How to Handle Conflict at Church
By Rev. Kyle Norman
“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.” - Matthew 18:15
In one of my first parishes, I had a parishioner who joined the church after a dramatic conversion experience. It was the kind of conversion that priests hope to witness – a complete reversal of life, a turn around, and eruption of love and joy. As they journeyed through this new-found faith, they were on fire for God, and they were passionate about living as faithfully as they could. They attended every service, the joined councils, they participated in ministry. But then things changed. After about 6 months this person came to me and said, “I feel like the church is destroying my faith.”
Have you ever noticed that life in the church isn’t always what we think it will be. Despite our lofty ideals, our dreams, and our best intentions for the church, the community of faith can be messy, and we can experience disagreements and conflict.
What do we do if we find ourselves in conflict or disagreement? How do we go forward?
Jesus talks about the necessity of pointing out each other’s faults, which can sound like Jesus is giving allowance for us air our grievances to each other. If a brother or sister sins against you, then you should feel free to rebuke them? Tell them they are wrong! O happy day! Who amongst us hasn’t wanted to give someone a piece of our mind?
Sadly, this is how this verse is often used. But if that is what Jesus means, then notice that it goes from bad to worse. If you know the rest of the passage, you know the next two phases. If the person doesn’t listen or seem to respond the way you want them to, well then…. get back up! Bring two or more people to really solidify your points and establish that you are right, and they are wrong. Then, if they still don’t listen, tell the church! Inform the community! Send an email, tell the local gossip, and make sure everyone knows exactly who is right and who is wrong.
Do we really think that Jesus means this? Isn’t this a subtle degrading of the law of love? Is this really the community that Jesus is setting up? It seems ripe for manipulation and betrays the call to love one another. Well, if Jesus is not actually telling us to boldly confront everyone who has wronged us – what exactly is Jesus getting at?
It’s very important that we see what Jesus is doing here, because Jesus does what he always does, in that he turns the discussion on its head. The issue at hand is not the annoyances and disagreements we find ourselves in. No, what Jesus is addressing is how we respond to one who lives in an impaired relationship with the entire community. This isn’t about “you at the final piece of pie that I wanted”. This is about the life and health of the faith community. At its heart, Jesus asks the disciples to be so ruthlessly devoted to each other that they will be concerned when someone isn’t experiencing the fullness of Christ’s grace and love.
Now yes, addressing this situation begins with a private discussion, but this discussion is to be an invitation to renewed life and fellowship – not a pouring over of the litany of wrongs. Ask yourself this question: if there was a behavior, an attitude, or an action that was blocking your full experience of the grace and mercy of God, would you want someone to point that out? I know I would. because it means that someone loves me enough to care about my connection with Jesus. That’s what it means to be a community.
The world around us tells us that if someone harms us, we should harm them. Tit for tat they say. But Jesus’ instructions are about how to maintain a relationship rooted in his loving presence. The spiritual plan that Jesus has for us is to be a community of faith – and as a community, we dare to believe that Jesus unites us to the very person we conflict with. Remember, Jesus says, “If another member of the Church sins against us." This is about us being church together. An authentic community of faith isn’t one that avoids disagreements, but addresses things in the love of Jesus, for the sake of each other’s faith.
Intersecting Faith & Life:
I really hope that no one reading this feels like their church is destroying their faith. But communities are messy. We all need to put our energy into working with each other in a radical expression of love and walking toward each other with ceaseless forgiveness. The more that we do that for the people in our church, and the more they do that for us, the entire church becomes edified and blessed.
Further Reading:
Matthew 18:15-20
Psalm 133
Choosing a Life of Unity
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Harbucks
The Reverend Dr. Kyle Norman is the Rector of St. Paul’s Cathedral, located in Kamloops BC, Canada. He holds a doctorate in Spiritual formation and is a sought-after writer, speaker, and retreat leader. His writing can be found at Christianity.com, crosswalk.com, ibelieve.com, Renovare Canada, and many others. He also maintains his own blog revkylenorman.ca. He has 20 years of pastoral experience, and his ministry focuses on helping people overcome times of spiritual discouragement.
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