Being married is a wonderful thing. You have someone there to go through the difficulties with you, to bounce ideas off of, and to support you. However, sometimes you don’t always agree. Even in the best marriages, arguments will happen. That’s life. Still, it’s not about whether you argue or not; it’s about how you handle that argument. Do you choose to love your spouse during it, or do you blow up at them? Here are some ways to love your spouse during an argument.
Things That Don’t Work
Let’s start with what doesn’t work. We are human, and it’s easy for our emotions to get out of control, so we say and do things we don’t mean in the heat of an argument. If we’re honest, all of us have done one thing on the list below. It doesn’t make you a bad person.
Yelling
No one likes to be yelled at and when you do this, not only do you hurt your partner, it causes them to tune you out.
Name-Calling
Not only is this a toxic thing to do during an argument, but it’s also childish.
Not Listening
When you don’t listen to what your partner is saying and choose to get defensive, this doesn’t help anyone.
Proving You’re Right All The Time
When you have to prove you’re right all the time, it only fans the flames of the issue and makes your partner want to shut down and not listen to you, period.
The Silent Treatment
There is nothing like trying to make a point or explain yourself, and the only thing you get is the silent treatment from your partner. Not talking only makes things worse.
Airing Your Grievances to Others
This is a guarantee to keep that argument going and probably start an additional one. No one should be talking about issues with their partner to friends and family.
Talking about Each Other Behind the Other's Back
Backbiting and talking about your partner behind their back about an issue you are having is disrespectful and hurtful.
Blame
Blaming your partner for what is wrong, whether or not it’s true, is not a good way to argue.
Nitpicking
If something is wrong, and it’s your partner’s fault, don’t nitpick about what they did wrong.
Not Taking Responsibility
Each party needs to take responsibility for their part in the problem.
Loving Your Spouse During an Argument
1. Have Open Communication
Open communication and patience during an argument are key. Arguments are not bad, but it is important to focus on the constructive aspects and ensure that each party is heard. Some ways to do this are:
-Try to keep a calm and courteous demeanor.
-Try to maintain a safe and caring environment compared to hostility.
-Don’t be harsh. Instead of saying, “You never put your clothes in the hamper, and I have to pick everything up.” Use an “I” statement like, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to pick up after you before I can put clothes in the laundry.”
-Don’t criticize; focus on the positive. Like, “We’ve overcome lots of obstacles; we can learn how to overcome this as well.”
How to help each other communicate openly:
-Allow each other to express your feelings and emotions honestly.
-If you feel you need it, try couples therapy.
-Let your spouse know you appreciate them, even when an argument gets intense.
Get to the point. When arguing with your spouse, get to the point and don’t dwell on talking about the uncomfortable things. You can do this by:
-Not dwelling on the past. Focus on the issue at hand and don’t bring up past events. Also, work on your listening skills by opening your ears and keeping your mouth shut.
-Don’t worry about the small stuff. If you feel you are arguing over something small, there is usually a bigger issue at hand. Quickly identify the prominent issue, so you’re not squabbling over the small things.
How to help each other get to the point:
-Show your spouse that you understand them and ask them to focus on the underlying issue.
-If they are unhappy about something small, figure out the root cause and how to handle the conflict in the relationship efficiently.
-Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and acknowledge how they may feel during the discussion.
2. Learn How to Listen
Arguments happen when one spouse doesn’t feel heard or seen. It’s important that you learn how to listen to your spouse and do so effectively. This will take some time and patience to learn and won’t happen overnight, but it is necessary to have a fulfilling relationship. You can improve your listening skills by:
Remaining present. It’s easy to want to walk out of the room and do anything else when an argument is going on, but you need to remember you’re in this together. Keep an open mind and focus on the information they are giving you.
Never assume. It’s all too easy for us to jump to conclusions about things, whether it’s a marital issue, work issue, or something else. Let your spouse express themself no matter how long it takes, and do so lovingly. Instead of interrupting or jumping to conclusions, ask them questions when they are done.
How to help each other listen better:
-Remember, different people need different amounts of attention to be happy in a relationship.
-Share reassurance before you do less enjoyable activities. Letting your spouse know you are on the same page will help them concentrate and really listen to you.
-If you still feel ignored or not on the same page, once again, discuss counseling.
3. Find Middle Ground
Instead of arguing over a solution, focus on an agreement and a resolution that works for both parties. Don’t avoid the argument, but try to resolve things quickly. You will not agree on everything, so find a middle ground as quickly as possible and move on with your lives. Some things to remember:
Don’t control your partner, which means stop trying to control things and show affection even when it’s difficult.
Find balance, resolve the issue, and move on. Don’t linger on it for an extended period.
How to help each other find middle ground:
-Try talking to a therapist or taking an online class together to help find solutions faster in the future.
-Don’t bring up separation or divorce, which can be overwhelming.
-Remind each other that the goal during an argument is to build and improve intimacy, even though you don’t agree.
4. Make Repair Attempts
Some conflicts may take several conversations in order to resolve. When this happens, you need to finish the conversation calmly and try to mend your connection in the meantime until you can talk again. You can do this by:
Taking a break. Communication is a two-way street; if one person isn’t up to it, it’s better to let it do something else to distract you and clear your mind.
Use reassurance. Let your partner know things are going to be okay and use some humor to lighten the mood.
How to help each other make repair attempts:
-Help your partner calm down and assess the issue.
-Use physical touch to build intimacy.
-Remember that you are on the same team and aiming for the same outcome, which will help your spouse be more receptive to your thoughts and feelings. This will help improve communication.
5. Adjust Your Mindset
Instead of being fearful of a disagreement with your spouse, be open to how they feel and what they have to say. You need to be comfortable talking about the uncomfortable because communication is the foundation of a strong relationship.
6. Don’t Strive to Win
Instead of trying to win an argument, listen to each other’s complaints and resolutions to the problem. Focus, find a solution, and move on with your lives.
7. Ask Questions
Always ask questions during an argument. Be respectful and think about what you ask and how you ask first. What you learn will surprise you and help you avoid jumping to conclusions. Doing this will also help you when you have arguments in the future.
8. Take a Time Out
When things get too heated, take a time out. Go your separate ways and cool off for a while. Do something or go somewhere you love, and take some time for yourself. Work on a hobby, read a book, or go out for a specialty coffee. After your emotions have cooled off, take some time to reflect on what you said and how your spouse acted. Don’t think about who is right or wrong. Think about your spouse’s perspective so you can see things from their side without being worked up.
Contrary to movies and books, where marriages are perfect and arguments rarely happen, that is not a real life picture of marriage. Arguments are going to happen, but if you use the tactics above, you can fight lovingly and fairly with your spouse until you come to a mutual resolution.