6 Proven Ways to Communicate Effectively in Your Marriage

1. Speak the Other's Love Language

Communication is vital in every area of the marriage. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, explains there are five ways to communicate love to your spouse: quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, and touch. It is important to identify your spouse's love language and speak it frequently. This will help with any future breakdowns in communication. People often speak the love language that speaks to them. For example, a spouse who loves acts of service may serve you often. Knowing your spouse intimately enough to speak their love language is essential so they can feel loved and appreciated often.

2. Speak Directly and Boldly

Conflict occurs if the spouse feels unappreciated or uncared for in the relationship. Each person must speak directly and boldly to the other. Being honest with your feelings will help the other person understand exactly what you're feeling and how they can respond. This will deepen the intimacy between each other. It is common when people are upset to start assassinating their character or placing blame. This makes the conflict worse. Don't sugarcoat the situation. Instead, speak openly and honestly about your feelings so your spouse knows exactly where you stand.

3. Use "I" Statements

"I" statements are important when it comes to open and honest communication. Starting a statement with "You make me feel…" can only make the situation worse. Instead, start with the word "I" at the beginning of the sentence. Change "You make me feel…" with "I feel sad when you…" This makes your feelings your own. No one can make you feel any feelings unless you want to. You can only change yourself, but you must communicate how you feel to your spouse. It's not good for them to have to guess what you are thinking or feeling.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

4. Nip it in the Bud

Don't let conflict fester. Scripture says, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger, and do not let Satan have a foothold." This is important for a marriage relationship. Do not allow anger against your spouse to continue because you fail to express yourself. Don't go to bed angry at your spouse only to find it increases the next morning. Even if you must fight late into the night, ensure you get to a resolution before falling asleep. Resolve it quickly. Let go of what needs to be moved on from. Don't make mountains out of molehills, and don't sweat the small stuff.

Go to God with your anger. Cry out to him and let him lift your anger from you. God asks us to cast our cares onto him because he cares for us. Your anger is one of his cares. Tell him everything you're feeling and thinking. If, after crying out to God and allowing him to heal you, you still feel the need to address the issue with your spouse so conflict resolution can be made, then do so. If not, let it go.

5. Don't Hold a Grudge

The most crucial thing in a relationship is not to harbor forgiveness. It is inappropriate to keep your spouse bound by resentment for areas where they have already asked for forgiveness for an extended period. Our duty as Christians is to forgive one another, just as Christ has forgiven us. If we don't forgive others, Christ will not forgive us. This is one of the only times in Scripture where we are told salvation is not granted without an action. In this case, it is forgiveness.

Having said this, forgiveness is a process. Depending on the nature of the offense, you may be holding on to anger and resentment for a long time. You may be working on forgiving but don't quite know how. That's okay. Do the work that you can. Ask the Lord to take the rest. Ask the Lord's blood to cover your feelings, even if you don't feel like forgiving your spouse.

Forgive when necessary. Your marriage is the mirror of Christ in the church; it is important to forgive when you can. This is a very tangible way to show Christ to others.

6. Be an Example

Finally, be an example. Let your actions speak louder than your words. Don't simply say you're sorry for something, but repent. Show the person you're willing to work on the relationship. Christ is constantly asking us to transform ourselves into his likeness. It may be difficult, but pruning, although painful, will transform us into Christ's likeness if we let it.

This is where the love languages come in again. Don't say you love someone; show them. Buy them flowers, make their favorite dinner, take them to their favorite movie, and spend time chatting with them. Whatever they need to feel loved, deposit in their love bank. Our emotions are like a bank. Once it's withdrawn, it's very difficult to get back. Many deposits must be made before the bank is full again. Put the work into your marriage and allow that person to trust you again. When trust is established, intimacy is once again achieved.

Your marriage can be the best relationship you have when you communicate effectively and prioritize loving one another. An intimate relationship with your spouse is key to a good relationship with God.

Although we are not perfect, marriage is one of the best ways we can show others Christ. Communication is hard but necessary work that, when done effectively, can make others feel more loved and appreciated than ever. Let's be the tangible witnesses of Christ by communicating well with our spouses so that our spouses can feel just as much love as they do from God.