"Mom, can I spend the night at my friend's house?"
For many parents, that question elicits a plethora of emotions. Until a few years ago, it never occurred to me the answer would be anything but an elated "yes!" from any parents– but times have changed. Perhaps it was because when I heard my friends with older children discussing this "hot topic," I was in the trenches of toddlers, babies, and newborns. If someone offered to keep my kids overnight, for that matter, what was there to consider? However, as my children grew older and my girls began asking about having friends spend the night and receiving invitations to sleepovers, I was slightly more cautious than eager to agree to an overnight away.
Whether you are team YOLO (you only live once) or "Yeah No," I hope not to encourage or discourage letting your children spend the night away from home. In the past few years, I have found that both believers and non-believers fall all over the board on this issue.
Spoiler alert: there is no right or wrong answer, and this is one of those issues where the Bible doesn't give us a clear answer. Instead, we must lean into our personal conscience, pray, and ask the Lord to guide us and use a great deal of discernment.
This is not an exhaustive list of considerations. You also may adapt and change your decision as you and your child advance through different ages and stages. And you may alter your final decision based on the event. (i.e., school overnight trip, sleepover at a friend's house, or church lock-in). Still, if you are wrestling with the decision to allow your child to spend the night away, here are three considerations that can be a great starting point for making the right call for your family. This article will help you consider a few things before making your final decision– which, of course, is subject to change as you and your child transition through different seasons of life.
1. Your Child's Age
Considering your children's age may seem obvious to most but let me explain. Older children, specifically those with a good grasp of right and wrong, can share with their parents if they experience something out of the ordinary, inappropriate, or that goes against their family's rules. It would be difficult for your child, who is still learning verbal communication or beginning to understand your expectations, to share if they had a negative experience.
Does this same thought process apply to family members? I readily acknowledge I am fortunate to have grown up in a very functional, godly, and comfortable family by most people's standards. In my circumstances, I have never questioned whether my children could stay with my parents, in-laws, siblings, and even extended family. There has been no history of abuse, and their lives produce biblical fruit, to where I feel my children would be safe and cared for in their care.
Perhaps my children might experience later bedtimes, higher doses of sugar, and more screen time than average, but nothing that would cause harm or blatantly goes against our family's rules. I have other friends who grew up in dysfunctional families or feel that their extended family contradicts their parenting style and choose not to allow their children to stay overnight. I would say that, specifically with relatives, you should speak with your spouse or another trusted source of wisdom and decide what you both think is best.
But, back to our original consideration, your child's age. When your children are away from your care, they will undoubtedly be confronted with many decisions. It could be deciding what movie to watch at a sleepover or sneaking out of the cabin at summer camp; your child, when not in your presence, has many options, and you aren't there to control the outcome. By delaying overnight stays until your child is more mature, the hope would be they would have a good grasp of your family's values and behavioral expectations and seek to honor your parenting wishes in your absence. Again, this is not a fool-proof method, but an older child, a middle schooler, for example, will be more capable of saying "no," and less influenced by those than a younger elementary-age child.
2. The Environment
The first time I asked to spend the night with a friend from school before my parents agreed, they wanted to meet the family I would be staying with. They invited my friend's parents for dinner, took time to get to know them, spoke with a few mutual friends, and deemed it appropriate for me to stay over. For some, that may sound a little extreme; for others, perhaps my parents didn't do their due diligence. Either way, parents must know the company our children keep, their friends, and their families. Some questions to consider before sending your child overnight:
- Do we have any friends in common? If so, do they give a good reference?
- Do they profess to be Christians? If so, is spiritual fruit evident?
- Are there red flags or concerns about their lifestyle if they aren't believers?
- Do you have any reservations? Can you discuss that with the family?
- Do they have any older siblings, especially those of the opposite sex?
- Have you offered to have their child stay at your house if you don't feel comfortable?
- Do you trust the chaperones/teachers/counselors, etc?
- Have you spoken with other people about their experience (camp/school trip, etc)?
Don't feel you need to go through this checklist every time your child asks to go away but consider asking a few of the above questions if you have concerns. Once your child returns home, I encourage you to dig into their experience.
- Who was there?
- What did they do?
- What do they watch?
- What did they talk about?
- What did they have for dinner?
- Did they do anything different than usual?
- Did anyone come over that they didn't know?
- Did they ever feel uncomfortable?
- Would they want to go back?
Again, it's unnecessary to grill your child each time they return home, but ask a few questions, pausing from time to time; letting your child share about their experience will help you in your future decisions to allow them to spend the night out.
3. Pray and Pause
I am not trying to give a rote Sunday school answer but merely point out the spiritual and practical advantages of praying before making a final decision. As a decisive person, I make quick decisions without fully understanding all the details. There might be a genuine need for a fast "yes or no," but I often regret my initial answer when I declare without praying or giving myself time to think about it.
You may never feel comfortable letting your child spend the night away, and that's okay. Conversely, you may think there's no need for further conversation; you're confident in allowing your child to spend the night. Whichever camp you fall into, we do a disservice to ourselves (and others) when we refuse to acknowledge that we aren't stagnant people; our circumstances change and, therefore, maybe, our opinions on specific topics.
Perhaps your "not-yet" evolves into a "with people we feel comfortable with." Maybe a "of course" transforms into a "let's take it circumstance by circumstance." We need to be people who pause before we speak; discernment is not just about making good decisions but when and how to execute those decisions. Let's pray, ask the Lord to clarify, and sense peace whatever we decide. Specifically, let's seek wisdom over knowledge- becoming people who know how to apply truth rightly and not only absorb facts (or not only accept what others decide as a good fit for our unique situation).
Like many other things in parenting, I wish the Bible provided more straightforward black-and-white answers. I fear I will choose wrongly for my children, completely messing them up. But, friend, we aren't that powerful, and that's the good news. The Lord is sovereign over all, and He can use imperfect people and less-than-favorable circumstances for His glory. Let us prayerfully consider before we make decisions for our family. No matter where we land, let's all agree to be people who seek to bring glory to God in all we say and do.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Anastasiia Boriagina
Laura Bailey is an author and Bible teacher who encourages women to understand what they believe, why it matters, and how to apply biblical truths to their lives. Her recent book, Embracing Eternity in the Here and Now, explores how the timeless truths of Ecclesiastes help us live more peaceful, purposeful, and plentiful lives today.
She lives in Upstate South Carolina with her husband and three young girls, where she serves as director of women's ministries at her church. Her passion is teaching the Bible to women, equipping them to live with an eternal perspective. Invite Laura to speak at your next event or learn more: www.LauraRBailey.com