5 Toxic Marriage Killers

1. Lies Kill Marriages

Truthfulness is foundational to maintaining a healthy, intimate, thriving marriage relationship. We made a covenant with our spouses that they would be a part of everything we did. This agreement implies that there would be no hidden places in our lives together.

We can break trust with our partner when we lie about big or little things! We automatically know that a hidden relationship or addiction will kill our relationship, but other tiny lies can also break down the foundation of trust that our relationship is built on.

Maybe we constantly omit details from our days that later our spouse finds out about. This omission can spark seeds of doubt in your partner's mind. Why is my spouse not sharing openly? Is there something they are trying to hide?

We should be transparent about how we are engaging with others online, how we are managing money, the commitments we are making with our time, the ways we are feeling emotionally and physically, and more. Open, honest communication is fundamental to our marriage covenant.

2. Addiction Kills Marriages

Addicts let the need for something overshadow every other part of their lives. Addition steals so much from us because it becomes our god. Our deep need for whatever we are using to soothe our souls supersedes our ability to be a safe and loving partner.

Addictions come in many shapes and sizes. A common one that many of us normalize in our social settings is alcohol abuse. For some, a glass of wine on the weekend or with dinner is harmless, and for others, alcohol can quickly become something we grow dependent on. We have to be cautious not to allow unwinding with alcohol to lead us to becoming an unsafe partner.

Unfortunately, addiction can come in many different shapes and sizes. We can be workaholics, which can lead to neglect in our marriages. We could be a shopaholic draining the budget in our home. Food can become an addiction that leads to health issues which adds stress to your marriage. Pornography can steal away all the sexual joy in your home. Marijuana, opioids, and drugs have become so easy to gain access to that drug addiction more commonly makes our homes an unsafe place. We have to aggressively pursue help and healing if we find ourselves battling addiction.

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3. Poor Communication and a Lack of Emotional Support

Staying connected when life gets full is really hard. I want to be my husband's best friend, but that is really hard to do when we work, our kids play sports, and we have a big family that requires a lot of time and attention. A lot of days, we barely make it to the end of the day sane, and we are so tired we have no space left to love each other well.

Yet, if we don't make time to talk and support each other, we find that we quite quickly go from ships passing in the night to ships at war with each other. The narrative goes from "they are too busy to talk to me" to "they don't love or value me. They don't see me. I don't even know them. Why am I married when the person I love doesn't even know me?"

Marriage takes work and intentionality to be there for each other. We have to make time to share what's on our minds, pray with each other, and just enjoy each other. If we don't prioritize each other, the enemy will quickly take advantage of our possibly unintentional disconnection and make it a reason to grow more and more divided as a couple.

4. A Lack of Intimacy

Intimacy is the sweetest part of being married. It's what gets those butterflies going in your chest when you just get to be with your spouse. Being emotionally, spiritually, and physically intimate keeps the joy alive in our marriages.

There is no one-size-fits-all rule for what sexual intimacy should look like in your home, but one thing is for sure: regular sex is a part of a healthy marriage. How often, what that looks and feels like, and so on should be agreed upon between a husband and a wife. Both parties should feel safe, loved, and cherished in the bedroom.

Intimacy means connecting not just through sex but it's also connecting emotionally and being on the same page spiritually. Trust is vital for intimacy to thrive in our relationships. Being intimate is being familiar with one another. That means our partners' minds, bodies, and souls should feel recognizable to us. Almost as comfortable as our own skin to be around.

5. Abuse Kills Marriages

God does not want you to stay in an abusive marriage. That is not his plan for you. You cannot save an abusive partner; you need to place firm boundaries when abuse is happening and let your partner seek out their own help. If you are in an abusive marriage, help can be found here.

I am sad to report that abuse is so often normalized in Christian marriages because marriage is elevated above the safety of the people in the marriage. God designed marriage as a way to reflect how Christ loves the church. That means if your marriage is unsafe and does not in any way mirror the love of Christ, it is not what God had in mind for you. Marriage is a covenant that requires love and respect; if that does not exist in your home, then the covenant is not being upheld, and you need to step away in order to find healing.