4 Steps to Take When Your Stepkids Step Away

1. Go Deeper

The desire to understand the why is key to starting the process. It's often as simple as the natural desire for a child to desire to draw closer to a biological parent. This is particularly true if it's a parent who abandoned the child or has been absent. In our adult mind this child should be angry with the lost parent. We want him/her to reject the one who caused them pain. And some do. But, more often than not, they allow that parent full access to their heart and lives. We logically think the child should be lavishing that praise and relationship onto the stepparent. The one who sacrificially stepped up and became responsible, caring, and compassionate. The one who stepped up when the parent stepped out. That logical thinking is coming from a developed, healthy, adult brain. It is not the thought process of a child who has been rejected by a parent. When a child suffers trauma, such as the abandonment or death of a parent, a child often has imbedded lies of shame, fear, and anxiety." If the child hasn't gotten the proper help, they have a brain that is repeating shameful accusations such as, "I'm so unlovable my own parent didn't want me. I'm so horrible my parent left me. I'm so despicable even my own flesh didn't choose me."

If the adult child never received help to discover how and why the parent's neglect or death affected them, it may reveal itself in destructive ways and other areas of life. Stepparent, you are blaming the wrong person. It's not the child's fault. It's the parent who discarded, died, or neglected the child. To some degree, it's also the fault of the other biological parent, your spouse, if they didn't obtain the help they needed. Dads often don't think the child needs help if he remarries and replaces the lost mom with a new mom. Even with the proper therapy, given the opportunity, a child will often gravitate to a parent who abandoned or left them. Stepparents, it's natural to be hurt and angry with a stepchild if they are pushing you outside the family circle. It's discovering what God would have us do with the anger which poses the greatest question.

2. Recognize

Recognize. Stepmom and stepdad, in many instances the rejection and snub have very little to do with you as a stepparent. Most of the time, the adult child isn't purposely rejecting the stepparent, especially if the person was good to them. They are rebuffing what the stepparent represents. A broken family. A lost parent. A fractured heart.

"Just for one day, I want to look out in the audience and see my mother and my father together, smiling, and watching me walk across the stage to get my diploma. I want to feel like a family, even if it's just for one day," a stepdaughter shared.

"On my wedding day, I'd like a family photo of me with my new spouse, my mother, and my father. No stepfamily. I just want one captured moment with the two people who created me. I want to know that at some point in my history, they were happy and that I came into the world via love. And not the hate that's between them now and for the last fifteen years."

This adult child does not detest the stepparents; they merely crave a moment of normalcy.

Stepparent, will you give them that gift? Are you willing to step back for a moment, day, or season so the child can have the moments they crave? Are you aware that sacrificially stepping back and giving the child what they need, rather than what you want, may be the biggest bridge you can build? It communicates, "I see you. I see your pain. I see your need. And I know I have the power to either make this an awkward, uncomfortable moment which is all about me, or I can give you this gift because I love you."

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/ Oliver Rossi

3. Step Back and Grieve

Sometimes, it's wise for a stepparent to step back and not pester the stepchild to embrace the stepfamily. It is possible to remain at the line of reconciliation, while letting your emotions take a break. I liken it to the biblical story of the prodigal son and his dad. Scripture tells us the dad sees his son while he's a long way off. That means he's watching for him and standing ready to run to him. If the stepchild chooses to walk closer to the relationship again, it's wise for them to know the stepparent is willing. During that time a stepparent can send little notes on special occasions, make a favorite cookie, drop off a small gift, etc. These are things that communicate, "I understand, and I'm here if you desire to reconnect." Let the child move at the pace they desire. God will help a stepparent to forgive the child for the hurt they are inflicting. There is also a stepparent grief that occurs during this step. It may be the death of the dream of what the relationship would be with the stepchild. Remember, it might be for a season, or a lifetime. Only God can know and control the future.

The key is to ask God for his perspective. Did he place you in this child's life merely for a season? Is it enough that God and your spouse saw what you did for the child? Or do you require recognition? Is God's "well done my child" enough for you?

We are not promised a reward here on earth for the things we do for our Father in heaven. It doesn't make the pain and hurt disappear, but it does give the scar a higher purpose.

Our job as Christian stepparents is to respond as Christ would. Is it easy? No. It's sacrificially hard. It's significantly important if the stepkids aren't followers of Christ. It may be a stepparent's finest evangelical moment when revealing how a person who loves and serves Jesus responds when rejected.

4. Focus Elsewhere

The enemy of our souls would love for a stepchild's rejection to provoke discouragement, depression, retaliation, and resentment in a stepparent. And for this stepmom—it worked. "I told my husband, if I can't be the grandma, then he can't be the grandpa. They either include me and let me spend time with the baby, or they don't get him as the grandpa," she shared.

God says that vengeance is his alone. Instead, we have the Holy Spirit's strength to give us the mind of Christ when we have been wounded by another. Hurtful thoughts will come, and it's crucial to take them captive and force the mind to focus on something that is a blessing or holy. If we dwell and ruminate over the rejection, we will be tempted to respond like this woman did.

To clarify, this doesn't mean we should ignore rude, cruel, or abusive behavior from a stepchild. Love does not mean ignoring, dismissing, or tolerating sin. Stepparents may need to set healthy and holy boundaries to protect themselves from the evil arrows of a disgruntled stepchild. God does not expect, or desire, for us to stand in the line of fire when a person is spewing hate towards us. It's wise to step away and take shelter. Jesus said no to people all the time. However, many of us have not learned how to set boundaries in a godly manner. This will be the perfect time to learn.

Stepparenting isn't for the faint of heart, and it's not for the weak in Christ, either. However, God is more than willing to give any stepparent the ability to respond and dwell above the pain. We never know what relationships God is using for His glory. Trusting Him with the results is the way to find peace.