After a rough spot in marriage, it is common to feel as though you may have married the wrong person. Once you see the way they handle conflicts or how they get irritable after a long day, it is easy to think you vowed yourself to a person you don't even know.
“Have I married the wrong person?”
Although this is a hard question to come to terms with, most married people have asked this question to themselves after they have been married. Varying from the first few months of marriage to a few years in, I have had many friends wonder if they made the wrong decision when they chose their spouse.
Now, if you are married to someone and they are abusing you in any way, you do need to leave. In this case, you can be assured you did marry the wrong person. This is not the person God wants for you. He wants you to marry someone who loves you as He loves the Church (Ephesians 5:21-32). If your spouse is abusing you, whether emotionally, physically, or sexually, it is time to leave and file divorce papers.
However, if you are just going through a rough patch in your marriage, it does not mean you have married the wrong person. All of us are fallen and we all fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). This means that we all do bad things, and this includes our spouse. It can be hurtful when our spouse forgets something important to us or when they get frustrated after a long day at work, but these things alone do not mean that we married the wrong person.
Did I Ruin God’s Will for My Life?
As mentioned, just because your spouse messes up sometimes and has emotional problems that they need to deal with doesn't mean you have married the wrong person. Most of the time when someone is worried about marrying the wrong person, it is because they think they have ruined God's will for their life. Know that this is not true and you are exactly where God wants you to be. Your spouse still loves you despite their forgetfulness, emotional struggles, or distress after a long work day.
Many of us think that our spouses are perfect. As women, we especially have a habit of building our husbands up in a way that makes them untouchable. Unfortunately, our husbands are not perfect. They are fallen sinners just like us. Since they are sinners and we are sinners, it is not surprising that we run into problems. Thankfully, we are not left alone in our struggles and troubles.
We can turn to God when we are having trouble in our marriage and lean on Him for support. Start praying for each other and consider doing Christian marriage counseling if you think it will be beneficial. If you and your spouse are having a hard time communicating and working through issues, Christian marriage counseling could be the perfect thing for your marriage. You don't have to wait for something detrimental to happen, like infidelity, to start Christian marriage counseling—you can start now and begin working through present issues that pertain to your marriage.
Your spouse is your spouse—he is not a knight in shining armor. He has faults and flaws just as we all do. Remember this when you are thinking you have married the wrong person. Sometimes it can be helpful if we self-reflect too. Rather than passing the blame on our spouse, we need to look at our own faults and flaws.
Once we can do this, we will start to show more grace. Maybe your spouse has a bad habit of not communicating their needs properly. Instead of getting upset with them, talk matters out with them and help them learn how to communicate their needs better with you. Once again, this is also a great opportunity to get started with Christian marriage counseling. Christian marriage counseling can do wonders for your marriage and help you know that you have, indeed, married the right person. There just might be a few communication issues getting in the way.
How Can I Be Sure I Married the Right Person?
In addition to seeking out Christian marriage counseling, you can also turn to God with your concerns. He always needs to be the first One we turn to. God has a way of showing you all the wonderful reasons you married your spouse when you are doubtful. Maybe it is his smile, the way he makes you laugh, or the way he makes you feel safe. Reflect on the reasons you married your spouse and all the ways they have been there for you and supported you.
When you married your spouse, you were certain he or she was the one. Wives, if you are doubtful of your husband now, think about all the things you love about him. Husbands, if you are doubtful of your wife, reflect on all the things you love about her. Doing this practice daily can help you show more grace to your spouse and ensure you clear up any doubts in your mind.
Despite the false reality being presented on social media, nobody’s marriage is perfect. Everyone has their own struggles and troubles when it comes to marriage. This is because we live in a fallen world and, sadly, even our spouses can hurt our feelings or behave immaturely. Rather than allowing these wounds to stay open and fester, talk matters over with your spouse. In other words, if they have hurt your feelings, find a respectful way to tell them your concerns upfront.
It is much better to talk about problems rather than suppressing them. Be open with your spouse and this will help cultivate a better marriage rooted in honesty. God wants you to communicate with your spouse and continue to cultivate your marriage. Your marriage is built upon God, which can help give you strength when the days are hard.
Is it Even Possible to Marry the Wrong Person?
While it is possible to marry the wrong person, it is not likely unless your spouse is abusing you or being unfaithful to you. If any of these willfully deceitful and manipulative things are happening, it's best to reassess the situation. However, if your spouse is just showing a few errors in their life or a few areas of struggle, it just means we live in a fallen world and our spouse isn't perfect.
It is hard to come to this realization, but the sooner we realize our spouse is flawed, the sooner it will help our marriages become stronger. You and your spouse can improve your marriage by pushing each other to follow Jesus more in your everyday life. Through encouraging and building each other up, your marriage will grow as you will both depend more on God.
Marriage takes hard work, energy, and effort. Sadly, marriage is not happily ever after because that would mean it was simple. In order to have a beautiful marriage, both spouses have to be willing to put in the work. This means that you and your spouse will consistently search out ways to better follow Jesus and extend His love in your marriage. There will be days when you will be angry or frustrated with your spouse, but you have to choose compassion and grace.
Lean on support from the Lord and go to Him in prayer. Allow Him to help you and give you guidance for the future. You did not marry the wrong person just because you are having difficulties now. In a few years, you will look back and see how you and your spouse have grown in your marriage. While marriage will still be difficult at times, you will be better equipped to work through the problems with the help of God.
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Vivian Bricker obtained a Bachelor of Arts in Ministry, followed by a Master of Arts with an emphasis in theology. She loves all things theology, mission work, and helping others learn about Jesus. Find more of her content at Cultivate: https://cultivatechristianity.wordpress.com/.