5 Ways to Survive a Belittling Spouse

1. Pray for Them

The first step in surviving a belittling spouse is to cry out to God. God knows everything. He numbered the hairs on our heads and knows our every thought, emotion, and action. Some of the best prayers we can pray are the simple ones where we cry out for help. Pour out your emotions to God. Tell him everything you're thinking and feeling. Not only will it be cathartic for you, but placing your hope in the one who can fix it will give you hope for your marriage relationship. If it helps, journal about your relationship as well. God gave us emotions for a reason. But if we stuff them and don't deal with them directly, they can cause damage to both our relationship with each other and our relationship with God.

Furthermore, it can cause spiritual, emotional, and physical harm to us if gone unprocessed for a long period of time. Ask God for his help in forgiving your spouse for their words, even if you don't feel like they deserve it. We are obligated as Christians to forgive others as we have been forgiven. Ask the Lord for his son's blood to cover every offense, even if the offender doesn't deserve forgiveness. Allow Christ's blood to cover over your feelings. If you find yourself harboring anger throughout the day, try praying several times a day. This will keep your mind focused on God and off of your spouse and their unkind words.

2. Affirm Them

This may seem counter-intuitive, but sometimes the best way to reverse negative comments is to treat the other person with kindness rather than disrespect. We are taught to love others with our words, as Matthew tells us to do: "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor' and 'Hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven." Jesus taught us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. This can include our spouses. We must remember that whoever tears down their spouse and assassinates their character reflects flaws in their own character. Do your best to love them even if they don't deserve it by pointing out the positive traits you see in them. Show your appreciation even when they complete a menial task at home. Show affection both in words and deeds throughout the day. While this may not change the negative comments, it will help you to serve your spouse and love them in the same way Christ loved the church.

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3. Confront Them

Sometimes it takes a heart-to-heart conversation to point out the error of your spouse's ways. If they grew up in a home where sarcasm or negativity abounds, they might not be aware of what they're doing. Be specific and tell them exactly what was said and how it made you feel. Let them know it will not be tolerated any further and declare it emotional abuse. Draw clear boundaries and tell them what will happen if the belittling continues. Do not allow them to draw you into an argument; rather, make your thoughts and feelings clear using "I" statements. When you have finished expressing yourself, allow the spouse to speak. Do not allow them to deny or make excuses for their behavior. Let them know an apology is needed to reconcile their relationship. They will also have to demonstrate through kind words and behaviors that they have repented over this behavior.

We are obligated to forgive those who have hurt us; we are not obligated to tolerate abuse. If you feel you cannot speak to your spouse alone, enlist the help of your pastor or another trusted adult to act as a mediator for your meeting. Allow the mediator to run the meeting by allowing each person to speak and not allowing the other to interrupt. Pray the three of you can brainstorm how to rectify this behavior.

4. Seek Professional Help

A counselor may be needed if the belittlement continues. A counselor is a third party who does not know either of you and can offer unbiased advice on what to do. Choose a counselor who will validate your feelings and allow each of you to speak freely. Make sure you come away from each session with action steps to work on together as a couple before your next session. Try not to bring up what was said in the counseling session at home; leave it there. This will help the healing process in between sessions.

5. Read the Word

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Although this sounds simplistic, leaning on the Word of God and not your own understanding will be most beneficial during this tough season. Start in the New Testament and write down everything God says about you. Compare this with all the things your spouse has said about you. Are the words your spouse uses in alignment with Scripture? If not, do your best to forget them. These words can wreak havoc on your self-esteem and, if gone unchecked, become lies you tell yourself often, eventually damaging your emotional and spiritual health.

Marriage is meant to be a fulfilling human relationship that meets your mental, emotional and sexual needs. We are meant to honor both each other and God with our words. When we tear one another down with our words, we're not only tearing apart our relationships but also breaking down our relationship with the Lord. Honor God with our lips. Seek to build others up. Do the soul work. Be the best spouse God intended you to be.