Early in my marriage, I arrived at holiday gatherings feeling anxious and insecure. I believed my husband’s side of the family disliked me, for numerous reasons, and therefore entered every family celebration anticipating rejection. This caused me to withdraw, become defensive, and easily offended. Not only did this increase the stress in our relationships, but it also caused conflict in my marriage.
Perhaps you can relate and are already dreading the discomfort, if not outright toxicity, you fear you’ll encounter this Thanksgiving and Christmas. You might even feel trapped in the unhealthy dynamics that have developed. While we can’t change anyone else’s behavior or force them to like us, we can insulate our hearts with the love, truth and grace of Christ.
Scripture provides numerous principles that, when applied, help us remain calm, confident, and Spirit-led, even with challenging in-laws.
Gain Unity with Your Spouse
Often, problems with one’s in-laws come when a husband or wife’s parents try to exert too much influence over the marriage. When a spouse allows, or even encourages this, they are, in essence, prioritizing their family of origin over the marriage. Such behavior also contradicts Scripture, which encourages husbands and wives to “leave and cleave” (in the King James translation).
This phrase comes from Genesis 2:18-24, which states:
“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.’ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh (NIV, emphasis mine).
Expanding on this, Arvind Balarm, a pastor in Delhi, wrote, “The Hebrew word for ‘leave’ in this verse literally means to forsake. It does not mean abandoning our parents. Rather it means the son cannot have the same relationship with his parents; he has a new priority in his life.”
In other words, the husband and wife must elevate their relationship above all others. This necessarily affects how they interact with and what they allow from their parents.
Unity, or living “as one flesh”, also implies protecting one another. This is an attribute of love listed in 1 Corinthians 13:7. Ephesians 5:21-31 provides further guidelines:
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’”
This doesn’t mean we should treat our parents or siblings poorly. Healthy marriages, however, are those in which spouses honor and cherish one another “above all others” and demonstrate this with their actions. A community group leader I know often says, “It is the husband’s role to deal with his family and the wife’s role to deal with hers.”
Problems arise when couples abandon their spouse to deal with in-law conflict on their own. Not only does this increase the tension between them and their in-laws, it also conveys division within the marriage that invites further disrespect. When husbands and wives lovingly, and clearly, support one another, this increases marital trust for one another and lets others know that ill-treatment won’t be tolerated.
Recognize What Is and Isn’t Ours to Own
We bring our insecurities, dysfunction, past hurts, and areas of deception into every encounter, as does everyone with whom we engage. This can lead to misunderstandings and increased hurt. In Matthew 7, Jesus provides steps we can take to guard against this. After encouraging grace by warning us that we would be judged by the same measure with which we judge others, He said:
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye (Matt. 7:3-5, emphasis mine).
We might assume this is a quick process. I’ve discovered, however, truly understanding the emotional and spiritual dynamics of my most complicated relationships require significant prayer, Scripture reading, and “interactive journaling” where I seek to hear from God as I write. I’ve also encountered numerous instances in which the Lord resolved an issue without me needing to do or say anything. This reminds me that, while He might guide us to act, only He has the power to soften and transform the heart — mine included!
Recognizing this and relying on His wisdom helps prevent ineffective arguments that will only increase our frustration. Notice what Jesus said, after encouraging us to evaluate ourselves:
“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces” (Matthew 7:6).
In other words, don’t waste energy or words on someone who not only won’t receive them, but might also use them against you.
That doesn’t mean, however, we must passively accept poor treatment.
Set and Stand by Your Boundaries
Consider the implications of 1 John 3:18, which states,
“Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.”
First, this tells us to make sure we live according to our priorities and commitments. We can’t tell our spouse we’ll protect them and our marriage and then remain passive when our mom, dad, or sibling criticizes or insults our beloved. This verse also emphasizes the importance of remaining aligned with truth. This encompasses all areas of our lives, not just doctrine.
Prior to your visit, determine (preferably as a couple) what behavior you will and won’t tolerate and how you’ll respond when someone steps over that line. Optimally, each person will take responsibility for their family. If, however, your spouse hasn’t yet gained the emotional strength to do so, you can guard your heart by setting boundaries with him.
For example, one friend with a spouse who had difficulty setting boundaries with his parents expressed to him the way she felt comfortable engaging with his family. She would accompany him for visits, hoping for the best. But if the situation devolved, she’d send him a text asking to leave. (She understood that he, having grown up in dysfunction, wasn’t always aware of when unhealthy behavior arose.)
However, she would also keep their car keys. That way, she could still leave, regardless of how her husband chose to respond. This drastically reduced marital arguments, helped her partner become more alert to toxic behaviors, and decreased her anxiety by increasing her sense of agency over the situation.
A Holy Example
Our Lord set healthy boundaries throughout His earthly ministry. Had he not, He never would’ve accomplished all the Father commanded. I discuss this more fully in an iBelieve article titled, “What Would Jesus Say About Setting Boundaries.” In short, He didn’t allow the demands of the crowd, even those with significant needs, to steal His time with the Father (Mark 1:35-39). And while He invited everyone He encountered into a faith-based relationship, He also let them walk away when they chose (Mark 10:17-27).
His parable of the Prodigal Son conveys the same life-principle. In this story, when a man demands his inheritance so that he can live as he wants, the father doesn’t stop him. Nor does he rescue him from the consequences when his wild behavior leaves him destitute. We later see how this was an act of love in that it was the man’s dire state that drove him back home. The point here, however, is that Jesus didn’t change who He was, what He believed, or how He behaved to avoid rejection.
Don’t Let Unhealthy People Set the Agenda
During a painful relational challenge, God guided and encouraged me through Jesus’ behavior at the Last Supper. John 13:1-5 states:
“It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.”
Jesus knew His betrayer sat in His midst, but didn’t allow him to sabotage all He had planned for the evening. Instead, He loved His beloved disciples to the end, or closer to the original Greek, “to the uttermost” (v. 1).
For us, this might look like choosing not to sit or stand close to a toxic relative during Christmas dinner, or not letting them bait us into an argument. We can also determine to give ourselves a break when we feel our self-control waning. A quick prayer walk outside or trip to the restroom can help us return “filled with the Spirit,” and therefore better able to maintain our peace this holiday season.
While this isn’t an all-inclusive discussion of all the ways Scripture guides us toward increased health and emotional freedom, I hope it provides some tools we can keep with us this holiday season. If nothing else, may it assure us that our emotional well-being is important to Jesus, and He will, and does, guide us toward increased wholeness, inner tranquility, and enduring joy. We don’t have to live, and react, at the mercy of critical in-laws, or anyone else for that matter. We are chosen, held, empowered, led, and deeply loved by our Savior, and He holds our lives and our hearts secure in His hand.
May we enjoy all the gifts we have in Him this Thanksgiving and Christmas, refusing to allow human sin to steal them from us.
Related Resource: Dealing with Dysfunctional People over the Holidays
The stress of the holidays becomes amplified when we know we'll spend time among dysfunctional people. As Christ-followers, this can elicit questions and confusion. How can we share the light of Christ in a way that feels emotionally safe? Is there a way to reduce the chaos? Carol's guest Pam Farrel believes, often, there is. In this episode of Faith Over Fear, she shares some strategies she's developed in dealing with an alcoholic father and a mother-in-law with significant mental illness. If this episode helps you face fear with God's confidence, be sure to subscribe to Faith Over Fear on Apple or Spotify so you get new episodes every week!
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/skynesher
Jennifer Slattery is a writer and speaker who co-hosts the Faith Over Fear podcast and, along with a team of 6, the Your Daily Bible Verse podcast. She’s addressed women’s groups, Bible studies, and taught at writers conferences across the nation. She’s the author of Building a Family and numerous other titles and maintains a devotional blog at JenniferSlatteryLivesOutLou
She’s passionate about helping people experience Christ’s freedom in all areas of their lives. Visit her online to learn more about her speaking or to book her for your next women’s event, and sign up for her free quarterly newsletter HERE and make sure to connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and GodTube.