5 Boundaries to Put in Place Before Holiday Gatherings

1. Start with Your Own Expectations

Before you set any boundaries, you need to evaluate your own needs. While boundaries can essentially be seen as a form of self-care, they should also be respected by both parties, as each side may come to an event with a different set of boundaries. As you can imagine, this could trigger unhealthy emotions. Setting limits on what you will and will not accept can prevent the sense of overwhelm, stress, and other negative emotions from bubbling up. You know, the ones that could potentially lead us to plant that ugly root of bitterness. Ugh.

Last year, I lost my mom suddenly four days after Easter, and heading into the holidays was anything but joyful. September rolled in and seemed to bring a foggy haze with it. While I usually love the holidays and start prepping and planning well in advance, I had absolutely no desire. It became more of a season to get through that to celebrate.

So, I set the bar pretty low for myself. We ordered takeout for Thanksgiving, and I opted out of a lot of holiday parties and festivities. I learned to take care of myself and watched more Christmas movies than I can count with a warm cup of cocoa, all while snuggling under my momma’s blanket. I needed that time. It was a boundary I set for myself in September. I was not going to feel pressured to attend events unless I felt up to it, and I tried to let others know with gentleness.

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2. Set Boundaries for Others

Sometimes, we need to set boundaries with others. It may be an emotional boundary, a mental boundary, or even a physical boundary. But as you can imagine, it is generally with a family member or friend that either has their own form of expectations or makes you feel stressed or uncomfortable. It is okay to admit that some people may just rub you the wrong way or act in a manner that is inappropriate in front of you or your children. So, set your limits now and prepare yourself for how to handle those situations if or when they arise.

If a mental or emotional boundary needs to be set, communicate with your spouse or trusted family member to help hold you accountable to take care of yourself. It is okay to politely excuse yourself from someone who is saying things that are causing you to shrivel up or become hastily defensive. There is no need to engage in those conversations. It is also okay to firmly (and clearly) state that those things are not discussed in your home or you do not wish to speak about them.

If a physical boundary needs to be set, such as a family member expects you to travel across the country to see them (and you just had a baby), or you feel obligated to attend (and maybe even host) every holiday get-together, but it’s stressing you out, set a limit now. Maybe invite family to you this year so you don’t have to travel or set a time when you have the flexibility to venture away from an event.

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3. How Will You Communicate Your Boundaries?

Once you have decided on boundaries to protect your mental health and that of others, now comes the time to clearly communicate them. This can be tough and may even feel daunting and intimidating, especially when there are underlying expectations from others or traditions that have been set and passed down for everyone to follow suit.

Each family is different, so the delivery method may differ, but do try to share with kindness and grace. Know that it may not be received well, but discussing it now will prevent it from causing an even bigger problem later. After all, when it comes time to get together, we don’t want to be discussing boundaries; we want to be making memories where everyone feels loved.

When you are ready to share your boundaries, here are a few things to keep in mind.

-Keep it brief.

-Do try to do so in person or over the phone, as text and email can come across in various tones and easily be misinterpreted.

-Listen to their feedback but stand firm in your boundaries.

Here are a few examples:

-Thank you for the invitation to come visit this Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, due to the little ones and added expenses, it will be hard to travel this year. You are welcome to come here instead.

-Due to hosting several other events for work and our children, I will not be hosting the festivities in my home this year, but we can go out to dinner or do a potluck at a park.

-I am feeling overwhelmed this year and need a breather. I could really use some help this year. Would you mind helping out with the food or clean up?

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4. Learn When to Say Yes and When to Say No

We all want to create memorable experiences with our families and enjoy our time together, but we all have a certain bandwidth. We all get stretched so far before we eventually “break.” That being said, we must learn the art of when to say “yes” and when to say “no.”

I have always struggled with this myself. As a people pleaser and a bit of a control freak, I like things “just so.” I am often reluctant to accept help and have an even harder time turning things down.

However, during the holidays, to keep the harmony (and our sanity), we must know when to eagerly say yes and when to gracefully say no.

It’s okay to ask for help or say yes when someone offers to bring a dish or help with the cleanup. It is also just as okay to tell people no. Sounds simple enough, but you have to read yourself. If that all-too-familiar heatwave of stress starts mounding up, you can graciously bow out and turn events down. The beauty of that is that when we say “no,” it allows another person to say “yes!” Therefore, providing someone else the chance to host, serve, or travel. You may be surprised that someone may excitedly step up when you turn something down!

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5. How to Gracefully Handle Difficult People

In reality, there will be times when people may not understand or flat-out choose not to respect your boundaries. Don’t be too discouraged if your boundaries aren’t received well. As a matter of fact, plan on it. While it can be pretty upsetting not to have your feelings (and boundaries) heard and accepted, realize that those “difficult people” also come with their own feelings and boundaries.

So, how can you gracefully handle a situation that can easily unravel out of control, causing a devastation of hurt feelings in its wake? Plan ahead! Start by sharing your heart, feelings, and boundaries now with those who may have difficulty receiving it. This begins to set the stage well before the holidays get here. Currently, you have about 50-ish days until Thanksgiving and 80-ish days until Christmas! So, there is time.

Nothing is more frustrating than a holiday event that brings on tension and stress from the beginning, so nip it in the bud, continue to be consistent with your stance, and stick with it. If a certain family member strokes that nerve of anxiety, start prepping your heart now and set limits on time and the energy you give it.

Pause and Pray

The greatest thing you can do before the holidays hit is to hand all your concerns, anxieties, stress, and boundaries to your loving Father. Let Him lead and guide you to find boundaries that will provide for joyous times ahead and make way for you and everyone involved to simply savor this special time of year!