4 Keys to Growing in Grace in Marriage

Defining Grace in Marriage

Grace is often defined as unmerited favor—receiving something good when you’ve been not so good. In the context of marriage, grace is a gift that makes room for your spouse’s flaws and shortcomings. Just as God extends His grace to you when you are undeserving, you are called to extend that same grace to your spouse.

In Ephesians 4:32, Paul instructs believers to "be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." This verse is a powerful reminder of the type of grace we should extend to our spouses: it’s kind and compassionate, not resentful or reluctant. This kind of grace gives a smile when you’d prefer to give a scowl. It sees your spouse’s weaknesses dimly and his/her strengths brightly. This kind of grace empowers you to forgive when it's hard, love when it's not easy, and practice kindness in the face of contention. 

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Forgiveness is Foundational

One of the most significant ways to grow in grace in your marriage is through forgiveness. Every marriage experiences hurt and disappointment, no matter how godly the couple is. It's inevitable that when two imperfect people share their lives, conflict will eventually ensue. However, holding onto grudges and past hurts will eventually poison the relationship. When you decide to forgive instead, you choose to let go of the hurt and move forward in love.

This does not mean that you excuse what happened or belittle your feelings about the pain you experienced. To forgive is simply to release someone of a debt they owe you. Corrie ten Boom famously said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.” 

Jesus taught about forgiveness often. His disciples (that’s you and me, for the record) were instructed to forgive "not seven times, but seven times seven" (Matthew 18:22). He wasn’t teaching that there is a literal number of how many times we ought to forgive someone but a principle of continual forgiveness. In marriage, this means choosing to forgive again and again . . . and again. It's not about keeping score or waiting for an apology, even. Disciples of Jesus forgive in the absence of an apology. We extend the same grace that we've received from Christ. While we were still sinners (and sinning!), Christ died for us (Romans 5:8, emphasis mine).

When we forgive, we free ourselves from the burden of bitterness and create an environment where love can flourish. This isn’t about forgetting or ignoring the hurt but rather choosing to move forward in grace, trusting that God can heal and restore what is broken. He always gets the last say.

ALSO SEE: Finding Forgiveness and the Road Back to You

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1. Practicing Patience

Patience is another essential ingredient of growing in grace in marriage. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22) and it means understanding that your spouse is a work in progress, just like you. It gracefully gives your spouse the time and space to grow, recognizing that change doesn't happen overnight.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness." - Galatians 5:22

James 1:4 encourages us to "let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Perseverance is synonymous with patience. When you persevere through difficult challenges in your marriage and wait for God's timing to bring about growth and maturity in both you and your spouse, you are practicing patience.

"And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." - James 1:4

In practical terms, this might mean being patient when your spouse is struggling with a particular issue or habit. It means resisting the urge to complain or criticize and instead offering a helping hand or encouragement. Patience allows grace to work in your marriage, creating an environment where both spouses feel safe and empowered to grow and change.

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2. Unlocking Understanding

Effective communication is crucial for a grace-filled marriage. Misunderstandings and miscommunications can lead to unnecessary conflicts and hurt feelings. To grow in grace, we must learn to communicate openly, honestly, and lovingly with our spouses.

"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." - James 1:19 ESV

James 1:19 advises us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." This is excellent advice for marriage. Unlocking understanding means being quick to listen and genuinely hearing what your spouse is saying without immediately jumping to conclusions or getting defensive. It means listening with the intent to understand, not just to respond. 

Being slow to speak involves thinking carefully before we speak. Words have power, and careless words can wound your spouse deeply. Grace-filled communication compels you to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), be mindful of your tone and words, and always seek to build up rather than tear down.

"Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ." - Ephesians 4:15

Finally, being slow to anger looks like controlling your temper and responding with grace even when you're frustrated or hurt. It's choosing to respond in a way that reflects Christ's love, even when you feel misunderstood, ignored, or disrespected. 

ALSO SEE: 5 Reminders to Love Your Spouse When You Don’t Like Your Spouse

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3. Service Seals the Deal

Another aspect of showing grace in marriage is by serving one another. Jesus set the ultimate example of servant leadership when He washed His disciples' feet (John 13:1-17). This wasn’t just some spiritual example Jesus was setting; He was responding to a real need. The disciples’ feet were dirty, having trekked the long and dusty Jerusalem roads, so Jesus “lent a hand” and washed their feet. In marriage, we are called to serve our spouses in love, putting their needs above our own. 

Service is born of humility. Philippians 2:3-4 encourages us to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." This principle is vital in marriage. When both spouses are committed to serving each other, grace abounds, and the marriage thrives.

Serving one another might look different in each marriage. It could be as simple as making your spouse's favorite meal, helping with chores, offering a listening ear after a long day, or “serving” them in the bedroom. Service is an act of grace that shows up as daily (sometimes random) acts of kindness and love that demonstrate your commitment to your spouse’s emotional well-being.

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4. Embracing Your Space for Grace

Finally, growing in grace in marriage requires that you embrace grace for yourself. It’s easy to be hard on yourself when you fall short as a spouse. You might feel like you’re not doing enough or that you’re not measuring up to your spouse’s or even God’s standards. However, just as you’re called to extend grace to your spouse, you must also extend grace to yourself.

Remember, you are a work in progress, and God’s grace is sufficient for you. He is not asking for perfection but for a heart that is willing to grow and learn. When you make mistakes, repent, receive God’s gracious forgiveness, and keep it moving. Even in your mistakes, He is working in you to make you more like Christ.

By embracing grace for yourself, you are better able to extend grace to your spouse. After all, you cannot give what you do not have. Let go of unrealistic expectations and focus on loving each other as you are, imperfections and all.

Growing in grace in marriage is a lifelong journey. It never ceases. It will require forgiveness, patience, understanding, and service. It will require you to trust in the Lord and receive his grace for your space. God is with you, guiding you and giving you the strength and wisdom you need. He is the source of all grace, and as you rely on Him, your marriage will reflect His love and become a testimony of His grace to the world.

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This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit Christianity.com.