"What do you mean you didn't get me flowers? Or a card? Or a stuffed teddy bear and chocolate?"
It was early in my marriage, and Valentine's Day had always been a huge event in my family. I was accustomed to waking up to pink, red, and white streamers, a fun breakfast, my dad having gotten my mom flowers, and homemade Valentine's Day cards with cute little caricatures. What I didn't know—and what no one warned me about—was that Valentine's Day isn't all that to a lot of people. And it was even less to my husband, who had no idea it was Valentine's Day at all.
I remember feeling lost—betrayed, honestly. Actually, I felt disappointed beyond words, and I will admit, I hauled my barely over twenty self to the bathroom for a good private cry. My emotional irrationality determined that at this rate, I would probably have a horrid marriage, and it would end beneath the scattered remnants of unused streamers and forgotten cards.
Well, I was wrong.
After I adopted a more rational approach—namely, I asked my husband what his thoughts were and where they came from—I learned a few things. One, we were raised very differently, and Valentine's Day was about as important in his family as National Ice Cream Day (I know! Can you fathom that?). But apart from that, he asked me a very simple question:
"Wouldn't you rather I show you how much I love you and how much you mean to me every day? Or do you prefer a manufactured day that essentially coerces me, under threat of unhappy wife and guilt, to give you the obligatory flowers, card, and candy?"
Okay. That was a rather dumb question in retrospect. I mean, yes, I wanted the flowers, cards, and candy, but no, I didn't want it to be coerced by a financially motivated retail system monopolizing on men's obligations and women's expectations.
I was loathe to admit it, but he was right. Love meant more if shown through free will and on a daily basis than in a red envelope covered in gold glitter.
Did my husband follow through with his thought process? Yes, he did. It's been Valentine's Day here for the last twenty-five years, although maybe not in the way some of you expect.
Here are three ways he's proven to be my Valentine every day:
1. Reliability
1. Reliability
Okay, to be fair, you can't purchase this at your local gift shop. But reliability goes a long way. Think about it, ladies. When was the last time your husband was reliable and pulled through for you down to the detail? When was the last time you didn't have to organize, double-check, and make sure there was a backup plan? When did you last not worry about whether he remembered to pick up the kids, feed the dog, or run the errand you'd asked? I thought so.
Husbands, reliability is like the atmospheric music to a romantic evening for your wife. The very idea that she can ask you for assistance and you'll be reliable is music to her ears. But here's a sticky-wicket of a question: Is it music to your ears, too?
See, I'll be honest. In our relationship, I'm less reliable than he is. My husband has made a concerted effort to practice reliability. This means that because he loves and cares and wants to serve me, he's ensured he doesn't fall short as much as he possibly can. Suddenly, the stereotypical roles have reversed, and now I find myself working hard to reciprocate with the same love language of respect that he's given to me.
Valentine's goes both ways.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund
2. Faithfulness
2. Faithfulness
This is different from being reliable. It doesn't have to do with showing up on time regularly; it has to do with keeping a covenant.
Can you imagine being in a relationship where you have no worries or questions that your spouse will be faithful to you? Yes? Wonderful! That's a Valentine if I've ever heard of a Valentine, and probably one of the most romantic ones. If you're that blessed not to worry, imagine what it would be like if that weren't the case. If you needed to question why your spouse was late, or what they were doing on that work trip, or if the fact you were aging created a sense of straying?
But not everyone can answer "yes." Maybe you're the spouse who needs to reconsider if faithfulness is a Valentine you need to begin gifting to your significant other. Or perhaps you're the spouse who is aching for the day when you no longer need to worry about faithfulness in your marriage. It's a difficult and painful place to be, and those of us who are reveling in candy and chocolates sometimes do so because it's as close as we can get to masking the pain of questioning.
So, remember your covenant of marriage every day. Consider the pain of those stories you hear where faithlessness ruins a couple. The Valentine of faithful commitment should never be taken lightly.
3. Sensitivity
3. Sensitivity
Romance takes various forms. Yes. I'm not discounting the desire for candlelight and roses—although, after twenty-five years, I'm not going to lie: I prefer a night on the couch with a good movie and a luscious bowl of popcorn while I'm dressed in flannel pajamas. But, to each his own.
But sensitivity is romance on a lot of chocolate. I mean this! Especially when you know your spouse doesn't get why you're emotional, upset, irritated, or frustrated. Nothing is more functionally romantic than a spouse who listens and meets you where you're at—even if that means they're putting up with you being irrational, temperamental, weepy, or snippy.
Here's a silly example in which I will out myself for my emotional lack of stamina. I had a fish in a bowl when we first got married. It was a blue Betta fish; I loved it and believed it loved me. I woke one morning to my rock of a husband sitting on the edge of the bed. There was gentle consideration in his voice and a sweet sensitivity when he told me he'd noticed my fish had gone belly-up during the night. In order to preserve my emotions, the fish received its burial by toilet flush, and the bowl was cleaned. He was sorry, he said that I was crying, and he even gave me a hug. Inside, I know—I know!—his instincts were screaming: "IT'S JUST A FISH!" But it wasn't. Not to me. So, with sensitivity and care, he met me where I was at—even if it made no sense to him.
Side note: to up the romance, he bought me a new Betta fish. I named it Theo. I thought you should know.
This list could go on for an entire book. When you begin to calculate the number of words that end the "I wish my spouse was" sentences, you're suddenly facing a huge Valentine's card rack of potential romantic gestures and, even better, romantic habits.
Sure, this Valentine's Day, we may be showered with roses—or, in my case, we might make a frozen pizza. However, Valentine's Day may be an afterthought for your spouse. It may be the end of the world if it's forgotten.
But let's be cautious to keep it in perspective. Valentine's Day is a day when we celebrate love. Love is a state of character supported by action and bestowed on someone we would give our lives for. Romance is shallow in the end. It's fleeting. Or is it? Reviewing just the three words I've highlighted here, I realize that romance is deep. It's powerful. It's intoxicating. And though my husband will probably never get me a box of chocolate covered cherries, the value I feel being treasured as evidenced by his actions? Well, I'm okay if February 14th slides on by. Because in our house, it's Valentine's Day every day.
Originally published February 11, 2025.
