We are living in an age where the views regarding marriage are changing. People are now delaying getting married and often consider other options besides marriage. In a 2022 US Census Bureau Report, the average age for a man getting married for the first time is now 30.1, and for a woman, it is 28.2. That number has jumped significantly since 1947, when the average age for men was 23.7 and 20.5 for women.
This shift in thinking about marriage is not just affecting the world; it has now crept into the church. An often-referenced 2019 Pew Research report highlights these changes in the mindset toward marriage. Many are now either exploring or engaging in marital activities without being married. A typical marriage involves a license and a ceremony of some kind. However, they are bypassing this standard marriage process. As a Christian, is it okay to get married without a license? As I examine this, I will address some legal definitions but ultimately address it from a Biblical perspective.
What Are Some Ways People “Get Married” Without a License?
To do this conversation any real justice, we must consider how people attempt to be “married” without a license. I will refer to legal terms for this section, but please note that I am not an attorney. I am not offering legal advice, recommendations, or endorsements of these arrangements.
Domestic Partnership or Civil Unions
A domestic partnership is a legal agreement under a state's laws between a couple living together in a relationship. The relationship is based on love for each other, and there is often the sharing of assets, which is usually required to prove the validity of the relationship. Legally, this is not marriage, but it can provide some legal and economic protections. Attorney Madelyn Jaye states, "It provides committed, unmarried couples living together certain, but limited, guaranteed rights." Since this is a legal arrangement, you must file it with your state. Also, please recognize that different states have different laws concerning domestic partnerships, so if you move to another state, they may not recognize your union.
Common Law Marriage
According to the National Conference of State Legislatures, a common law marriage is “a legally recognized marriage between two people who have not purchased a marriage license or had their marriage solemnized by a ceremony.” There is no official ceremony required to have a common-law marriage. It is important to note that individual states define the laws for common-law marriages. Currently, only eight states recognize common-law marriage in their state. Colorado, Iowa, Kansas, Montana, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Texas, and Utah are those states. In most states, for this to apply, couples must intend to be married, be of a legal age to get married, live together, and present themselves as a married couple. However, other states may not acknowledge a common-law marriage like domestic partnerships.
Cohabitation Agreements
According to lawdepot.com, “A Cohabitation Agreement is a legally binding contract that outlines the financial and property rights of an unmarried couple living together in a shared residence. It also details each partner's rights in case of a break-up.” Again, this is not a marital relationship but a legally binding document, so those who sign this type of contract must fulfill it.
Is it Okay to Get Married Without a License?
Now that we have considered these legal definitions, let’s consider a Biblical approach to this question. From now on, everything I mention presents the idea of marriage as God has outlined it in the Bible.
Marriage is a legally binding arrangement that two people enter. These two individuals validate this arrangement before the state and, most importantly, before the Lord. When God designed marriage, it was between one man and one woman.
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)
It is not an official marriage without the legal standing and God’s recognition of the marriage. While there may be some legally binding aspects to your arrangement, it is not marriage from a Biblical perspective. Even when you consider the definitions of these other forms of “marriage,” they all fall short of God’s definition. If you want to be in a marriage that God approves, then it requires, among other things, that you get a marriage license and have some official ceremony. While some states may give you the legal right to have these other forms of “marriage,” they don’t align with what God intended.
How to Talk with Christians Living Together But Not Married
So there is no confusion, I believe a couple should not live together before marriage. They should also not engage in any other form of “marriage” but should follow the legal and Biblical process. Get a license and get married. But how do you address this if you are dealing with Christians who may be cohabitating and are not married? To answer this question, I will assume we are dealing with a couple committed to each other, but they have chosen not to get married or have pursued another definition of marriage.
1. Encourage pre-marital counseling before encouraging marriage. The easiest thing to tell this couple is that you are living in sin, and you need to get this right by getting married right away. While that may be easy to say, that may not be the best course of action for this couple. It’s like telling a couple who are facing a pregnancy outside of marriage the best thing to do is marry each other. Let’s be wiser than that and recommend that this couple undergo pre-marital counseling. Clearly, there is a reason they have chosen not to get married, so rushing them into marriage may not be a good idea.
2. Encourage living apart until they get married but recognize the realities associated with that. If a couple is living together, you might recommend that one of them move out until they are married. That recommendation may come with some challenges. Some real financial realities may hinder them from living in two separate places. This can also become an issue if there are children involved. Evaluate the entire situation and provide as much support as possible. The more people affected by this decision, the more wisdom you will need to exercise.
3. Lead with grace and not with condemnation. In Jesus’ ministry, he dealt with a cohabitation situation. The Samaritan woman he met at the well lived with a man who was not her husband. Pay attention to how Jesus engaged with this woman.
Jesus acknowledged her situation, but he addressed her spiritual condition first. He could have condemned her, but he didn’t. Instead, he continued to minister to her, and as a result, many people came to believe in Jesus. With this woman, there is a part to this story no one ever talks about. What happened to her relationship with the man who was not her husband? Did they get married? Did they break up? We don’t know because the Bible does not speak to it.
In the same way, if someone is living in these situations, let’s not reach for the stones first. In correcting people, the goal should always be to restore, strengthen, and help them mature in their walk with Jesus. We should never first seek to condemn and cast away. Sometimes condemnation is the easy road that requires no compassion. However, true discipleship may require you to walk with people through their life situations so they come out better on the other side.
Overall, I don’t believe it is okay to get “married” without a license because, in God’s eyes, you are not married. Regardless of the state’s rules, as a follower of Christ, God’s word should be the standard by which you judge the efficacy of your marriage relationship. If you are in this type of relationship, I recommend you work to change it and make it right before the Lord. Finally, to pastors and leaders, if your congregant comes to you with this scenario, remember how Jesus handled the Samaritan woman and use that as the model to help them navigate their situation.
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Clarence L. Haynes Jr. is a speaker, Bible teacher, and co-founder of The Bible Study Club. He is the author of The Pursuit of Purpose which will help you understand how God leads you into his will. His most recent book is The Pursuit of Victory: How To Conquer Your Greatest Challenges and Win In Your Christian Life. This book will teach you how to put the pieces together so you can live a victorious Christian life and finally become the man or woman of God that you truly desire to be. Clarence is also committed to helping 10,000 people learn how to study the Bible and has just released his first Bible study course called Bible Study Basics. To learn more about his ministry please visit clarencehaynes.com.
This article is part of our larger resource library of Christian questions important to the Christian faith. From core beliefs to what the Bible says about angels, we want to provide easy to read and understand articles that answer your questions about Christian living.
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