Being a man today can be difficult. There’s trouble on the dating scene, where we aren’t sure exactly what we bring to the table or what we’re even allowed to bring. We wonder how we can find a wife who shares our values during a time of hooking up, rampant divorce, and OnlyFans. Though we call the men in our lives friends, they aren’t challenging us to grow. Our friendships remain on the surface, never venturing too deep. Society seems to be against us: toxic masculinity, mansplaining, and people telling us to be more effeminate. Then, there’s the internal issue of purpose. Many of us are just drifting through life without ambition or goals. After all, why put in the effort if we aren’t needed in society?
Our fathers and grandfathers believed that they were teaching us how to be men, but their generation and the generations before paved the way for where we are today. Men have ended up so lost.
The church provides some solace with opportunities to connect with like-minded brethren, but the church is not free from cultural norms. And if you’re a young man at a church with older adults or an older adult at a younger church, finding these connections and community can be difficult. With that difficulty comes loneliness.
Yet, no matter how lonely you are or how broken you feel, you are not alone. There are other men, even if you don’t know them, who are contending with the same experiences. They know the feeling of being looked over. They understand the frustration of trying to do the right thing and still not seeing the desired results. I certainly do.
But more importantly, you are not alone because you worship a God who is with you, for you, and loves you. He gives us reason to push forward with hope despite the circumstances we face.
Much of society is struggling with loneliness right now; sadly, men make up the majority of those who commit suicide. However, we can curb these statistics by discovering God’s purpose for our lives, seeking meaningful fellowship, and finding ways to be vulnerable. We don’t have to give up. We can endure.
Here are nine ways you can encourage yourself during the seasons of loneliness:
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1. Pray
“Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (Philippians 4:6)
Your first and foremost line of defense against loneliness is your relationship with God. This doesn’t preclude loneliness, but it does help. While we may be tempted to find support in people, substances, or porn, no one and no thing can satisfy us the way God does. He knows us even better than we know ourselves. Through prayer, we become humble before His knowledge and allow Him to work His will in our lives. The more we pray, the more He conforms us to the image of Christ. The more we become like Christ, the less of a sting loneliness will have. We will take a whole new perspective on our circumstances.
2. Read Scripture
“All Scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, for rebuking, for correcting, for training in righteousness,” (2 Timothy 3:16)
Aside from praying, we connect with God through Scripture. The more of His word we know, the more we will know how to handle loneliness. We’ll garner wisdom that includes verses to recall in moments of struggle. Moreover, we will find reminders that believers before us, like David and Job, also struggled with loneliness. Yet, they overcame, and we can, too.
3. Fellowship
“For where two or three are gathered together in my name, I am there among them.”” (Matthew 18:20)
If you aren’t doing so yet, beating loneliness requires our own effort, and much of it. We can’t pray and simply wait for God to act. Faith without works is dead. Our hope for connection is dead if we don’t play our part.
Start small by saying hello to people, then work your way up to small talk. From there, try to ask more meaningful questions, and at some point, take a risk and ask someone to hang out outside of where you normally see them. There are definitely people to meet at church, but why limit yourself to just there? Forge relationships in class, at the grocery store, in your neighborhood. You don’t have to be someone’s friend to talk to them, or even hang out.
4. Flirt, Date, Marry
“This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)
We flirt, we date, all for the purpose of getting married. If marriage is not your end goal, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Broken relationships have a way of making us feel lonely. If we go in with the right goals, then we’re more likely to achieve those ideal outcomes.
5. Be Emotionally Vulnerable
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is very powerful in its effect.” (James 5:16)
We benefit ourselves when we take the time to communicate. Not just to affirm, but to offer constructive feedback, too. Today’s culture dictates so much constant affirmation that people abandon relationships when faced with criticism. This makes men weak and keeps us lonely. If we are imperfect people, then there are bound to be ways you and I can grow. And if we can grow, then we will discover those areas by being vulnerable.
6. Don’t Settle for Bad Relationships
“Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”: (1 Corinthians 15:33)
If you recognize your worth, then there’s no need to settle for subpar relationships. That applies to dating and platonic friendships. When we settle for what’s less than, we exacerbate more of those bad feelings. Don’t expect marriage to be a solution to loneliness. Sometimes having no relationship is better than having a bad one.
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7. Avoid Porn
“I say, then, walk by the Spirit and you will certainly not carry out the desire of the flesh.” (Galatians 5:16)
More so than you realize, porn changes the way you view women. They will never match up to what’s presented in those explicit movies and images: submissiveness, augmented bodies, and loveless scenarios. No matter how attractive the woman looks on screen, if you could see her heart you would see someone who is in despair. Real women are more complicated, demanding, but they’re also more loving and authentic. The ones on the screen won’t bring you closer to God, only further away.
Porn also changes the way you view God and yourself. When we give into temptation we feel dirty and ashamed. We essentially give loneliness permission to stay and grow, despite our desire to feel differently.
8. Practice Acceptance
“I know how to make do with little, and I know how to make do with a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through him[a] who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:12-13)
One trait that makes us men is a desire to do something. We don’t just want to talk about our problems. We want to act. When women get together, they are more comfortable just chatting about problems. We seek solutions. However, not everything is in our control. Sometimes we are called to wait on God. This doesn’t mean we do nothing, but that we shouldn’t expect for a lonely season to end until God says so. We perform good actions in faith until then.
9. Expect Adversity and Persevere
“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.”” (John 16:33)
You can’t quit when the going gets tough, not if you hope to serve God and others by doing great things in life. Like death, suffering comes for all of us. Yet, Christ reassures us that we can take refuge in Him. If you believe that God is for you, with you, and loves you, and that He will provide all of your needs, then who or what could ever stand against you?
Conclusion
Something is missing in our lives. That we know. But how to get that thing, we often find ourselves unsure. This is when you stand on what you know you know.
If only you had a timeline as to when, where, and how God would deliver you. Maybe then you could believe good things awaited you. Maybe then you could believe in God. But you don’t have to wait to believe. He’s given us His Word and with His Word, plenty of promises.
You have worth. God created you with a purpose in mind. You may not know what that purpose is yet, but you can find out. You may not know who your people are, but you can find them. In the meantime, you can keep doing what’s right as you patiently await His guidance.
Believe me, I know dealing with loneliness is not easy. I know what it’s like to not want to see tomorrow. But I implore you to hang in there, keep trying. His deliverance will come.
Loneliness does not last forever.
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