4 Ways to Prepare Your Heart for Family Gatherings

1. Search your own heart.

Jesus warned, "How can you say to your brother, 'Let me get the speck out of your eye,' when there is a log in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:4)

Ouch, that's a tough one to process, huh? Obsessing over past hurts leaves no room to genuinely consider your own contribution to the conflict.

Dwelling on other's shortcomings while ignoring your own cannot prepare you to respond well during your next visit with extended family.

"An unexamined life is a wasted life." is a quote from my book, Moms Raising Sons to Be Men, because so few of us examine our hearts. 

Asking God to help you cleanse your heart is a vital step. When your heart is right, you will be positioned to pray powerfully for the Lord to glorify Himself through you as you interact with family.

James 5:16 says, "…The prayer of a righteous person has great power" (ESV).

Holding onto a grudge steals the power right out of your prayers.

2. Determine to be a peacemaker. Consider these verses:

"If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all men…And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful." (Romans 12:18, 2 Timothy 2:23-24).

If you were raised in a home where conflict was king, it may be the familiar manner in which your family interacts. People often fall back into the same birth order role they played as a child. For example:

• The middle child - who shuts down amidst conflict. (My hand is raised here.)
• The overpowering firstborn who manipulates others.
• The baby who pouts to get their way.

I'm a mid-kid with people-pleasing tendencies. Agreeing was easier than arguing - so that became my way. Being a people pleaser carried over into my adult life. However, the burden of being a people pleaser was finally broken when I learned that my life's goal was to be a God-pleaser.

And yet, going home somehow pushed me back into that people-pleasing role. Maybe you can relate?

A peacekeeper does whatever it takes to avoid conflict. But a peacemaker learns how to resolve conflict in healthy biblical ways.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/PixelsEffect

3. Have a plan.

It's important to have a plan for how you will respond when there is a conflict. Anxiety can arise when you constantly think about what might happen. Instead, it's better to prepare yourself by prayerfully considering how the Lord would want you to respond if any family drama arises. Here are some suggestions:

• Family drama can cause a strain on your marriage. So, discuss ahead of time with your spouse how you can stand united should tensions arise.
• If you're single, make a plan to take the children outside to play. Or, slip away to phone a supportive friend.

4. Tame your tongue.

Choose your words carefully because "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." It's crucial to be mindful of the words we choose to speak because they hold the power of life and death. Instead of participating in family gossip, let's speak positively and uplift each other. Refraining from speaking negatively is not the same as giving the silent treatment, and punishing someone by completely cutting them off only adds to the dysfunction. Such behavior will only escalate the situation, and it's not in line with the nature of a peacemaker.

Humility is key. You must remain humble. Realize how, without God's transforming work in your life, you too, would engage in familiar family drama.

Consider this perspective from the Apostle Paul:

"In these, you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator." Colossians 3:7-8

Pride goes before a fall. God resists the proud. But He promises to give grace to the humble. And His grace is sufficient for you, my friend. (See: James 4:6, 2 Corinthians 12:9).

Put on Love.

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." Colossians 3:12-14 ESV

Before heading home for your next family gathering, take some time to cleanse your heart. Only then will you be able to have grace-filled conversations with your family. Determine to be a peacemaker, for this is when "Christ in you" shines the brightest. And finally, have a plan for how you will graciously respond to any family drama that may arise. When you practice these steps, the hope of the gospel can be a beacon that God uses to draw your family to Christ.