There is a narrative that I have to try to fight against about being a full-time mom with only a small side hustle going on when it comes to financially contributing to our home. This narrative tells me that I am less because I am not “working” in the traditional sense. There is no 9 am to 5 pm grind. No chit-chat at the coffee bar with my co-workers. I don’t have a 401K, and my overpriced college degree is basically useless to me at this point in my life.
To add insult to injury, I’ve chosen to extend my stay as a stay-at-home parent when we choose to homeschool our kiddos. No professional accolades are on the horizon for my future. I sneak in time to write during nap times and during the rare moments of playtime harmony that sometimes happen in our home. Further professional ambition is not on my mind. I have no idea what I’m going to do when I grow up. Almost every amount of “work” I do is unseen yet requires more patience and growth than any office job I’ve ever had the chance to work.
I remember when I first transitioned from being a teacher to working nights and weekends in retail while my husband also worked several jobs so we could make ends meet on his teacher salary and plus whatever else we could earn while taking turns being home with our littles. Every person who asked me about my work, children, and more I felt inclined to tell them a very long story that included way too many financial details to justify my humbling perceived step back into motherhood and selling bridal gowns. I need them to know I had jumped through the hoops, gotten the degree, at once had a career, and now was just taking a little break to do what my family needed. I was insecure and never felt like enough.
Perfection Means Nothing to Our Kids
One way I tried to “prove my worth” to myself, I guess, because no one else really cared, was to make sure I went way above and beyond at home. I kept a clean, organized house, always a fresh homemade meal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I stayed invested in church and friends, and also made my babies participate in story times, craft times, and all the other times. I felt running a perfect home was one way to prove I was still valuable.
Boy, was I shocked to realize my kids could care less about the perfection of the home. In fact, they basically spend every second of their days trying to undo what I felt I needed to make right. They throw my delicious healthy muffins on the floor, dump bins of toys out and mix up the contents with other toy bins as much as possible. They complain when I make them sit and let me read to them, and only want to make their own crafts. They could care less if what they have made looks like the ladybug I centered our lesson on. They just want to scribble on the said ladybug and make it their own.
Guess what? All the cleaning and cooking I do also go largely unnoticed by my loving husband too. While he does his best, his life is busy, and appreciating the ten times I vacuumed in an afternoon so he did not come home to a disaster is completely beyond what he has space to even see. If I look at him to feel like I am enough, I will be woefully disappointed, and believe me, I’ve spent many years being bitter because he did not do “enough” in my mind to affirm my daily sacrifice of service for my family.
We Are Enough Because of Jesus, Not Because of Something We Produce
I think Jesus sent me on this long-life journey of stay-at-home parenting in order to teach me one lesson that most of us miss. He took away everything I felt defined me as valuable so I could see that I am enough because of Jesus and not because of anything I can produce.
Real talk: I’m actually not the best mom. I don’t always love being with my kids. I have struggled to manage my mental health while serving my people. So, God has put me not only in a role that can feel utterly unseen by the whole world. Stay-at-home moms are often even mocked for taking this role. And I wasn’t even great at it. Talk about a way to really show me my weakness so I could start to rely on his strength and not my own.
Jesus calls us to this job not just for our kids but for us. To teach us. To grow us. And to show up when no one else sees us.
All we have to do is be obedient to the call we’ve been given, and the rest is out of our hands. It’s not about perfect houses, kids, or any other measure of success. It’s about surrender. We love in this way because he first loved us. We, as mommas, give sacrificially to our families because God laid down the life of his son for us. The job is about showing God’s love to your people, failures, sorries, and redo’s and all, every day.
Being Present Matters Most
As my kids keep growing and those crazy baby toddler years are coming to a close, I am seeing something as true that I couldn’t appreciate at the start of my journey. Being here matters most. The relationship you build with your kids, their friends, your friends, community, church, and more is what has the greatest eternal value.
So some days, what I need to do is neglect the laundry, leave the crumbs on the floor, neglect all my writing, and just be on an adventure with my people. Those are the days that will hold us close when the storms of life come. Those are the days I will never regret when my house is much quieter, emptier, and I finally figure out what I want to do when I grow up.
Remember, even when the enemy wants to tell you that you're not enough. You're not making enough money. You're not doing enough at home. Your kids are not well-behaved enough. Whatever the “not enough” lie is… the real truth is the relationships you pour your life into are a gift that you give that never fades. Your kids will never say I wish I didn’t have as much time with you, Mom. Keep up this good work that God has called you to. Be obedient and steadfast. The rest is out of your hands.
Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God's Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.