3 Christian Perspectives on Dating and Age Gaps

1. The Wisdom of God

In an Ask Pastor John segment from Desiring God with John Piper, the question of marriage to someone half your age arose. The person asking was in his late forties considering marrying a woman in her mid-twenties. Pastor John tackled the question head-on with some considerations, such as statistics, "Statistically, the greater the gap in ages, the greater the likelihood of divorce. One group of statistics that I consulted said that a gap of 10 years increases the likelihood of divorce by 39 percent, a gap of 20 years increases the likelihood of divorce by 95 percent, and a gap of 30 years increases the likelihood by 172 percent. So, if 3 out of 10 marriages fail when both are 25 years old, then 8.7 marriages out of 10 fail when the 25-year-old marries a 55-year-old."

This is a factor, but it is vital to recognize that not everyone in their twenties has the same level of both emotional and spiritual maturity. The same could be said for someone in their forties. While it is good to look at statistics, ultimately, it is not a "one size fits all" kind of answer to a very specific and dynamic question. Pastor John concludes with great wisdom and encouragement to the question: "And so, I would exhort our friend to go deep into the sovereignty of God, go deep into the goodness of God, and go deep into the wisdom of God. And sink your roots down so deep into God's sovereign grace that you are so firm in your sense of his sovereign care and love for you that you never feel abandoned by him, no matter what good is coming to other people or what bad is happening to you. Then, I think, you will be in a very good position to say a faith-filled yes or no to marriage to a woman half your age."

This view is key not just in marriage but in any major decision we make in our lives. Ultimately, we must not rely on our own understanding but look to God, delight in Him, and seek His wisdom and guidance above all else (Proverbs 3:5-6). He knows the future and what lies ahead; we do not, so only in trusting His leadership can we truly find security. Seeking the wisdom of God in these decisions can feel tempestuous, for we are dealing with the attachments and emotions of the heart, but that is also where we must keep God as our first and greatest love, above that even of an earthly spouse. We can trust Him with the answer of "who" He has chosen to be our spouse over every and any argument we would conclude ourselves, so seek His wisdom first and foremost.

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2. Maturity

When we dive into God's Word for romantic relationships authored by Him, we can grasp some fundamental factors that made the match one anchored in more than just good feelings. Consider the words of Boaz to Ruth in Ruth 3:10-11, "The Lord bless you, my daughter," he replied. "This kindness is greater than that which you showed earlier: You have not run after the younger men, whether rich or poor. And now, my daughter, don't be afraid. I will do for you all you ask. All the people of my town know that you are a woman of noble character."

We can see here an obvious age gap between Ruth and Boaz because of his phrasing, but we also see his praise towards her for maturity above her natural age. This kind of maturity is not just acquired with age but is grown and fostered through experience, spiritual rooting in God, and refinement by His hand. Ruth had endured much in her life, but she navigated life's challenges with and by God. Maturity is a vital factor in considering age gaps, especially because females tend to mature more rapidly than males. Maturity will prove a factor in navigating life's trails, especially as a couple in marriage.

3. Shared Generation

Another common factor to consider is that of shared generation. As a couple having the rooting of shared faith, morals, and character is vital and ought to be non-negotiable when it comes to placing God first, but everything that comes should not be overlooked either. Typically, marrying someone in the same generation as you (generations are, for the most part, marked within a 15-year span) will provide shared interests, hobbies, or memories. This is where the friendship of the marriage can often find benefit. It is also something to take into consideration when looking at how world events have impacted a person's worldview. For example, someone who was of school age during the tragic  September 11, 2001 attacks on the World Trade Centers will find a sense of shared commonality with someone who was also of school age, as compared to someone who was already in the workforce or who was yet to be born. These are not factors to deeply root in, but they can play a role in how a person reacts to macro and micro events, how they view the world, and part of the shaping of the person they have grown to be. Having a shared generation or a generation that shares overlap in facets will also factor into pop culture references and the friendship and fellowship that can be birthed from that. Again, it is not something to entirely base a relationship on, but it can be something that fuels the friendship fire of a couple.

Ultimately perspectives such as maturity, generational factors, and spiritual growth are important, but the wisdom of God and His input on the issue will prove the most imperative of all. As much as we think we know what is best for us, the Bible reminds us that the heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). Because of this truth, we must not rely on what our hearts are saying or the coined encouragement the world offers to "follow your heart" but instead look to God to reveal in His timing and ways His will for our lives-including romantic relationships. Trust that if He has revealed and made His Will clear for you to be in a romantic relationship, even if there is a gap, He has a purpose and a plan. Relying on His voice, wisdom, and discernment will ultimately prove what is best for your life and for the glory of God here on earth.

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