5 False Claims about Christian Marriages

1. Christian Marriages Should Be Fulfilling

Have you noticed how, as a society, we have practically pushed aside the fairy tale image and learned to get acquainted with a little less than stellar version of our marriage? Dare I say even embracing that our marriage just "is what it is," and there is no version of it getting better. We have settled for our unions being cumbersome, stale, and even lifeless.

When we find that our marriages aren't fulfilling us mentally, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually, we sort of check out. In other words, we become jaded or numb to our partners. Sadly, this is where contentment, bitterness, and resentment love to hide. This is also the dark place where the liar sneaks in and whispers how our marriage is falling apart because of the ways our spouse is failing to meet our needs.

God tells us we must love our spouse through service. Ephesians 5:21-33 lays out a beautiful depiction of a loving servanthood in marriage. If you find your marriage a little lackluster or less fulfilling than it once was, read through these verses and lift your heart to God. Then, invite Him into your union and ask how you can serve your spouse in a way that will be more fulfilling to you both.

2. Christian Marriage Should Be Easy

The first year of our marriage was brutal. I'm just going to go ahead and lay that out there up front. I went in with high expectations and a hope that since we both loved God and were growing in our faith together, we would be set. It would be an easy street, so to speak.

Boy, was I wrong. I remember our first real fight and getting so rattled that I drove back to my parents' house in tears. I also remember my dad saying marriage takes work, and it isn't easy. Honestly, it was not at all what I wanted to hear.

As you well know, marriage is tough. It comes with unforeseen challenges that can cause strain and bring on a unique kind of heartache. At that point, you get the sense of what "one flesh" feels like when it is ripped or torn apart during hard times.

This is why Mark 10:9 is often read at weddings, as it brings to light a bold truth that all newlywed couples need to hear and tuck into their hearts. "Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate," are words that we need to speak often and reclaim over our marriage. God calls us to action as we remember that marriage isn't just a horizontal interaction; it allows us to reach up and seek Him for wisdom, discernment, and guidance.

3. Christian Marriages Should Be Divorce-Proof

Oh, how I wish this wasn't the case and that faithful couples would never have to face the devasting consequences that come with a divorce. Sadly, just as many hurt people are inside the walls of a church as they are outside of it. The only difference is that, as believers, we have hope beyond a failed or fractured marriage.

Sadly, we are not immune to the trials, temptations, and sins that can come into a marriage. Two believers are still filled with messy parts and go into a union with wounds and scars that can wreak havoc on a relationship.

The key to a healthy marriage isn't just digging into the Bible, praying over your spouse, and "forcing" it to endure. Sometimes, it's more difficult than that. Sometimes, we need to do our own heart cleansing and ensure we are approaching our spouse in love rather than bitterness. When trust is broken and events have shaken a marriage to its core, we must acknowledge the hurt and allow time for God to move in the process. While we can surely see ripe and sustainable fruit come from a faithful spouse who is in prayer, if it isn't done in love, it equates to nothing.

Forgiveness and grace are essential and will eventually free us from guilt, shame, remorse, or ill feelings. However, we must be motivated by God's mercy rather than our own internal motives. While there are biblical grounds for divorce (Matthew 5:32), seeking God with a heart posture of love for our spouse will give us the insight we need to reach for hope and healing.

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4. Christian Marriages Should Come Without Abuse

Let me first start by saying that God does not condone violence in any shape or form in a marriage. As His sons and daughters, we are equally loved, adored, and seen as His priceless treasures. We are to see our spouses in the very same way, honoring and respecting them as a child of God. Unfortunately, living in a broken and selfish world, even Christian marriages can get one-sided and become tempted by sinful pleasures or carry out unspeakable actions.

It's important to understand what a Godly marriage looks like. God designed marriage to be joined by two people in order to share companionship and live together in a healthy, safe, and prosperous way. A husband is to lead and protect his wife and children, while a wife is to nurture and care for her family (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). When these designated roles are not carried out in the will of God or are seen in a way to control or condemn, selfishness is bound to take over, and abuse is likely to happen.

However, just because a spouse is a believer doesn't mean they will never hurt their partner mentally, emotionally, or even physically. The grey area here is when abuse becomes a pattern in a marriage, and a partner begins to feel unsafe. This is when outside help will most likely be needed. Allowing God to provide wisdom and healing is crucial while praying for avenues to seek the support and counsel needed for both spouses.

5. Christian Marriages Should Resolve Conflicts

If I haven't said it already, no marriage is perfect. Not one! That goes without saying that every couple, at some point, will argue. Yep, that means Christian couples, too. But the good news is that arguments can bring to light issues that need to be addressed or boundaries that need to be enforced. This can cause a marriage to develop a deeper understanding and increase awareness of one another's needs. Essentially, fighting can sometimes be good for a marriage. Who knew?

The Bible tells us that a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1). We are also told to speak in truth and love (Ephesians 4:15). Furthermore, we are to be humble, gentle, patient, and kind to one another (Ephesians 4:2).

When it comes to an argument, many times, it's more about being heard and understood. Sure, there may also be an underlying need to just be "right," but, all in all, we disagree because there is a need we want to be met. When we approach an argument with the mindset of trying to understand the need our spouse is trying to convey, it allows us to soften our hearts while listening attentively, speaking in love, and extending grace as needed.

A Prayer for Your Marriage

Lord, I thank You for the precious gift You so graciously gave us in marriage. Please help us see our spouse the way You do and love them in a way that honors You. Help us dismantle all the lies and misconceptions about marriage and hold fast to the truth about what You say about marriage. We ask this in Your precious and holy name. Amen.