4 Comforting Truths for Those Grieving the Loss of a Nonbeliever

1. Remember the life lived, whether or not it was lived for the Lord.

Colossians 1:16 says, "For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him." God created the person you have lost. Their life was not a mistake; it was given on purpose and for a purpose.

We see throughout Scripture that God used people who were not living for him for his purposes. Consider Pharaoh, a man who hardened his heart against God and was never given a saving faith. Yet God used his life for redemptive purposes, culminating in having the Israelites set free after more than four hundred years of brutal enslavement!

Perhaps you look at the life of your loved one and find it difficult, if not impossible, to see how the Lord could have used their life for his glory. But perhaps you can find comfort in remembering that we don't always see how God is working, even in our own lives. This doesn't mean he isn't working.

If your relationship with the deceased was healthy, and this loss leaves a void in your life, take time to reflect on the blessing they were to you. Spend time in prayer, thanking God for placing this person in your life. Reflect on what they meant to you and what your life will lack without them. Tell others about them and about the richness they brought to your life. Ask the Lord to replace your sorrow with joy and thankfulness for the sweet time you had with them in this life.

2. Honor the life of the person lost because they were made in the image of God.

The person you are grieving was made in the image of God, and their life—their personhood—deserves respect and honor for that reason alone. You can acknowledge that they lived apart from God and still appreciate that they were made in his image. It's also helpful to remember that, through common grace, your loved one reflected some aspect of God, even if unintentionally.

Honor your loved one by considering how you saw the image of God in them, however dim it might have seemed. Perhaps you saw them be generous and kind to others in their life, even if their relationship with you was strained. Maybe they had a good work ethic and dealt fairly with others in their business. Strive to see how they displayed common grace.

Honoring this person's life may look as simple as acknowledging their sin and shortcomings without slandering their name. Honoring them might mean acknowledging your own sins and shortcomings and recognizing the gift of faith you have been given. Recognizing and being thankful for your own salvation can often bridge the gap between anguish and acceptance. Forgiving them for any pain they caused you and acknowledging the joy they might have brought to others is also a way to bring honor to this person and God.

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3. Lament.

Grief is already exhausting. It takes a toll physically, mentally, and emotionally, often leaving you feeling isolated. Now add in the knowledge that your loved one isn't heaven-bound. The weight of this heartbreaking reality can be paralyzing. I know from experience that losing someone who doesn't have saving faith complicates the grieving process. As we come to terms with our loved one's fate, we can come to the Lord in lament.

Sometimes, expressing grief isn't easy, as it often feels like our language lacks adequate words. In these moments, we can turn to the Psalms to help give voice to our emotions. Consider Psalm 6:6-7, "I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. My eye wastes away because of grief."

As Mark Vroegop outlines in his book Dark Clouds Deep Mercy, there are four steps to lament: turn, complain, ask, and trust. Turn to God in prayer; if you don't have your own words, pray through a Psalm. Complain by simply telling God the reason for your sorrow. He already knows, but telling him will do your heart good. Ask God all the questions that are flooding your mind. Finally, as you'll see in the Psalms and throughout Lamentations, almost every lament ends with renewed trust and praise. While this step may take time, Vroegop says, "Each step of lament is part of a pathway toward hope."

4. Hope.

Through the work of the Holy Spirit, I believe we can still grieve with hope. Our hope is found in Revelation 21:4, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Because of this truth, we can grieve without letting our pain supersede the reality of Jesus's death, burial, and resurrection. This good news allows us to grieve with hope, even if the person we're grieving had none.

We can grieve with the hope that our heartache is only momentary. We can grieve with an expectant hope that one day, God will allow us to understand his justice. We can grieve with the hope that upon understanding his justice, we will be humbled to the core by the fuller understanding of his grace and what we were saved from.

There are no adequate words to describe the grief of losing a loved one who is bound to an eternity separated from God. The depth of that pain can be paralyzing. There can be a sense of guilt and unworthiness in recognizing your own salvation, which can add to the complexities of what you're already feeling.

As you remember your loved one, thank God for their life. Honor the life that was given in the image of our creator, albeit a broken image. Grieve, but grieve with hope. On that day, when our Lord and Savior makes all things new, all our sorrow will disappear, and we will live out John 16:22, "You now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you."