Fewer millennials are having children. Not fewer children, mind you, but rather fewer millennials are having any children. This is not a minor trend. A 2018 Pew Research Center survey found that 37% of U.S. adults younger than 50 said they were unlikely to ever have children. By 2023, that number jumped to 47%. Much has been written on both the causes and ramifications of this development. Overlooked, until a New York Times article recently went viral, was what it means for the parents of those childless adults. Titled “The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent,” Catherine Pearson delved into the emotional abyss being felt by millions. One person interviewed, who fell into the camp of having children who didn’t want children themselves, said that though their decision is “right for them,” it still breaks her heart. “I don’t have young children anymore, and now I’m not going to have grandchildren,” she said. “So that part of my life is just over.”
It's a delicate matter. On the one hand, these parents want to empathize with the deeply personal decision their children are making as to whether to have a child of their own. On the other hand, they are grieving when the decision is to forgo having children. For the children of these would-be grandparents, their own dance is trying to validate their parents’ grief without it impacting their personal choice. So, guilting your kids over not having grandkids isn’t good, nor is a cold indifference to how the decision may be impacting a parent who very much hoped to become a grandparent. No one is “owed” a grandchild, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be genuine sadness over not having one.
Marriage and family therapist Torri Efron suggests that the key maneuver is to use the word “and” instead of “but” when expressing yourself. In an interview with HuffPost, she said that the statement, “I hear you don’t want kids, but I am so sad about that as I had thought I would be a grandparent,” lands a lot differently than, “I hear you don’t want kids, and I am so sad about that as I had thought I would be a grandparent.” Having said that, parents should make it clear that they are not looking to use guilt to change their child’s mind. Sad can simply be sad.
But I would like to offer a word.
If you are thinking about skipping out on having a child due to the financial pressures of the world or lack of a support system, but you would very much like a child, you may be overlooking a most ready and eager source:
That grandparent.
Another trend of our day is the “baby-chasing grandparents,” who are “turbocharging demographic shifts.” As the Wall Street Journal (WSJ) recently reported, “Baby chasers are one of the cuddlier demographic trends” as retirees move closer to their children and grandchildren and, once there, help. David Held, a retired New York City police officer who now helps watch his 7-month-old granddaughter two days a week simply said, “I don’t want to be Grandpa on a screen.”
There’s so much about this that is not only feasible but also a win-win. As WSJ reported:
High mortgage rates are no obstacle to longtime homeowners who can sell their paid-off houses and buy new ones without a mortgage. In an era of more flexible work, relocation doesn’t have to be mean retirement. When grandparents live nearby, families can spend less on childcare—and eldercare.
Having said that, I would like to offer a second word. This one as a father of four and grandfather of 16. To those of you wanting to avoid having children, I get your reasons. But I also will tell you that I have never met anyone – anyone – who has had children who wished they hadn’t.
Not one.
What a child brings to your life is so much more than what you might be imagining it would take away.
And to those of you who are grieving not being grandparents? I can only imagine. I know how much my life has been filled to overflowing through each of my grandchildren. But don’t guilt your children over it. Instead, offer them your love and support if they choose to have a child.
Even if it involves a little baby-chasing.
James Emery White
Sources
- Andrew Van Dam, “Millennials Aren’t Having Kids. Here’s Why.” The Washington Post, November 3, 2023, read online.
- Catherine Pearson, “The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent,” The New York Times, November 11, 2024, read online.
- Kelsey Borresen, “Boomers Are Grieving Not Becoming Grandparents—And Millennials Aren't Having It,” HuffPost, November 14, 2024, read online.
- Heather Gillers, “These Baby-Chasing Grandparents Are Turbocharging Demographic Shifts,” The Wall Street Journal, November 24, 2024, read online.
Photo Courtesy:©GettyImages/arieliona
Published Date: November 20, 2024
James Emery White is the founding and senior pastor of Mecklenburg Community Church in Charlotte, NC, and a former professor of theology and culture at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, where he also served as their fourth president. His latest book, Hybrid Church: Rethinking the Church for a Post-Christian Digital Age, is now available on Amazon or from your favorite bookseller. To enjoy a free subscription to the Church & Culture blog, visit churchandculture.org where you can view past blogs in our archive, read the latest church and culture news from around the world, and listen to the Church & Culture Podcast. Follow Dr. White on X, Facebook, and Instagram at @JamesEmeryWhite.