5 Surprising Ways You May Be Destroying Your Relationship with Your Adult Children

1. Too Much Control

One of the most common mistakes parents make is to assert too much control over their adult children. When your children are children, you dictate what they eat, where they go, when they sleep, etc. But when they get older, they make their own decisions and ultimately make their own mistakes. Watching your kids make mistakes is difficult, even when you know the result. Out of concern, it's easy to want to control your kids. But kids will back away from a parent who is trying to assert control and not allow them to spread their wings and fly out of the nest.

Starting at age seventeen, it's important to begin allowing your kids to make more decisions.

As a parent, even though you know it's not good for them to stay up late on a school night or the night before a workday, kids must make those decisions and suffer the consequences the next morning. Their mistakes don't define them. As a parent, it's essential to reassure them that even if they make mistakes, those mistakes can be remedied. Trust that you made good decisions while raising them as children and allow them to become adults who may occasionally make bad decisions.

2. Failing to Self-Differentiate

As a parent, watching your children become adults is a bittersweet moment. This is because you get to enjoy watching who they've become, but also because they will live their lives, and you may not see them as much as you once did. The great thing, however, about being a parent of adult children is that you get to live your life, too. What dreams do you want to accomplish in your life? It's important not only to say goodbye to your role as a parent but also to become your best self as you think about the second act of your life. Would you ever want to return to school to pursue a different career? Do you want to advance your career goals? Do you want to travel? These are all questions to answer with a significant other, with friends, or alone as you navigate this new season of life. Although it can be sad to watch your children grow up and have their own lives apart from you, you get to be the person you've always wanted to be. Differentiate yourself as a human being apart from being a parent, and you'll find this season is extra rewarding.

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3. Treating Them Like Children

Along the lines of excess control, parents often still treat their children as if they were ten or eleven years old. They offer too much advice and don't allow for children to have a different point of view. This can cause a significant strain on communication and cause kids to limit their communication or stop talking to you altogether. It's hard to let go of your children, but it's necessary once they become adults. A parent needs to accept that their children have the maturity or not and can make their own decisions. You don't have to agree with their decisions to have a good relationship. Embrace your new role as a friend rather than as a caregiver. You can simply listen and validate their feelings as their friend rather than offering advice. This is vital in your new role, as kids will honor and respect you for giving them the space to become well-adjusted individuals.

4. Too Much Talking, Not Enough Listening

Another common mistake parents make is they want to make their children their best friends. Although it becomes increasingly difficult for adults to make friends as they get older, children should never be a substitute as a best friend for relationships with people of a similar age. Pure friendships are beneficial, but there must be a line between best friends and your children. This places your children in an awkward situation to have to stay around and entertain you. Additionally, as parents age and spouses die, parents sometimes find themselves alone. They want to cling on to their children for companionship. Their kids need to have their own friends, space, and way of making it in the world. While your kids will want to care for you if a need arises, making your child a best friend is not a good idea. They are not there to entertain you but to live their own lives.

5. Acceptance Is Key

Above all, acceptance is necessary for parents to accept their children, warts and all. Although adults may not need their parents as much as they did when they were children, they still need their acceptance and love. As they navigate through job loss, divorce, and other issues that may cause some shame or embarrassment, they want to be able to come to you as a parent and receive unconditional acceptance. Be the soft place for them to fall. Help your child know that they can come to you with questions or share their feelings or emotions about what's going on in their lives. You may not like or agree with what they're doing, but accepting them as adults and being proud of them simply for being your child is key. This is a role I believe is missing in our society today. Accept your kids as they are, and they will see Jesus in you. Reserve judgment and correction for when they ask you directly. If they don't ask, don't tell. Be present, allow them to talk, and be a sounding board as they navigate life's difficult transitions.

Being a parent is one of life's greatest blessings. However, when kids become adults, many people never discuss the difficulty that transition may bring. Parents may have trouble letting go and still want to assume the same role they once had in their kids' lives. Embrace your kids for who they are, listen and be present, give them room to be who they are, forgive often, and help when appropriate. They don't need an enabler; they need a person who is a safe place to fall when life gets hard. By following these tenets, your relationship with your adult child may be the best season you've ever had in your relationship.