3 Truths Required for a Healthy Marriage

1. Marriage Must Be a Mirror

I spent years praying for my future husband. I also was very picky about who I chose to date. As a result, I ended up with the most patient, kind, God-fearing husband you can think of. While we were dating, this was an incredible experience. I was constantly thinking “How did I get him?” It felt like a dream. But when we got married, his strengths began to call out my weaknesses. And the worst part? He didn't even know he was doing it. 

When I would be irritated and rushed, my husband would respond with gentle patience. I would hear Christ whisper, “Love is patient, Olivia”. When I was in a place of selfish self-preservation, my husband’s humble and selfless love would expose my sin. To say it simply, marriage is a mirror and this mirror shows you the parts of you that need fixing. 

You see, marriage before the fall of man was supposed to be a fairytale. Now, it's the union of two very imperfect people who very imperfectly pursue Christ together. But friend, this is a part of sanctification. On this Earth, we are being sanctified every day, made more like our Creator until we reach glory. Marriage, being a representation of Christ and the Church, is meant to be a loving, safe, sanctification. My husband’s action should be making me reflect and see where I am lacking because that is how I will be more like Jesus. Vice versa, my strengths should make my husband see where he is lacking, making him turn to Christ.

(I want to clarify that if your spouse is using sanctification to manipulate you, that is not God’s intent for marriage. It is through my husband’s humble love that God reveals to me my imperfections. Again, I emphasize God reveals to me my imperfections, not my husband. God simply uses him as a vessel.)

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2. Shame Must Be Destroyed

As I mentioned earlier, marriage is a reflection of Christ and the Church. In Ephesians 5:25, husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. And even though no man can love you as perfectly and wholly as God, a God-fearing man’s wife should see glimpses of Jesus’ love in her husband’s affection towards her. 

I struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Contrary to popular belief, this does not mean I have to have every picture frame hung perfectly straight and a perfectly clean car (actually, I’m the opposite!). What this does mean is that certain triggers can make me question the most important facts about myself. These triggers and thoughts leave me in fear and worry. My husband and I have been together for about three years. Throughout those three years, he has learned of my OCD and my triggers and has never once judged me. Every time I open up to him about my latest obsession, his understanding and love shock me. The lack of judgment and the willingness to help remind me that God heard all my years of praying for a husband long before I met him. As much as my husband’s love makes me feel seen, though, I am reminded through that love that God loves me with a more abundant, understanding, and perfect love than my husband could ever even fathom. 

OCD can cause a lot of guilt and shame. Opening up about it can be embarrassing. But because my husband has shown that he will not judge me, I open up to him freely. Even more so, God invites us to open up to Him freely! Friend, I have learned that I can bring any guilt, shame, sin, doubt, fear, etc. to the feet of God and lay it there in the confidence that God will forgive me, sanctify me, and walk me through whatever battle I am facing. God knows me better than my husband ever could yet loves me more than humanly possible. How crazy is it to be fully understood and exposed yet fully and perfectly loved by God?!

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3. It Can't Always Be about Me

In my marriage, my husband and I share everything. We share thoughts, finances, food (well, he shares his food), and more. Before marriage, I only had to worry about myself. I got paid? Time to treat myself. I was struggling with my mental health? I would figure it out eventually, no need to share with anyone. But now, I am called to be a helpmate (Genesis 2:1). My life is no longer about me. And that has been a hard pill to swallow. 

We live in a very selfish culture. Putting aside our wants and even our needs in order to accommodate our spouse is not encouraged or promoted. In fact, our culture has taken biblical principles and made them into oppressive narratives. Don’t get me wrong, I do not believe that God is okay with your spouse emotionally, physically, financially, mentally, or spiritually abusing you. You are a daughter of the King and, biblically, you are to be treated as such. However, despite what Instagram says, marriage and life are not about what you can get out of them. Instead, they are about what you can give. 

I will probably be learning this lesson for a while, as I have years of selfish habits to break. But marriage has shown me that in order to love someone fully, you must be willing to put your self aside. Love is not convenient. Love is not self-seeking (1 Cor. 13:5). And pure, sinless love is only given by God.

I have much to learn, but I am very grateful for what God has already taught me through marriage and the grace that He has taught me with. My husband and I are not perfect— at all. But we serve a perfect God in our individual hearts and in our life together. And it is through this relationship with Christ that I am learning how beautiful love can be. 

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