God who created you.
Spiritual gaslighting occurs when an individual twists scripture or spiritual principles to fit the narrative they’re trying to convince you of. It is not of God. It is of man, with evil origins that are highly damaging.
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A Scenario of Spiritual Gaslighting
Imagine a friend, colleague, family member, or church leader saying or doing something rude, highly dismissive, invalidating, demeaning, and condescending. When you notice feeling shame, anger, sadness, confusion, or fear due to what they said or did, you also realize this isn’t the first time you’ve experienced it. There’s a pattern playing out with this person, and you’re consistently left feeling off.
You notice something about your conversations with them that goes beyond being callous and dismissive. But what is it?
Now, imagine the offending person offers a seemingly positive attempt to repair your ruptured relationship. They use sincere and godly words, like, “I’m sorry I behaved this way. Please forgive me.” Their face appears to show kindness, but it doesn’t quite feel right.
Since you desire to see good and Christlike results, you quickly forgive, offer grace, and deny the negative effects you experienced. Because you rationalize what you think you should do and what you shouldn’t feel, you believe it is your job to deny self. You’re left feeling confused and foggy. You might even feel betrayed, dismissed, and used.
What if the words and gestures they offered meant one thing to you and something completely different to them?
When asking for forgiveness is emotionally manipulative, it is often done to keep you quiet and deny the truth of what happened. The offender may also tell you why you should forgive them or to do so (& do so quickly) because God says to. (Colossians 3:14). A desire to protect themselves motivates their request for forgiveness, not concern for the harm they caused.
An Example of Using “Forgive and Forget” to Gaslight
Instead of feeling comforted with less pain, your feelings of anger or sadness, or your intuition that something felt off, are now used against you. You’re told you should “forgive and forget.”. The professing Christian shows signs of relief, but you’re left wondering what just happened. It doesn’t make sense, so you start wondering what’s wrong with you. In an attempt to fix this feeling of uncertainty, mixed with shame, you search for something you believe you should do to respond right as a Christian.
You were hurt (or harmed) by the actions of another, and the offending person seems to respond with remorse. Still, somehow the result of your conversation leaves you feeling worse about yourself and your role in the incident with another person.
This is what many experience when they’ve been emotionally and spiritually manipulated by someone using Christian phrases or beliefs. Gaslighting causes people to question their reality. This happens through a series of incidents with denial of truth and attempts to control another person’s understanding of reality.
Saying “forgive me” is not the same as seeking forgiveness. Words do not always mean what we think they mean, and this principle is important here when we consider how someone may use this phrase to gaslight another.
How Christians Gaslight Themselves and Others
“Forgive me” is one of many Christian phrases that keep us stuck, hidden, and hurting. Using these words without empathy for how our behavior affects others (and without actions leading to honoring ways of engaging) fosters denial. When we turn to what seems and sounds spiritually good to avoid the bad we feel by hurting or harming another, we deny reality. Ongoing patterns of denial continually erode our ability to connect to truth.
Denial is a form of defensive self-protection from feeling bad. Rather than face reality, we employ various means to protect ourselves. Believers often include words and actions that seem spiritual but deny the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. We can use Christian phrases as a form of gaslighting ourselves and others. Instead of drawing closer to God’s truth about who we are, who He is, and how He loves us, we’re drawn to rely on ourselves - apart from God. It’s a false world, void of God’s goodness.
Spiritual language isn’t all bad. But it can become habitual as a way of keeping ourselves from acknowledging the truth of what we think, feel, believe, need, and have to offer. We use these phrases to undermine reality. When we convince ourselves and others that what we experienced as bad actually wasn’t, we learn to distrust God’s ability to help us navigate difficulties.
Forgiveness is a beautiful gift. When forgiveness is offered the way God designed it, it leads to healing and deeper connections. My hope and prayer for this article is that we would not become overly skeptical of anyone asking to be forgiven, but discerning the ways “forgive me” is used to twist God’s good ways into something harmful.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/fizkes
Jolene Underwood is a trauma and abuse-informed therapist and growth coach. Jolene helps individuals cultivate the courage, character, and connection for the LIFE they’re designed for. Her personal journey towards emotional health and training in Christian counseling inform the practical support she provides for spiritual growth and emotional healing. Her tool, Unleash: Heart and Soul Care Sheets, has helped hundreds experience greater freedom. For further support, teaching, and tools in developing the life God designed for you, she offers a growth community called Cultivate Together. Connect with her online via YouTube/Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Pinterest at @theJoleneU or stay up to date on new content via Jolene Underwood's Newsletter.
Note: Counseling services are available via telehealth for adult residents of Texas only. No advice given here should be a substitute for mental health services.