5 Healthy Ways to Process Church Hurt

1. I learned that forgiveness is a process.

So many people believe forgiveness is a "one and done" event, meaning forgiveness is a choice that immediately goes into effect once you make that choice. But that's not true. Forgiveness is a process, especially due to the nature of the offense. For example, someone who's been abused will need adequate time to heal from those wounds. It's not right to say forgiveness is a one-time process, especially if you've been abused repeatedly. It's difficult to participate in the process of forgiveness. It's even more challenging to participate in the process when someone has not repented from their behavior. Forgiveness is an obligation. God requires us to forgive those who have wronged us. But we must also recognize that this may take months (or even years) to process the pain fully. It can be a long and painful process, almost as much as the hurt itself. But we must do what's right by others by going through that process of forgiving the pain that has been caused.

One transformational strategy I used to help me in the process of forgiveness was written in Lysa Turkeurst's book Forgiving What You Can't Forget. In it, Lysa was encouraged by her counselor to write down every offense of the people who have wronged her. She named the offense to God and said, "I choose to forgive _________ for ______________. And what my feelings can't catch up to, I pray the blood of Christ will cover." Forgiveness can be especially difficult if we don't feel like forgiving that person. Experiencing anger while going through the process of forgiveness is a normal emotion. While anger indicates we haven't fully forgiven the person, it is natural to feel anger when we think about the wrong that has been committed. The way we relinquish our anger is to allow Christ's atonement on the cross to cover over even our feelings. Our feelings can be strong emotions that are difficult to navigate. Our anger at the offense can make us a target for another person to project those feelings and, therefore, not go through the process adequately. By allowing and trusting God that Christ's blood can cover our feelings, we know we can fully participate in the process of forgiveness no matter how long it takes.

2. I've learned to separate Christ from people.

Although we are to represent Christ as Christians, we often fail. In our humanity, we make mistakes. When we say or do the wrong things, this causes people unnecessary hurt and pain. In our humanity, we must learn to recognize our failures and repent of our behaviors so those failures are not repeated. We must realize Christ is not represented in slander, gossip, or hurt. That is a consequence of the fall and never God's intention for his people. When we can separate people's humanity from Christ's character, it is easy to continue to follow Jesus during great pain and sorrow.

3. I recognize that leaving a church is not the answer.

Often people feel if they just go to another church, their pain will be resolved. That's not the case. Instead, they transfer that baggage onto the next leader or next set of congregation members when they don't get their way. It's unfair to heap guilt and shame on people who are not responsible for it. As Christians, we have an obligation to others to deal with our emotional baggage fully, unpack those emotional suitcases, and empty them of the pain and hurt that may cause us to be out of relationship with others. When we entirely empty our bags and come away clean, we allow Christ's love and the fruits of the spirit to inhabit us once again.

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4. In certain circumstances, toxicity should be removed.

Boundaries are a biblical way for us not to allow toxic people to hinder our relationship with God and others. However, sometimes we use boundaries as a way for us to avoid doing the hard work of investing in relationships. When someone says something we don't like, we often set a "boundary" to protect us from future harsh comments. But the reality is we have never dealt with the pain the previous person has caused. Many Bible verses talk about being in a relationship with others. We are commanded "not to give up the habit of meeting together" (Hebrews 10:25), and we are to be in relationship with others in the body of Christ on a regular basis. But when we don't attend small groups or church regularly, we miss out on the beauty of God's creation. The body of Christ suffers because we are not using our gifts, and the true community is being hindered. When we leave another church for something more desirable, we leave God's brothers and sisters without helping them heal their own pain or learn how to be in the right relationship.

5. Have a healthy view of church leadership.

We must have a healthy view of leadership. Leaders not only are humans, but they also must make choices for the good of the entire church. What one person may not like, another person may prefer. While leaders do what benefits the majority, the church is not about "what's in it for me?" but rather, "What can I do for my church body?" Instead of complaining about leadership, try praying for them or putting yourself in the leader's position. What would it be like for you to make one decision that is for the good of hundreds of people? Would that be an easy decision, or would you make decisions that only suit your personal well-being? When we take things from another perspective and see things through another person's eyes, it is easier for us to respect them when we know that they must make decisions for the well-being of everyone, not just themselves.

Work towards healing your scars.

Church hurt is always tricky. It can take years to process the pain; sometimes, we never fully heal. But just as Christ died for us, in heaven, we will see him with the scars on his hands as a permanent reminder of what he endured for us. 

In the same way, to have fellowship with God, we have our own scars to endure. We must work to heal our scars to the best of our ability, and we will enjoy enriching, deep, and fulfilling relationships as a result.