4 Myths about Gentleness You May Be Falling For

4 Myths about Gentleness

Myth 1: Gentleness Makes Me a Doormat

In English, the word gentleness sometimes carries the connotation of timidity. In fact, some versions of our English Bible translate the word as meekness, which sounds a lot like weakness — especially when used in common expressions like “meek as a lamb.”

This can lead us to wonder, if I choose to cultivate gentleness, am I giving up my voice? Does it look like a lack of passion, preference, or ambition?

Gentleness in Jesus’ Life

Our gentle, humble Jesus was anything but a doormat. While he washed the feet of his betrayer and sometimes chose to be silent, he had no problem setting boundaries or speaking his mind. No human controlled what he said or what he did. 

And he didn’t simply act gentle when he walked our planet. He described his very heart as gentle (Matthew 11:29).

Jesus, at the core of his being, is gentle.

This has always been God’s heart — even in the Old Testament. The psalmist David praised God saying, “You have also given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand upholds me; and your gentleness makes me great” (Psalm 18:35). 

Because God’s character is consistent (Malachi 3:6), every one of Jesus’ actions flowed from his gentle heart. He was gentle when he allowed himself to be “crushed for our sins” at the cross (Isaiah 53:5). And he was gentle when he tossed the greedy money changers out of his Father’s house.

Gentleness, according to Jesus, is controlled strength.

One commentary defines this fruit of the Spirit as “the right blend of force and reserve. [It] avoids unnecessary harshness, yet without compromising or without being too slow to use necessary force.” Ray Stedman write it is “real strength, but it does not have to display itself or show off how strong it is. This is what our Lord beautifully displayed [when] he described himself as ‘meek and lowly in heart.’”

Through Jesus’ example, we see that God’s kind of gentleness expresses itself in both silence and boldness. As we listen to his Spirit, resting in his gentleness and allowing him to direct and empower us, we’ll learn to:

- Entrust ourselves to God as our Defender

- Treat others (and ourselves) with kindness and respect

- Speak the truth in love

- Uphold wise personal boundaries

- Handle conflict constructively

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Myth 2: Gentleness Is Just for Women

As a woman who’s spent my life in Christian circles, I know 1 Peter 3:3-4 like I know my own name. In fact, these verses used to form my primary framework for understanding God’s call to gentleness — “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God” (NLT).

So, is gentleness just for women then?

Gentleness in Jesus’ Life

When God took on flesh, he came to us as a man — still fully God, now also fully human. By his own description, as well as his interactions with people, Jesus revealed his gentle heart. If God the Son is characterized by gentleness, it can’t possibly be a quality he intends primarily for women.

It’s also interesting to note that 1 Peter 3:4 (above) is the only instance where the call to gentleness is specifically given to women. In other passages, Christians in general (or church leaders) are called to exemplify this quality. 

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). 

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12).

Gentleness is God’s desire for all who follow Jesus.

Photo credit: Unsplash/Jack Sharp

Myth 3: Gentleness Comes Naturally to Some People

I used to think I had gentleness down pat. As a naturally quiet, non-confrontational person, I assumed gentleness was just part of my personality. The more I study the Bible, though, the more I realize no one is naturally gentle.  

Marg Mowczko says being “gentle has nothing to do with being shy, demure, passive, or weak. Rather, it involves both self-control and humility when dealing with others. It also involves cooperating with the work of the Holy Spirit.”

For both strong and subdued personalities, true gentleness is a work of God’s grace.  HELPS Word-studies explains that Biblical gentleness “is the fruit (product) of the Holy Spirit...It is never something humanly accomplished (or simply biological).”

Gentleness in Jesus’ Life

In a mystery that’s hard to comprehend, Jesus modeled the same dependance on God to which he calls each of us.  

“So Jesus explained, ‘I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself. He does only what he sees the Father doing. Whatever the Father does, the Son also does’” (John 5:19).

He sought the Father’s guidance through prayer. He yielded to the Father’s will in the Garden of Gethsemane. He spoke what he heard from the Father and was quiet when the Father wanted him to be silent.

In his humanity, Jesus relied on God to guide his life and ministry.

In a similar way, he calls us to cooperate with the work of his indwelling Spirit. For every personality type – introverts and extroverts – the Holy Spirit alone can cultivate gentleness in our hearts and live out his gentle strength through us.

Photo credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

Myth 4: Gentleness Is the Opposite of Anger

It’s easy to think of anger as evil, to assume we should never feel upset at the people or circumstances around us. Yet Ephesians 4:26 teaches us it’s possible to be angry without sinning: “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.” 

The feeling of anger is not sinful. Like all other emotions, it is simply part of being human, of bearing the image of a God who also experiences emotion.

When boundaries are crossed or promises are broken, when disappointments mount or dreams die, when conflicts sabotage our well-laid plans, it’s natural for us to feel angry. Anger is not the opposite of gentleness.

In fact, gentleness is “the middle course in being angry, standing between two extremes, getting angry without reason and not getting angry at all. Therefore, [gentleness] is getting angry at the right time, in the right measure, and for the right reason” (Lexical Aids to the New Testament in the Key Word Study Bible).

Gentleness in Jesus’ Life

Jesus expressed anger when he walked our planet. Once, he called certain people “faithless and corrupt,” and then asked, “How long must I put up with you?” (Matthew 17:17).

Another time, while his critics watched for a reason to condemn him, Jesus “looked around at them in anger and [was] deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts” (Mark 3:5a). After reading the situation, he performed the very miracle they hoped he’d do. He didn’t fear their hatred, and he didn’t hate them back. Instead “…He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly” (1 Peter 2:23b).

With a gentle heart, Jesus lived out “the middle course in being angry.” And he’s willing, through his Spirit, to teach us to do the same.

He invites us to process our emotions with him. In prayer, we can name our feelings, express our anger to him, and tell him exactly what’s going through our minds. Then in the silence that follows, he calls us to listen for his still, small voice speaking in our hearts—helping us sort out our emotions, renewing our minds with his perspective, and teaching us to live gently in each situation we face.

Photo credit: Unsplash/Sven Huls

The Heart of Gentleness

Gentleness begins on the inside, as “an inwrought grace of the soul” (Blue Letter Bible). It takes shape deep within as we experience God’s gentleness in our own lives. When he surprises us with tenderness and compassion, our soul’s hard places begin to soften. Trust takes root as God teaches us that he’s for us. Our God-given identity starts to push out the need to prove or defend ourselves. Humility grows in place of self-centeredness.

This inwrought grace has a profound impact on our relationships — first with God, then with ourselves and those around us:

With God, gentleness teaches us to walk by faith. It helps us entrust ourselves to him when we’re wronged. It enables us to rest in the assurance that he’s always working for our good. It strengthens us to rely on his Spirit when he calls us to be bold.

Gentleness teaches us to live relationally with him.

With ourselves, gentleness loosens the shackles of self-preoccupation. Because God defines and takes care of us, we can trust him to meet our needs. We can learn to be patient and gracious with ourselves, because that’s how God treats us. We can let go of people-pleasing and people-using, because we trust the heart of God.

Gentleness gives rest to our souls.

With others, gentleness enables us to honor the image of God in every person we encounter. It leads us to be considerate and reasonable, to seek the well-being of the other person and relate to them with respect, even if they don’t treat us the same way. Gentleness sees the bigger picture — that God loves the people around us as much as he loves us, and he’s weaving redemption into every situation we face.

Gentleness enables us to treat others the way we’d like to be treated.

A gentle heart reflects the heart of God. As we rest in his gentleness toward us, our lives will grow in gentleness as well.

Related Resource: The Transformative Power of Gentleness | Guided Meditation on Colossians 3:11-14

Gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit because it requires us to lay aside our agenda and our desires - and we need God’s help to do this well. We could use a little more gentleness in our world today. As you meditate on this passage with Jodie from the So Much More Podcast, allow the Spirit to guide you into the Fruit of the Spirit of gentleness. 

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