10 Effective Strategies for Healthy Grieving

1. Hold Expectations Loosely

Loss rockets us into new and unknown territory. Well-meaning people may tell us what to expect. They explain typical stages of grief or talk about their own experiences. While we can learn from others, we may find ourselves responding differently. 

In this mysterious, uncharted season of life, we develop expectations — sometimes unconsciously. We may also make plans. There’s nothing wrong with expectations and plans, but we must remember only God is all-knowing. He holds our timeline in His hands. 

Instead of clinging to an imperfect understanding of our future, we can hand our expectations to Him. Releasing them to God helps us to adjust to His best for our grief and our future. 

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2. Make Time with God a Daily Priority

Grief saps our energy and desire to return to normal activities. We may have difficulty spending time with God in His Word and prayer. Sometimes, we doubt God’s goodness or feel anger toward Him.

We need God more than ever when our future feels as dead as the person we lost. When our hearts are broken, we need the daily nourishment of God’s Word to heal and regenerate.

Don’t be surprised if time with God looks or feels different than before. Rather than a vigorous study, you may need to simply saturate yourself with one meaningful verse.

When we meditate, or think deeply, about just one verse or concept, we hope to perceive the reality of God’s presence. How does this work?

As you repeat a verse and think about each word, allow your imagination to develop a picture that reflects the meaning of the words. Seek to understand how God is represented in the meditation.

We can also simply sit quietly and think of God seated next to us. We talk to Him in the same way we would converse with a friend. If we have questions, He guides us into His thoughts and His ways. When we fall apart, He picks up the pieces and binds our wounds.

When we feel anxious, He supplies His peace. When we hurt, He comforts us. He’s also big enough to handle our doubts and anger. He bolsters our confidence in Him when we wrestle through our questions and emotions.

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3. Set Aside Time to Periodically Check in with Yourself Emotionally

Sometimes we brush aside or suppress feelings because they’re messy or overwhelming. Other times, we may focus on one emotion to the exclusion of others. For example, we often pin the label of anger on feelings of disappointment, fear, hopelessness, or resignation.

When we learn to be still, analyze our emotions, and give them an outlet, they won’t fester or burst out in unhealthy ways. Take time to sit with God and probe your heart to see what’s hidden under your façade or layers of activities.

Allow yourself to talk to God honestly and express the depth of emotions you feel. Wail, cry, or rant to Him as needed. He sympathizes will all your feelings.

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4. Balance Introspection with Outward Focus

As we grapple with grief, we usually need to back off from some of our normal activities, including serving others. We may not have reserves of energy and emotional capital to invest in outreach.

At the same time, we should also be cautious of becoming too self-focused. As God enables us, we can find small ways to give to others.

My friend whose husband died sometimes invites my daughter, who has Down syndrome, to sleep over at her house. She relieves my caregiving load a bit, gives herself some human company, and makes Alyssa feel special. At the same time, she takes the focus off herself.

Even as we grieve, we can minister to others. We can send a note of encouragement or offer a prayer for someone in need. Our outreach may be as simple as giving a listening ear to a friend who has problems of her own.

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5. Accept Help from Others

Do you prefer to be on the giving or receiving end of help? Most of us find it easier to give assistance to others rather than be the one in need. If you tend toward self-reliance, God will probably use your time of grieving to teach you to graciously accept help.

Let’s remember God created us for fellowship with one another. He sends brothers and sisters in Christ to be His ministering hands and feet. Their help, while humbling, is His provision to meet our practical needs and nourish our spirits.

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6. Grieve with Those Who Grieve

We all grieve differently, but others with similar experiences can best understand us. Apostle Paul said, “For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer” (2 Corinthians 1:6b, NLT).

Other people who have experiences similar to yours are uniquely qualified to sympathize with you. Though our paths through grief may have different scenery, people who grieve together share many of the same thoughts and feelings.

Those who are ahead of you on the journey have practical advice and encouragement to help you along the way.

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7. Allow Yourself Time to Remember and Talk about Your Loved One

People often feel awkward in the face of death. Some try to answer the inexplicable and fill the silence with jabber. Others are afraid to say the wrong thing, so they withdraw in silence.

When we talk or cry about the person who is now gone, many people don’t know how to respond.

Even so, we need to remember our loved ones. Sometimes we want to celebrate them as a gift from God. At other times, we might need to express hard feelings about being left behind.

When we can speak aloud about good and bad memories without shame or guilt, we open a healthy release valve for our sorrow. Pray that God will show you one or two people who will give you space to reminisce.

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8. Keep a Gratitude Journal

God warns us about the danger of ingratitude. Our hearts grow dim, and He feels far off. Yet in our grief, we often can’t imagine how to be thankful. 

A gratitude journal helps us to practice turning our thoughts to God in thanks. Each day, write at least one reason you can genuinely praise God. Perhaps you’ll write a memory from the past that touched your heart. 

Or maybe you’ll give thanks for a warm shower. Perhaps you’ll note a budding crocus that reminds you spring always comes after a bitter winter. Eventually, you may even record a new dream God gives you.

At first, you may struggle to write in your journal. Over time, though, you’ll find your heart healing as the pages are filled with gratitude. One day, you’ll look back at the blessings from God and know He’s been with you all along.

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9. Set at Least One Goal for Each Day

Grief sets us adrift on an unfamiliar ocean. Waves of mourning push and pull at us but don’t lead to any particular destination. The simple act of setting a goal gives us a horizon line to stabilize each day.

We need to be kind to ourselves as we set goals. If we don’t see the point of dressing in the morning, the goal for the day may simply be to get out of pajamas.

As we progress, we may risk setting more difficult goals. If we fail, we ask God to help us try again the next day. “Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning” (Lamentations 3:23, NLT).

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10. Plan for a Crisis

As we progress through grief, we will begin to return to a semblance of normal life. We may go back to work or resume social activities. But normalcy comes in fits and starts.

Some days we wake up under a storm cloud of grief. Or the happy family event we looked forward to sends us into a downward spiral of tears.

We should expect grief to overwhelm us at unusual times. Armed with this knowledge, we can plan ahead with coping strategies.

On a morning when you can’t function, be prepared with a plan to comfort yourself. Can you take some time to journal your feelings? Do you have a friend to call? Will you meditate on several encouraging verses from God’s Word?

When you venture back into social activities, think about how you will respond if emotions overcome you. Perhaps you can ask the host ahead of time for permission to retreat to a quiet place in the house if the need arises.

If you drive yourself rather than carpool, you can leave at any time without inconveniencing anyone. If you need to slip out early, ask a trusted friend to make a simple apology for you.

As you grieve, remember God knows and sympathizes with your sorrow. He grieved as His own beloved Son died on the cross. Lean into Him, and you’ll find He “is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble” (Psalm 46:1, NLT).

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