5 Questions to Ask and Avoid with Singles

1. First, the question of all questions, "When are you getting married?"

Many singles are asked this question more often than not for several reasons. The first reason is that many believe being single isn't enough. They think people will not have a prosperous life if unmarried. Another reason is that people subconsciously project their fears of loneliness on singles simply because the church and society have often painted singleness as a season of loneliness. Lastly, singles have not been taught about the gift that singleness is, but have been subjected to the constant idolization of marriage. That said, if you want to know about a single's relationship status, you can ask, "What are your thoughts on marriage? Is it something you desire?" A lot of times, people presume that every single person on God's green earth wants to be married, but the reality is they don't. So, the next time you plan on asking a single person about marriage, take a moment to think about what you'll say.

2. The next question after inquiring about marriage is, "When will you have children?"

Many believers are taught that families grow the church, so naturally, when singles are present, many may try to marry them off so they can begin replenishing the church. While this is fine, asking someone when they will have children can be a bit insensitive. So, instead of directly asking a single person about children, why not ask, "Is it your desire to have children?" The latter question is a better one to ask singles because you never know who may be struggling with the reality of infertility, and asking this question can cause discomfort. Avoiding the first question can spare a single person's feelings, and it won't bring up the possible, painful reality of being infertile.

3. Another popular question singles are asked is, "Aren't you lonely being single?"

Many people, particularly married couples, often presume that singles are lonely because they don't have a mate. While this may be true for some singles, it certainly isn't the case for all. Many people often fail to realize that a person's loneliness isn't contingent upon having a personal mate. Loneliness is a state of mind. It is a feeling of distress and discomfort when someone believes there is a gap between their desired connection with someone and their actual connection with them. It is a strong desire for specific human contact that they are missing. The desire for connection doesn't necessarily mean an immediate desire for an intimate relationship or lifelong partner. With that being said, if you're curious about a single's desire for connections, you should not presume that they are lonely, and a more appropriate question to ask would be, "What are your plans for the weekend?" or even ask, "What are some things you like to do?" Life is about making quality, lifelong connections with people to fill your time with joy, peace, and love. Those are the things that remove feelings of loneliness whether you're single or not.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Adene Sanchez

4. Another question singles are often plagued with is, "What do you do when you want to have sex?"

Yes, believe it or not, many single Christians are asked about their desires for sex. This question should be avoided at all costs because not only is it extremely personal, but respectfully speaking, it is not the concern of others unless the person inquiring is seeking to help a single person with sexual immorality. Instead of asking a single person about their sexual desires, how about you reframe the question to say, "How do you manage your sexual desires?" Or better yet, avoid this question/subject at all costs unless, again, you have a sincere desire to help them with sexual immorality.

5. The next popular question singles are asked is, "Are you on dating apps?" or "Are you actively dating?"

These questions often bring about the assumption that a single person's primary focus in life should be a relationship. While there is nothing wrong with desiring a relationship, singles should not be bombarded with questions like these as they can place unnecessary pressure on a single's journey. So, instead of asking singles if they are actively dating in-person or virtually, you can simply ask them if they are interested in someone or if they have met anyone interesting. Being single is an unsung blessing and ministry that is often overlooked by many simply because it isn't glamorized. While many have pure intentions by asking singles one of the questions listed above, it's important to be mindful of what you ask and the manner in which you are asking. So, before you go, take a look at a few tips on how to ask singles questions.

Tips on Asking Questions:

Think before you speak. 

Before you ask an unmarried believer a personal question about any aspect of their relationship status, stop and think about what you're planning to ask. It's also helpful to be mindful of the way you ask a question. Check the temperature of your tone, and make sure your question will uplift the person you are inquiring to.

Pray and ask God what to ask a single person. 

Before you begin questioning a single person, the best thing you can do is ask God to lay some questions on your heart. Not only this, but it's best to ask God about what single you should ask questions of. Wait patiently to hear from Him, and move forward as He leads you.

Never assume anything. 

For ages, church congregations have assumed that every single person is either lonely or desires marriage. If you are planning to question singles, go in with an unassuming mindset. This will make the person you're engaging more comfortable with, and you will have a surprisingly pleasant conversation. Not only this, but you'll be surprised at what you may learn from singles.

Avoid negative projections about singleness. 

So many negative thoughts and images have been projected about singleness that it's almost natural for singles to believe that this time in their life doesn't have any purpose. As you're engaging with singles, avoid projecting loneliness, bitterness or anything of that nature. You don't want to make them feel as though their life is insignificant simply because they are unmarried.

Ask with pure intentions. 

Questions are an active way of learning. It helps people identify gaps in their understanding of things, and it helps people understand others' priorities. If you plan to ask singles about their personal lives, make sure you are asking with pure intentions, not simply to dig into their personal lives for your gain.

Check the person's temperature. 

Only ask about a person's relationship status when it is clear that they are open to the discussion. Many times, singles are caught off guard by certain questions, and they can take offense and respond negatively. To ensure yours and the single person's feelings are spared, make sure you've checked their temperature.

Remember that singles have feelings. 

Singles are people who have feelings. Many singles' feelings or emotions are unhinged because of the many pressures they encounter to get married. So, before you dive into questioning singles, be mindful of their feelings. The questions listed above are just a few to avoid when asking singles about their lives. While it's okay to inquire about some things, you should always be mindful of what you're asking. Any question you ask should be rooted in love and uplift the hearts and minds of your fellow single brothers and sisters in Christ. Singles, as you continue your journey, please understand that you will be asked a plethora of questions about your relationship status. Before you respond, take a minute to ask God how He wants you to answer each question. If you are uncomfortable with a question that was asked, respectfully let the person know how you felt. As I stated previously, questions are an active way of learning. It is one of the best ways to learn. However, when it comes to matters of the heart, some questions should be avoided to ensure that the hearts of those you're asking remain full.