3 Questions for Nurturing Your Marriage

1. Do you want me to help, or do you want me to listen?

It took years for my husband and me to realize we needed to ask one another a simple question: do you want me to help, or do you want me to listen? Often I would go to my husband wanting to talk to him about something, and all I really wanted to do was talk about it, get it out, let it be heard, and let him know how I was feeling about it. In my husband's mind, however, he is a "fixer," and so he always wanted to fix whatever was wrong or whatever he felt I was saying was wrong. Sometimes I would get frustrated because I didn't want him to fix it for me; I just wanted him to listen to me. That is why I put this question as number one and as what is most important for nurturing your marriage. Marriage is a relationship between two imperfect people, and how we relate to one another is so important.

We need to know when our spouse comes to us with something: a fear, a concern, a story, or even a frustration: we need to know what they want us to do with the information that comes out of our mouths. Some people might say we should just know because we know our spouse so well, but I don't think that's always the case. There have been times when my husband has come to me in our marriage wanting to talk and wanting me to listen to him. But the entire time he was speaking, I was trying to think of a solution and so I wasn't really listening and engaging with him and what he was saying.

There are times in marriage when your spouse wants to be heard, and there are times when they want you to help. Asking this question is a great way to discern what kind of conversation you're having and what needs to be done. What is the outcome of the conversation meant to be? That you feel seen, heard, loved, and understood? Or is the outcome of the conversation intended to be that you've done something productive, that you've figured out a solution, and that you're now able to move on.

"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." -James 1:19

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2. Do you need time to solve a conflict, or do you want it solved right away? Why?

You might be one of those people who wants an immediate answer and who wants a problem to be solved right away, or you might be one of those people that needs time to think about the conflict and what happened, the best way to solve it and your space to contemplate it. Every single one of us is different, and sometimes we are the first person who wants to solve it right away; while other times we are the second person who needs time.

My husband and I have learned that this is not a hard and fast rule: sometimes he wants to solve the problem right away, sometimes I need time to think about it, and vice versa. So this can be a really important question to ask when it comes to nurturing your marriage, and it can be a question that you ask repeatedly anytime conflict arises between the two of you. In so doing, you can let your spouse know that you need space to think and quiet time to process without offending them. Your spouse might say they don't want time because it's going to cause them to lose sleep, and they'd like the conflict solved right away.

When you are both on different pages, more conflict can ensue because one of you wants to solve it right away, and one of you wants to wait. This is why it is so important to talk to your spouse about your feelings when it comes to conflict and resolving it. One thing my husband and I have learned to do when we enter conflict is that regardless of how upset we are, we always make sure we say, "I love you."

My husband is very good at this: he will always say, "I love you," even when he's mad, frustrated, or upset with me. He lets me know that, yes, we're in conflict now, and yes, I'm upset with you now, but that doesn't take my love away from you: I always love you. This is very important for a spouse who wants to resolve the conflict right away, but perhaps that is not possible: maybe time is needed.

I also know that according to Scripture, we shouldn't let the sun go down upon our wrath or go to bed when we're angry. This was one of the key pieces of wedding advice given to us on our wedding day. I've also learned that this isn't always possible, as much as we would like it to be. Some conflicts require deep thought to result in deep resolution: so it depends.

"Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath." -Ephesians 4:26

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3. What can I do to reduce your stress level?

Let's face it: we're all stressed. The good news is: when you have a spouse, you have help with this. You have someone to divide and conquer various stressors with. This is one question that my husband and I never thought of asking each other: until we ended up with financial stress and medical stress with our son:

What can I do to reduce your stress level?

I'm an introvert, and my husband is an extrovert: so I need time alone to reduce my stress level, whereas my husband would rather keep busy and visit family and friends. So one way he reduces my stress level is by taking our kids on adventures and giving me time to decompress, read, pray, and write. One of the ways I help reduce his stress level is by making sure everything is packed up and ready to go when we're about to get in the SUV and go visit people or take the kids on their next adventure.

These seem like little things, but we've learned over the years what our spouse truly appreciates and what makes them feel less stressed. As circumstances change, it is also paramount to continue asking this question.

It also only adds to our good feelings towards one another when we find ways to help reduce the stress level of our spouse. We're happier, and they are happier.

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