I had been writhing in discontentment in my marriage for some time, and I knew some things needed to change. I drafted a list of the things that were making me unhappy and rehashed them to my hubby. He listened intently and nodded in agreement. Then he asked me the life-altering question. "Why don't you act on them?". His statement threw me for a loop and left me speechless. I allowed it to simmer with me for a few days.
In my self-reflection, I realized that I would often flesh out the areas that needed improvement in our marriage and wait for my husband to fix them. For instance, I would raise the alarm whenever I felt we were drifting apart, but that was it. I would sit pretty and wait for him to conjure up ways of bridging the rift. I still can't explain why I assumed he was majorly responsible for the health of our marriage.
James encourages believers to be doers of the word and not just hearers. He points out that if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who observes his natural face in a mirror and, after stepping away, immediately forgets what kind of man he was. He deceives Himself. On the other hand, he who is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work will be blessed in what He does (James 1: 22-25).
As I reflected on this portion of Scripture, I realized that I had been deceiving myself in my marriage. I knew the things that would breathe life into my marriage, but I sat pretty and waited for my hubby to be the first to lift a finger. I was missing out on the blessing my actions would trigger in my marriage. It's one thing to have someone else deceive you. But deceiving yourself is downright absurd, isn't it?
Are you a doer in your marriage, or are you waiting on your spouse to fix your marriage? Here are four thoughts to consider.
1. Do Everything to the Glory of God
"Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." (1 Corinthians 10: 31).
My perspective about marriage flipped on its head when the Holy Spirit reminded me of the above Scripture. God wants us to do everything for His glory, our marriages notwithstanding. Even the seemingly mundane tasks like eating and drinking are to be done for His glory. In marriage, therefore, every thought, action, and word uttered should be geared towards bringing glory to God. If you are like me, I have often done or said things to get back at my spouse or to fill my ego. Often, I have only sought to do good when it has felt convenient or deserved.
We need to shift our focus from our spouses to God. Our spouses have flaws (just as we do) and will often rattle us. We will often feel like they don't deserve forgiveness or any ounce of kindness. Redirecting our focus from them to God is a game changer. It will align our actions to those that glorify God. No wonder Paul urged wives to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord and, in the same breath, urged husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. The end goal in marriage is to glorify God.
Further, Paul encouraged the Philippian church to focus on things that are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). Such are the things that bring glory to God. If we focus on them in our marriages, we will inadvertently be doers, not just hearers.
2. Focus on Serving Your Spouse
Who doesn't enjoy having their spouse at their beck and call? Being served feels great! Kind gestures like getting a massage, finding a hot, scrumptious dinner after a long day, having your spouse tend to the kids, getting your car fueled, etc., make us feel loved and give our self-worth a kick. And while it is alright to expect your spouse to serve you and meet your needs, there's a more excellent way - serving them.
Jesus taught that whoever desired to be great should be a servant and he who desired to be first a slave. He further stated that He did not come to be served but to serve and to give His life a ransom for many (Mark 10:45). Because Jesus embraced service, God has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name (Philippians 2:9).
Don't we all have an insatiable desire to feel fulfilled and content in our marriages? What steps have we taken to achieve this noble goal? Jesus shows us how to achieve fulfillment by pointing us to the route of service. Feeling unfulfilled in your marriage? Cease pestering your spouse, urging them to meet your needs. Instead, take the first step and serve them. As you serve them, they, too, will respond in love.
3. Esteem Your Spouse Above Yourself
"Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests but also for the interests of others." (Philippians 2:3-4)
Esteeming another person above yourself is not the natural thing to do. In life, we all tend to look out for ourselves. God, however, does not want us to revolve around our own interests but instead focus on the interests of others, in this case, our spouses.
Does your wife fancy foot rubs? Go ahead and treat her to it. Does your husband love to see you dressed in a certain way? Indulge him and dress up for him. Paul taught that we are to outdo each other in showing honor (Romans 12:10, ESV). Looking into the interest of your spouse will make you a doer in your marriage and not a forgetful hearer.
4. Guard Against Offense
"Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this, many become defiled." (Hebrews 12:15)
Marriage is undoubtedly the closest human relationship. As such, you and your spouse will often bump heads because conflict is part of any relationship. You, therefore, need to constantly forgive each other if your marriage is to thrive. But let's face it: some offenses in marriage are easier to let go of than others. When the mistake feels very grave, the offended party may struggle to forgive.
Proverbs 18:19 rightly observes that an offended brother is harder to win than a strong city. Sometimes, when your spouse has hurt you deeply, you may find yourself erecting an impenetrable wall and shutting them away. Every ounce of love, concern, commitment, trust, and respect you held for them dissipates like smoke in the wind.
An offended spouse will not care about being a doer in their marriage. They have bigger fish to catch, like shielding their heart from their spouse and mourning the lost trust. Their heart may have already morphed into a block of stone. The scriptures warn us against caving into offense. We are to take care lest any root of bitterness springs up and defiles our marriages. We are not to give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:27).
Prompt communication and resolving conflict amicably will help shield your marriage from offense. If the offended spouse is still not able to forgive, the couple may consider seeing a therapist or a church counselor to help them navigate the challenge at hand. Offense is capable of choking your marriage and snuffing the life out of it. We are, therefore, to guard against it, pursue peace, and be tender-hearted towards our spouses.
Keren Kanyago is a freelance writer and blogger at Parenting Spring. As a wife and mom, she uses her blog to weigh in on pertinent issues around parenting, marriage, and the Christian Faith. She holds a degree in mass communication with a specialty in print media. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram and/or shoot her an email at kerenkanyago@gmail.com.