Grief is a complex and rather complicated journey we will all, unfortunately, walk through at some point in this life.
The truth is that nothing on this side of heaven is certain except for one thing — one day, we will draw our last breath. While God’s purpose for us comes with a plan, it is marked by a number of days (Psalm 39:4-7).
Yet our loving God gives us precious promises to cling to in Hebrews 13:14, painting a glorious image of our forever home.
While this life is temporary and filled with joy and sorrow, happiness and suffering, and a mixture of highs and lows, God tells us in His Word that heaven is not bound by time and is filled with a type of hope and love that we cannot even begin to phantom or cease to understand (1 Corinthians 2:9).
God is telling us that one day we will experience the fullness of true belonging when we are joined with Him and our loved ones in eternity.
Ponder that for a moment. This world may be stricken by sin and death, but God’s great love and mercy offer us hope for life beyond this one (Colossians 1:5).
God also promises to be near and draw close when we are left holding a broken heart and when life doesn’t make sense (Psalm 38:14; Matthew 5:4). He tells us that He is our source of strength and that He will provide a type of peace that is unsurmountable and indescribable.
Yet, when grief takes us by surprise, or it lands upon a dear and close friend, it can be hard to hold on to these promises, much less remember them altogether.
Many feelings and thoughts may emerge in these times, causing us to become ill-equipped on how to approach this tender time with compassion and great care.
Questions are looming, and hearts are heavy, and such deep sadness is intimidating. Grief can be scary.
Drawing close to a grieving friend and extending our sincerest condolences can be painstakingly uncomfortable, leaving us speechless or unsure how to respond, especially to such a deep and profound loss. However, as difficult as it is to watch a beloved friend endure so much pain, they need you.
Below are five ways you can love, support, and serve your precious friend while gently reminding them that God is with them and drawing close.
1. Lift Them Up in Prayer
The greatest thing you can ever do for your grieving friend is to place your hands together and pray for them. God already knows the depths of their pain and the sorrow that fills their hearts.
Invite God into your friendship and ask how you can be the kind of friend they need, all the while knowing that grief holds unique highs and lows and must be met with gentleness, grace, and compassion.
Don’t have the words to pray? Try this simple prayer.
Lord, I lift up my friend, (name), to You today. Please draw close and bring him/her peace and comfort. Wrap Your loving arms around them as You radiant Your abundant mercy and grace. Please grant me the strength to be the friend they need to carry such a burden and offer support that will truly be a blessing. Amen.
2. Be Sincere
Yes, words matter in these times. That said, we must choose them wisely. While it can feel as if you are walking on eggshells, sincerity is key here. Keep in mind that everyone wades through grief a little bit differently and experiences loss in a very personal way.
Try not to compare their grief journey to someone else (or our own loss) and realize that there is no need to “fix” their hurt or strive to make it better; you simply can’t.
Rather speak from your heart. Saying, “I love you and am here,” “It’s okay not to be okay,” or “I will be here Wednesday with dinner. Will that work for you?” This speaks more to them than using simple and generic cliches or platitudes.
Grief does not follow a plan or timeline. It is all a mystery, really. It is not linear, nor does it go in stages. Grief can be ugly and messy, but as God moves, it can bring transformation with restoration, hope, and healing.&
So, try to be sincere and approach your friend with respect. That way they feel they have a safe place to share their hurt and pain without judgments or comparisons.
3. Check on Them
The simple act of reaching out can mean more than you know. Your friend’s world is currently spinning upside down, but they see how everyone else is moving on, furthermore, keeping them at bay. The silence is deafening, and it can really hurt.
During those first few weeks after a loss everyone is bringing meals or dropping by with flowers and cards, then it just immediately stops. No friends, no calls. Everything is back to normal, for everyone else, yet they are essentially stuck, unable, or unwilling to move forward.
Strive to be intentional about checking on your friend, especially after the first few weeks and months.
Even years later, be mindful of special occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays, and send a thoughtful Bible verse, a letter in the mail, or bring them coffee. Your kind efforts will be such a blessing.
4. Be Present and Just Listen
The awkward silence can be uncomfortable. I get it. I am one who likes to usually break the silence, but when a friend is grieving, silence is often a time for reflection and is truly needed.
After my dear friend lost her husband about three years ago, I remember going over to her house and just sitting with her on the couch in silence. Nothing but tears flowed.
Yet, all she wanted, and needed was company. Sometimes she would reach out for my hand, then other times she would start to speak, then get lost in a memory.
Our presence and silence can mean so much. Yet, if you do feel prompted to say something, do ask about their spouse. Ask them to share a favorite memory or tell you more about what they loved about them.
Do not shy away from mentioning their spouse’s name, either. In many cases, they want to share stories as it keeps their dear loved one’s memory alive.
5. Lend a Helping Hand
One of the most practical ways to love a grieving friend is to offer a helping hand. That could be cleaning their house, doing laundry, running errands, mowing their lawn, or caring for young children.
Grieving takes so much effort and expends so much energy that often, the everyday tasks don’t get done or can easily get overlooked. Your friend will not always ask for help or may not even realize they need it, so be gentle in your approach.
In the beginning when they are making arrangements for their loved one, a meal train or care calendar set up by family, friends, and church organizations can really be helpful and necessary.
However, beyond that, they may need help with things their spouse once did, such as hanging lights or paying bills, so try to take notice and extend a helping hand as needed.
Dos and Don’ts
Many times, we isolate ourselves from a grieving friend because we just don’t necessarily know what to do or say, and we surely don’t want to cause more pain.
While this is understandable, the lack of your presence will be noticed. And, honestly, your absence can hurt even more than a faulty word or misguided action.
You must realize that your friend has already lost so much. They have lost their life partner, their companion, their best friend, and their significant other half.
There is also a loss of marriage roles, intimacy, financial stability, and shattered dreams. When people they depend on to show up in these times are nowhere to be seen, it can feel like another loss.
All in all, they need your love and support now more than ever. So, before you do anything, take your heart to God first and seek wisdom and discernment on what you can do or say to best comfort your dear friend.
Besides the points mentioned above, here is a list (while not comprehensive) of dos and don’ts, guiding you on how to really love and support your grieving friend.
Do:
- Share memories and stories about their spouse.
- Share Bible verses and God’s promises.
- Let them know you are there for them and willing to listen anytime they need a friend.
- Offer a hug or friendly gesture.
- Say that you are sincerely sorry for their loss and acknowledge their pain.
Don’t:
- Say vague or meaningless cliches such as, “They are in a good place now” or “Everything happens for a reason.”
- Stay away from using the words “At least…” Upon hearing those two words, no matter what follows will send daggers to their already fragile heart.
- Avoid eye contact simply because they look sad or are crying.
- Tell them what you’ve been meaning to do something, such as, “I meant to send you that card or bring you a meal,” as that only comes across as insincere.
A Prayer for You and Your Freind
Father, I lift up the precious brother or sister who is reading this today. I pray that You be with them as they minister and love their friend who is walking through the deep waters of grieving a spouse.
Hold them both in Your loving hands as You care for them. Draw close and provide insurmountable peace and calming comfort. We pray You mend broken hearts and make Your presence known. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/shironosov
Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy. Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.