Fall is here, and the holidays are fast approaching. Great food and good company can be enjoyed by family and friends. Think meeting a friend for a special holiday coffee, baking with your mother-in-law and your kids, or helping your father-in-law decorate the outside of their house and lawn for Christmas.
The holidays can also mean family drama. Couples fighting over budgets and finances. It can sometimes require being around your or your spouse's family members that you aren't keen on. The uncle who drinks a bit too much, the cousin who has a foul mouth, or the sister-in-law who meddles in everything.
Family dynamics present constant challenges, particularly during the holidays, when everyone is expected to gather together. Couples can get pulled in different directions by family pressures and sometimes by their own spouses. The stress can pile on, causing your marriage to fray in the smallest ways. What can you do? Here are some ways to keep your marriage strong amidst holiday family drama.
1. Pray with Each Other
Prayer is our biggest defense against difficulties in life. Starting now, make it a habit to sit down with your spouse and pray with each other every day. It doesn't have to be long and drawn out. Even five or ten minutes is good.
Ask the Lord for wisdom and guidance in this upcoming season. You can also ask for help with discerning his voice and patience in this upcoming, harried season.
2. Pray for Each Other
There is so much that goes on during the holiday season. Classroom parties, work parties, school events, shopping, baking, church functions, and the list goes on. Things are bound to go wrong or get sticky. By sticky, I mean schedules getting fuller, and we are pulled in a thousand directions.
Make a pact with your spouse that when you are in a situation like this, you will call them or shoot them a quick text to let them know what's going on. From there, your spouse will pray over the situation immediately and then go about their day.
3. Set Up Rules for Communication
Make your communication expectations clear to your family around the holidays. This way, they won't be calling you at work about Aunt Mary's dinner or your niece's school play. Let them know the best times and ways to contact you, and be clear about how long it may take you to respond.
If it's a weekend, you may respond on the same day. You may not respond until that evening or the next day if it's a weekday. Remind them to keep in mind that, like them, you have a work-life to attend to.
4. Ask Your Partner to Be a Sounding Board
Everyone has one or two family members that trigger them in some way. This could be your nosey cousin, meddling mother-in-law, or narcissistic brother. Something probably exacerbated those triggers during the holidays.
When something comes up and you're triggered, ask your spouse to be your sounding board. Let them know you want to talk it all out first and get it out of your system. From there, you can decide if you want their opinion or if you just want to let it rest. Sometimes, we need an opinion or advice; other times, we have to let our frustrations out and let them go.
5. State Firm Boundaries with Your Family
Choose how much time you will spend at your family member's event and stick to it. If you decide to stay three hours and leave, then do so. This way, you are setting boundaries you can live with.
You can also set boundaries by spending time with those dramatic family members and then seeking other people you enjoy spending time with. For example, sit with your mom and dramatic aunt for a while and then seek out your favorite cousin. This way, you can still be social but can also distance yourself on your terms.
6. Seek Professional Help
It may be wise to seek short-term counseling during the holidays to help keep your marriage strong and to discuss things that bother you this time of year with a professional. You can do this as a couple, individually, or both if needed.
Talking to a stranger can be easier than family or friends because they are on the outside looking in. They don't know all the complexities of your family, so they have a more balanced approach. They can also help you view things differently and devise solutions to deal with family drama that is right for you.
7. Talk Over Your Feelings
Sit down with your spouse and discuss your feelings about each other's families. This does not mean bashing each other's relatives. It means discussing who you have a hard time coping with and coming up with a plan about how you are going to deal with these people.
8. Keep Date Nights Alive
Holiday time is so busy, but keeping date nights alive is still crucial. Don't let your relationship get bogged down by all the "have-tos" of the season. Set a specific night and go out to dinner or a movie. Talk about things, laugh, and have a good time. This will be a great way to let go of some of the season's stress.
9. Take Care of Yourselves
How we feel impacts every other part of our lives, so make sure you are getting enough sleep, taking vitamins, and keeping up your exercise routine.
Try to cut down on the extra goodies, soda, and adult beverages and opt for plain or flavored water and healthier options. Also, do things that help relieve stress, like a favorite activity or hobby, praying, or soaking in a warm bubble bath. Spend some time doing these things together and strengthening the bond between you.
10. Study the Bible Together
If you and your spouse do Bible study alone, pairing up and reading God's word together during this busy season would be a great way to keep your marriage strong.
Plan and decide what book or books of the Bible you want to go through, or choose a devotional you both would like to work through together. There are lots of marriage devotionals to choose from to help you get started.
11. Have Each Other's Backs
Chances are, you will run into a dramatic situation with family members. Sometimes, defending each other can escalate the drama. It is important to have each other's backs but state your positions firmly yet tactfully.
12. Stay On the Same Page
Ensure you stay on the same page with your spouse about things going on. If you need to, buy a whiteboard with a calendar and write everything that is going on during the month. Your work party, your spouse's work party, Lucy's school play, Luke's preschool party, dinner at mom's, Aunt Jana's Christmas party, etc.
Then, touch base with your spouse on Monday and Wednesday to make sure both of you are aware of what's coming up. If you have an especially busy week ahead, check in on Sunday night. Another option would be to add events to your phone calendars. Be sure to set reminders for the previous day or even the morning of so neither of you forget what is going on that day. This will help reduce drama between you as a couple and with your family members.
13. Ramp Up the Affection
Physical touch helps reduce stress and releases oxytocin, which helps promote bonding. In our busy day-to-day lives, it's easy for physical affection to get lost in the shuffle.
During this busy season, send your spouse off with a long kiss before work. Greet them at the door (if possible) with a hug and kiss after work. Also, make sure the hug lasts at least thirty seconds for optimum effect. If you're walking together, hold hands. Cuddle on the couch and watch a movie—slow dance in the kitchen. Set your alarm for fifteen minutes earlier and spend that time cuddling in bed before your day starts and you're off to the races. Any time you can touch your spouse or ramp up the affection, do it.
If you're looking for ways to help keep your marriage strong during the upcoming holiday season amidst family drama, these are some great ways to do so. Take a deep breath, pray, and know that you can handle anything with God and each other.
Do you find your marriage being strained due to toxic family dynamics around the holidays? If you are struggling with this right now, share a prayer request on Crosswalk Forums.
Related:
5 Boundaries to Put in Place Before Holiday Gatherings
12 Ways Married Couples Can Cope with Toxic Relatives