When we think of a visual for the term “bully,” our minds will often picture Biff from Back to the Future or Farkus from A Christmas Story, but for many of us, the most pernicious bully is not found in the schoolyard, but staring back at you in the mirror. More than likely, that person somehow had the innate ability to find that one specific string to pluck that could instantly demoralize you, making you feel as if you were worthless and meaningless. This bully may not exist and perhaps has been a companion for quite some time, but the bully can change. Together with God, we can work to forgive and help that bully in the mirror become a friend. Forgiving the bully in the mirror and helping those around you do the same is possible.
Who Is the Bully in the Mirror, Really?
The bully in the mirror is not the real you, even if they look like you. This “bully” is rather the Frankenstein combination of every harsh word said to or about you, things you have heard said about others in a judging demeanor, and Satan speaking as well. We must also realize that we have an Enemy who is the father of lies, and he loves to mimic your voice, pose as you, and speak lies. This is why we must take every thought captive, as Paul encourages in 2 Corinthians 10:5: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” This is also a place where those unkind words said to or about you need to be addressed as well. The idea did not originate with you; it came from someone else. Choose to forgive that person for the action against you and submit it to God for truth. The words that slash us do not need to become ones we use to define us; there can be healing and rehabilitation!
How to Rehabilitate the Bully
In order to understand the bully, we need to call out the bully’s biggest issue: fear. Recognizing that the bully within you could be a large shadow with the inner root of fear—fear of all that you lack, all that you fail at, and all that you fear in rebuke from others—shifts your view of the bully. Whether the bully originates within you or is the voice of the Enemy, when such negativity emerges, you must not allow it to hold a position of value in your life. You hold the power to either let that bully remain a loud, obnoxious voice or shut it down. This doesn’t mean you will suddenly interact in the world perfectly, and it does not mean others won’t continue to act as they always have, but it does mean that you no longer reject yourself for what you do or what you might potentially do. It means you extend the same kindness, grace, and encouragement within that you offer to others. The bully in the mirror does not have to remain there, and aren’t some of our favorite stories the ones in which the villains turn from their ways to live in peace and harmony with others? Let’s see that story written and lived out in your life through loving the “you” part of that bully until she becomes a friend.
Remember Who You Are
It is vital that we remember who we truly are. We often feel social pressure to cultivate a false veneer of ourselves that we present to others in hopes that they will like us, choose us, and want to be around us. We work so hard to keep everyone else happy with this alternative character we play that we often lose our true selves in the process. We must choose to stay true to who we are, which is found through Christ. As C. S. Lewis offers, “The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become - because He made us. He invented us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be... It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.”
Remember that when you choose to follow Christ as your Savior, you then become a child of God. Define yourself by what He says of you, not what you think everyone else desires you to be.
What Does God Say of You?
When we take a good, hard look at what God says of us in His Word, we find truth. God does not call you words such as “stupid” or “ugly,” so when you hear such a thought in your head, identify it as a lie, capture it, and submit it to Christ. It’s not a one-and-done; you need to be diligent. But the more you train yourself to speak in kindness and offer grace to yourself, the more you will be able to do the same with those around you. Whenever an intrusive thought enters your head, or you hear the bully making contemptuous sneers, take a moment and pause. Grasp that thought and test it against what God says of you in His Word. Ask His Holy Spirit to tell you what is true. Ask Him what the motives are behind the word spoken, and then speak truth and grace over yourself.
Moving Forward
Moving forward in forgiveness to the bully requires a daily choice. You can choose to enable the bully to continue to grow and harm you, or you can work to abide by the truth. We offer so much grace and love to those around us, but how rarely do we offer that same level of grace and love to ourselves? Ask the Lord to help you in this process. Know that He wants what is best for you, and He wants to help you have a healthy self-concept. Remember that, as a child of God, you are a vessel of His Spirit; He lives in you. Are you really going to speak about God’s house in ways that are full of hate, slander, and pessimism? Would you walk into a Church and call it “fat, useless, or ugly”? Are you not also a house of God? Moving forward requires retraining the mind, but you do not go at it alone.
You are more than the bully in the mirror, and you are more than what has been said of you in the past. There is within you a unique, God-given spark of light that only you offer to this world. Partner with Him to heal the parts of you that do not reflect that belief and then strive to encourage others to live authentically, lovingly, and in kindness to themselves. Don’t settle for what the bully says; take the Creator’s words about you instead.
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Cally Logan is an author and US History teacher from Richmond, Virginia. Her works have been featured on "The 700 Club Interactive," “Jesus Calling Blog,” and “Coffee and Bible Time,” among several notable outlets. She served as a mentor for young women for several years and enjoys challenging women to develop deeper relationships with God and to live fearlessly and authentically. She received her B.A. Degree from Regent University. In her spare time, she enjoys spending time in nature, having genuine chats over coffee, and woodworking. Her new book, The Wallflower That Bloomed, is available everywhere now. Connect with Cally: @CallyLogan Instagram CallyLogan.com