Here is my challenge for you: do all you can to like your kids.
That may sound silly because we all of course love our kids, but the truth is there are seasons (sometimes long seasons) that actually liking them can be tough. It’s okay if you don’t like each other all the time. After all, as parents, our job is primarily to nurture, guide, and shepherd our kids. We aren’t supposed to be their best friends. But I’ve realized if we can do our best to raise our people in a way that mutual respect is the foundation of our relationship, then liking each other is actually possible.
Liking each other is really helpful, especially as our kids develop into more independent people. Once hormones begin, we all can experience a roller coaster as our kids begin to experience the world in more complex ways. A good way to prevent the roller coaster from creating deep frustration in your relationship is to create spaces where you can just enjoy being together.
Get Interested in Things They Are Interested In
I’ve noticed with my oldest that this means doing some things he likes, even though, if I’m honest, we don’t have much in common. It’s my trying and failing at video games. Listening to long talks about the merits of different gaming consoles. Laughing at the book series they are obsessed with. Watching Star Wars alongside them. Becoming knowledgeable about Lego sets.
All this time, I make myself available to hear about the things that make him excited and help us to stay connected even though our interests are far from aligned. My presence in his world matters. It’s important that I don’t discredit these interactions because while sometimes they can feel cumbersome to me, they matter to my kids.
Invite Your Kids to Learn Alongside You
Another key to building a strong relationship is inviting him into my space and allowing him to grow his own set of independent skills alongside me. My oldest has learned how to bake his own cookies because he likes cookies and I don’t always have time to make them for him. Showing him around what is often mom’s space helps him connect with my world.
Now that my boys are old enough to go to the gym with me, I invite them into my workouts, teaching them how to curl dumbbells and land box jumps. Moving with my boys is a hugely positive experience for us. They have so much energy! They need all the ways to get tired out, and it’s a chance for them to just be with me that feels enjoyable for them and me.
My husband also creates space for them to grow in skill while being with us as he invites them to assist in changing the oil, blowing the leaves, or taking the dog for a walk. It may seem counterintuitive that including kids in “tasks” helps them grow closer to us, but the reality is that we all want to be included. Helping, learning, and working alongside each other is one of the best ways to build a positive bond with our kids.
Set Clear Boundaries
I am really convinced that many parents don’t enjoy their children because they have not set clear boundaries for their family from a young age. It’s really hard to like someone who doesn’t respect boundaries; that’s just always true. Boundary setting begins in infancy and really never ends as boundaries are a key part of any relationship, but they are central to what it means to parent.
I have a two-year-old and a three-year-old right now, and I am reminded daily how exhausting it is to set in place firmly by kindly enforcing boundaries and consequences. At this age, they are relentless and loud, and it's tough! But I’ll share something I’ve learned: if you follow through in these younger years, you’ll set yourself up for so much more success as your kids grow.
Kids are so very smart, and they learn at the age of two (and probably even younger) if you are going to be trustworthy. That means you will follow through with a consequence when you give your child instruction, and they do not follow it. When we follow through when they are wild, loud, and pushing all the buttons at two, they will understand at five that it’s expected that we listen to Mom and Dad as well as other adults. We can’t wait until five when we send our kids to school to introduce our kids to the idea that people mean what they say and deserve respect.
If you are struggling now to build a mutual relationship of respect with your child at an older age, it may take extra time because years of permissiveness have taught your child you are not someone worth listening to. You have to change that narrative through consistency in your message and actions towards your child.
Teach Them How to Live with Empathy
Empathy is so important to successful human relationships. How can we love well without having the ability to truly see the people around us? Empathy does not come naturally to humans. If you are around any child for any length of time, it’s clear that they are very self-centered. Our sinful nature prompts us to look at ourselves first; we have to be taught to see and consider others around us.
I remember on my hardest day as a mom being amazed at the fact that my kids had literally no clue how difficult they were at that moment. Toddlers truly don’t care if they are pushing mom to the edge, which is totally age-appropriate, but as our kids grow, they need us to teach them how to be seers of others.
Now that my oldest is getting to the age where he really understands all that happens in our home today, he is willing to step up and do more as a member of the family. That willingness to help did not happen overnight! It’s been years of prompting him to help his siblings, be kind to his friends, clean up after himself, take care of his toys, complete his schoolwork well, share life with those who have experienced hard things so he can see how blessed he is, and more.
Basically, it’s a long way to see the character we sometimes feel like we are beating into our kids unfold, but if we keep at it, good things will develop in our children. Diligence is the word for us parents. We must be diligent in the work of raising humans who can see others, understand how to respect boundaries and share life with us if we want to be able to enjoy our kids over the course of our shared lives together.
As I enter a new phase of motherhood, where we are inching towards independence more than hand-holding, I feel so blessed because every time I get afraid of them becoming teens and beyond, it might mean my fear is extinguished when I actually think of the people my kids are becoming. They are not perfect, but they are people I like and that I’m proud of. I know we won’t do the next years perfectly, but I am confident we will get through them together. This is a great comfort to my Momma's heart. Be invested now so you can feel confident that the people you love so dearly will be ones you can be so proud of as they grow up.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/monkeybusinessimages
Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God's Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.