5 Warning Signs a Marriage Is Destructive

1. When Controlling Behaviors Abound

Control becomes an issue when the spouse's emotional and mental issues are not resolved. A husband may control his wife if he feels she is not submitting to him and his demands. A wife may control her husband if she feels his behaviors are selfish or not motivated by love. Control stems from another issue. Typically, fear or anger are the underlying issues behind control. He may also have needs for love, affection, or affirmation that may have gone unmet. When one spouse feels the other is not giving them what they need, they control their spouse and behaviors to get their desired outcome. However, this puts a marriage on the path to quick destruction.

God never intends for one spouse to control the other. Both parties exist to demonstrate love, commitment, and faithfulness to the other. It is the spouse's responsibility to devote one hundred percent to their marriage. When one spouse is doing more of the work, it's easy for them to try to control the other to get their needs met. However, our emotional needs are not meant to be gained from another person. When one spouse exploits the other for personal gain, the marriage relationship always ends up in trouble. Control is just another symptom of a significant problem.

Having said this, some conservative views may support (or even applaud) this behavior. Male leaders may support the man if they feel his control is warranted because the wife is not being submissive. They may feel the wife is out of obedience to Scripture and, therefore, believe the behavior of control is warranted. But Jesus never controls anyone. God gives us free will to choose. In the same way Eve chose to eat from the tree in the garden, God allows spouses to choose loving or unloving behaviors. God never forces us to love him. We have the free will to choose to obey him or not. In the same way, spouses should be free to choose their own behaviors.

Instead of control, spouses need to learn good boundaries. Boundaries are not laced with control but instead are set in place so that destructive behaviors do not affect the other. For example, if a wife feels controlled, she can set a boundary of personal and emotional space until the issue is resolved. If the partner is unrepentant, these boundaries may need to stay in place for an indefinite amount of time. Good boundary setting is an example of a healthy marriage. While one spouse cannot control the other, they need to protect themselves and not allow control to affect them negatively.

2. When Abuse Takes Place

Abuse takes many forms. Abuse should never be tolerated in a marriage. Abuse can be physical, emotional, mental, and sexual, among others. However, abuse can be hidden under a partner's smooth talk and persuasive words. Furthermore, gaslighting and other destructive behaviors may result if the partner wants to tell someone about the abuse. If one partner suspects abuse, please go to a leader or pastor in your church. Let them know about the situation. If no help is received, go to a professional, like a counselor. If the situation worsens, contact the police or another person. Get to a safe place, so he or she can have some space to make good decisions for their future. This is especially important if children are involved. It is never good for children to see the example of abuse in a home. Name-calling, mockery, and intentional shaming are all examples of abuse. That should never be tolerated, no matter what the situation.

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3. When One Spouse Publicly Denounces the Other

Regardless of the state of a marriage, neither spouse should ever use a social situation to put down the other spouse. Both spouses need to learn to exalt the other publicly. Even in situations where both parties are angry at each other, it is not the time or place to share this with your friends. Instead, find a professional therapist where you can go for counseling and where you can express these problems in private. It doesn't honor your spouse or the Lord when we publicly mock the other. Friends who hear this type of talk should be vigilant about helping both parties. Reach out and ask them if they need help. Reach out to a leader or a pastor in the church that can help. A partner who says, "I was just joking," does not understand what a marriage relationship should be like.

4. When One Partner Shows Passive Aggressive Patterns

When spouses fight, they need to resolve the situation. Sweeping an issue under the rug and pretending it's not there, not apologizing, or doing passive-aggressive behaviors such as giving the cold shoulder indicates a marriage in trouble. Just as outward name-calling or other destructive language is unhealthy, so is passive-aggressive behavior done behind someone's back. When someone gossips about them or simply ignores them, this is equally destructive. If a partner needs space, the partner should express that to the other. The partner should give the person space to process their emotions so they can come back together and resolve them. For the marriage to heal, both parties need to take responsibility and apologize for their part in the unhealthiness of the marriage.

5. When One Partner Shows People Pleasing Behaviors

Just as passive-aggressive patterns of behavior are destructive, so is people pleasing. When one partner simply wants to sweep things under the rug so conflict does not happen, he is doing more damage to the marriage than good. Both parties should be able to express themselves using "I" statements in a healthy way. Even if it takes a mediator to help them work through the conflict, it is crucial to the marriage. One partner should not bow to the other to keep the other happy. Rather, both parties need to express themselves and their needs. When one party constantly bows to the other, resentment and anger will abound. Soon, one partner won't even know why they're angry at the other person because they've just let their own emotions fall by the wayside for so long. It's essential for both parties to value and honor the other to be able to healthily express their needs and wants.

Marriage takes work. Marriage is not easy. But when both parties come together, admit their faults and weaknesses, and work hard to restore the relationship, they gain satisfaction from the marriage. Best of all, God is honored in the process.