Heading toward the car, my daughter wore the day's highs and lows in her expression. She didn't have to say anything. On extra tough days, her lips are clamped shut, her arms securely crossed, and her gaze set out the window.
Once after-school bellies are full, homework completed, and an hour has passed, vegging out on the couch, typically, my daughter will shuffle over to me and tell me about her day. Sometimes, it's a test she didn't prepare for. One day, she spilled spaghetti on her shirt at lunch. But often, playground conversations are the source of her foul mood.
I remember girl drama, frenemies, and general friendship tension that started in the older grades, but unfortunately, it now begins in elementary school. Especially in today's culture, friendships are more complicated. School is a melting pot of different family dynamics, backgrounds, and cultures. Children are exposed to more grown-up things at a younger age.
As parents, we desire to protect our children as long as possible, but we won't be there for every conversation, the countless decisions they must make, or the difficult situations they will face. So, instead, we need to teach our children how to navigate playground conversations and friendships well.
1. Teach Your Children How to Use Discernment
My girls will one day share with their adult friends, "Every time the church opened, my parents had us there!" While there are plenty of times the church is "open for business," and our family is not present, we spend numerous hours a week serving, worshiping, and fellowshipping under the church's roof. My husband and I grew up similarly, attending Sunday services, Bible schools, small groups, youth trips, family devotions, and daily quiet times.
Yet, for all the Bible stories, lessons, and Christian conferences we attended, as we grew older and left our parents' protective thumb, my husband and I struggled when faced with situations in which believers had different responses. Yes, we knew what the Bible said about the "bigger" topics: save sex for marriage, avoid drunkenness, foolish talk, gossiping, and slander, but what about the greyer areas of our faith? How does this believer feel comfortable watching that show when my conscience is pricked? Or perhaps this couple feels they are giving generously, and the Spirit pushes us to do more? This is when we need a deep understanding of biblical discernment.
While all of Scripture is equally important, as a family, we try to highlight when God tells Solomon he can ask for anything, and he asks for wisdom (1 Kings 3:9-12). Of all the things Solomon could have asked for—wealth, longevity, prosperity—he asked for wisdom. And this was the Lord's response, "Behold; I now do according to your word. Behold, I give you a wise and discerning mind so that none like you has been before you and none like you shall arise after you" (1 Kings 3:12). Often, we use wisdom and knowledge interchangeably, but they mean two different things. Knowledge is the acquisition of facts or information; wisdom is the proper application of knowledge.
Teaching our children to understand and apply what they have learned in our homes, church, and the Bible is vital as they encounter different situations and interact with people. So, when a playmate introduces a new word during recess, we encourage our children to think before repeating it or sharing it with others. When a friend wants to exclude other girls from playing with them, we coach our children to think through the consequences of leaving people out.
I am nearing forty, and I still struggle with discernment. I am not advocating we overly burden our children with making every right choice, but by introducing the concept through conversation and experience, we guide them to future success.
2. Bring it Back to the Golden Rule
I was eating lunch with a group of moms, and someone asked about children creating clubs at school. Specifically, clubs during recess that were exclusive. While this typically tends to be an issue with adolescent girls, their male counterparts can also fall prey to only allowing certain kids to play the game, participate in the race, or whatever activity it is that day.
The tension these moms wrestled with was explaining that there are times in clubs, organizations, or activities when exclusion is appropriate and necessary. Still, it has no place on the playground. I shared a strategy one of my favorite English teachers said when we were mentally stuck: K.I.S.S, Keep It Simple, Silly! Bring our children back to the basic principle found in the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them to do you."
If sharing this invaluable life advice with your children elicits an eye roll, like it does with mine, then take it a step further and ask them questions.
- How do you think it makes the other person feel left out of the group, told they can't sit at the table, or completely ignored?
- Would you want someone to say that about you?
- What if one day, someone told you there was no more space, no more places on the team, or no one wanted to play with you?
The more specific about the situation, the better. I've found it helpful to share a personal story from my childhood or when appropriate, similar situations I've experienced as an adult. Unfortunately, the issues on the playground pale compared to break-room drama, mom wars, and church splits. We must teach our children at a young age to pause before they speak and think about how their actions will affect other people. Keep it simple for children and adults; always bring it back to the Golden Rule.
Growing up is tough. And to think, I spent years trying to be an adult, taking for granted how good it was to be a child. But, to our children, while their problems are meniscal for most, they are real to them. They need help navigating friendships and learning how to deal with people. Nothing is fail-proof, so in addition to teaching our children discernment and remembering others, always point them back to Jesus. He is the only one who will never leave, forsake, or disappoint them. Jesus is always there to offer love, grace, and mercy. Ultimately, they belong to Him.
Photo Courtesy: ©GettyImages/Maskot
Laura Bailey is an author and Bible teacher who encourages women to understand what they believe, why it matters, and how to apply biblical truths to their lives. Her recent book, Embracing Eternity in the Here and Now, explores how the timeless truths of Ecclesiastes help us live more peaceful, purposeful, and plentiful lives today.
She lives in Upstate South Carolina with her husband and three young girls, where she serves as director of women's ministries at her church. Her passion is teaching the Bible to women, equipping them to live with an eternal perspective. Invite Laura to speak at your next event or learn more: www.LauraRBailey.com