5 Strategies for Parents Struggling to Give Their Adult Children Independence

1. Loosen the Reins

When my son became an adult, we found he was having difficulty obeying the rules of the house. Because he was an adult, he felt he could come and go as he wanted and do what he wanted. While this is true, he still needed to obey our home's rules. One day, we sat down and had a heart-to-heart talk. I discussed the difficulty of finding this balance with him. However, I promised to loosen the reins, meaning I would allow him to choose his curfew within a reasonable time frame, but he had to stick to the curfew. He could not be one minute over, or we would go back to the old curfew. This seemed to help us find common ground between him making choices but also respecting our authority in the home.

In the same way, we need to loosen the reins when it comes to our adult children. Whether we like it or not, kids make decisions we may not always make for them. They must learn from their mistakes and move into healthy adulthood. While rules and boundaries still need to be in place in the home, kids need to be able to make good choices. They need to express their discontent if a rule seems too critical or out of balance for their adulthood. Allow for re-negotiation as long as it's within a healthy boundary. Allow them to make choices of their own volition and live with the consequences. As you loosen the rains, watching them grow into adults who can make good decisions will be a joy.

2. Surrender Them to the Father

One of the most important things we can do as parents is to surrender our kids to God. We do the best we can out of our skills and capabilities to raise children with a biblical background and good, moral values. However, adulthood is when they seek to live out what they've learned. It will be difficult for them to receive consequences for their choices; ultimately, God is in control of every situation, including the children's. Have grace and understanding. We all make mistakes, and God will control all of them.

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3. Seek Community

Seek the help of those in your church or community who have raised kids or are in the process of raising them. The basic support will be enough to help cope with this transition. Additionally, your friends may have suggestions on how they got through these transitions. Taking their advice will not only help you feel supported, but also emulate those choices and help give your kids the foundation they need. There's no shame in asking for help. The adage is true, "it takes a village to raise a child." It is also true it takes a village to loosen the parenting reins and allow your kids to become adults.

4. Read the Word

Although the Bible doesn't specifically address making the transition from childhood to adulthood, it does give examples of people who had to navigate their kids being led in a direction that might cause them harm. For example, study Mary, Jesus' mother. It must have been difficult for her to raise her son from a young boy, only to see his calling of being the savior for all people come to fruition. The emotional pain as she watched her son beaten and persecuted must have been more than she could bear. However, she had John and other people to support her. Although this experience may feel foreign, it is not foreign to everyone. You are not alone. Even people from the Bible had to deal with difficult transitions in allowing people to make choices. It is especially difficult for parents to watch a child make decisions out of rebellion. Rebellion is difficult because God does not condone rebellion. He only wishes that his people surrender to his will. When children are bent on making decisions only because we tell them not to, this will lead them down a bad road. Offer advice, but don't be surprised if it's not taken. Take solace in the stories we read of people who had to watch their children make gut-wrenching decisions and didn't see God intervene on their behalf.

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5. Listen

Some parents only listen half-heartedly. As they listen to their children, they are formulating their responses in their heads. When kids get to be adults, they need to be heard without any advice. Ask clarifying questions to understand the whole situation. Let your kids know you'll be praying for them, and do so diligently. Send them a text throughout the day letting them know you are thinking and praying for them. Assure them and encourage them. Don't give advice; simply support them.

If your relationship with your child is strained, ask them, "What would you like me to do for you in this situation?" Sometimes, kids just want to be heard; other times, they want someone to fix the problem. Do whatever you feel is best, given the answer to that question. This will always make your child feel supported, but they may also need to lean on you for support in times of trouble. By asking them, you're allowing them to invite you into the conversation. Giving advice makes people feel you're still in authority over them. By asking them what you would like them to do, it helps them feel as if they are in control. Sometimes, the situation is so complicated they don't know what to do. Your advice may be warranted if you have lived through a similar situation. Other times, they may just want to fix it themselves. Whatever the case may be, be there to listen and support your child. Give advice only when asked.

Parenting an older child or an adult may be difficult. But you can strike a balance between support and advice. Ask clarifying questions, listen, surrender them to God, and allow them to make their own choices, even if the consequences may be dire. Sometimes, kids learn by falling on their own and making their own mistakes. Be there to listen and support them, go the extra mile, and help them when necessary.

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