Young adults are a fascinating bunch, aren't they? They think independently, they start to drive (and hopefully not drive you crazy), and they are stepping into more time away from you with friends, their interests, and even a job. It's what I call a "bridge" period of life. They are bridging between childhood to teen years and then adulthood. Sometimes, it feels as though the bridge is a little shaky from their steps, but then they (and we) eventually find our footing.
I have never liked the shaky bridge at the zoo. Why do they even have it there? I guess younger kids enjoying the animals also like the thrill of the wooden plank bridges suspended by chains, which are structurally unsound for my tastes. But the builders probably figure us moms will hold the stuff while our kids walk across the bridge in delight.
We can look at life this way sometimes, too. While they are moving across areas designed for them to step, we are standing there, holding their stuff (sometimes holding our own heart stuff as it's hard to watch them grow up), and we are left wondering, "How do I continue to love them without suffocating them"?
I asked my three teens this question because I don't want to be known as the smother-er! What young adult wants a mom to plant a kiss on their forehead before they walk into school or shout from across the parking lot to greet them while they duck down and run as fast as they can to evade the embarrassment?
We know these things can feel suffocating, but what are the appropriate boundaries? What can we do, say, and show without our kids feeling like we are, as the saying goes today: "too extra"?
When I asked one of my young adult children how a parent should act so they aren't suffocating their child, he said, "Not doing the helicopter mom thing, not going to all your kids' events, but giving them some independence. Not leaving your child completely, but not constantly being around."
He said, "Mom, you give us independence and freedom, but you show your love. Sometimes I'm not in a great mood, and sometimes I want to be left alone. For parents, ask your young adult and depend on them to help guide you in how to have a good relationship. I see people say, 'Mom, go away' around their friends or when it comes to taking a photo. 'No, Mom, I don't want to take a photo.' To me, it's more embarrassing if you are resisting your mom in front of others. If your young adult truly doesn't want to take a photo, I would let it go." He also shared that asking if you can give a hug in front of friends instead of assuming is also appreciated.
He also said that actions, such as doing things for them, are important in how young adults perceive their parents. "I realize how important I am in your life and how important you are in my life – finding importance in each other is a good way to feel loved from both sides."
One of my other young adult children said, "When as a mom you have everything they would need, and you carry it around and are trying to intervene, you don't need to do that. We don't need to be escorted to the bathroom or given something because you carry around a purse full of things "just in case." We can do more things – we are more independent and older. It shows too much that you're trying to take care of every need. We don't need a parent to intervene in everything."
She also shared, "Make it apparent that you care and want to help but not be an overprotective mother. Showing that you care and showing your interest in what I'm interested in helps me see that you aren't trying to manage our lives for us and smother us, but it shows me that you're willing to help me."
My teens also shared that how parents provide for their wants and needs shows them love but not deciding what they eat and when. Or what activities to be involved in or what friends to have. My daughter said, "When parents make decisions for their young adults (and especially make decisions but don't tell them), it feels like you don't trust us. It's okay for a parent to ask if your child wants to get your opinion, but let them make their decisions."
When talking with my teens, they made it clear that a good balance is not just trying to take care of them but also taking care of myself. If we aren't as focused on what our children need, it shows that we aren't trying to smother them but are aware of what we need as parents. My teens encourage me not to feel guilty about taking care of myself through exercise or even something they know I love to do, such as going out for coffee or seeing a friend. Their encouragement is that just because they are home doesn't mean I always have to be there to be in on everything they do. It's okay to take a break and let them have some downtime after coming home from school or an activity. In fact, sometimes they need to recharge during that time before I ask them detailed questions about how their day went.
I've seen how the unsteady bridge can show us how to be a little more steady when it comes to loving our young adults:
1) Watch where you step so that you aren't stepping into an area your child doesn't want to talk about (yet).
2) Look to see if you are taking care of yourself while asking or encouraging your kids to take care of themselves.
3) Instead of focusing on their physical steps, where they are going, and what they are doing, check in on their heart status. That's the area that isn't seen but can be where they need you the most.
What does your young adult need from you so that they feel loved but not suffocated? What is an area that you can focus on with them so that you both experience freedom in your relationship?
Related Content: 5 Surprising Ways You May Be Destroying Your Relationship with Your Adult Children
Blythe Daniel is a literary agent, author, and marketer. Her agency markets books through podcasts, blogs, and launch teams and represents books to publishers. Blythe was the publicity director for Thomas Nelson Publishers and has been a literary agent for the past 16 years. Blythe has written for Proverbs 31 Ministries, Ann Voskamp, Focus on the Family, CCM Magazine, Christian Retailing, and others. Blythe and her mother have co-authored two books: Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters (Harvest House) and I Love You Mom: Cherished Word Gifts from My Heart to Yours (Tyndale). She is married and lives in Colorado with her family.