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6 Steps That Will Save Your Marriage

  • Clayton and Ashlee Hurst Authors of Hope for Your Marriage
  • Updated Jan 29, 2018
6 Steps That Will Save Your Marriage

We’ve heard it said before that soul mates aren’t born, but created through the trenches of life.  Like most couples, as we approached our wedding day, we thought we were soul mates and completely prepared for marriage.  Our parents modeled great marriages to us and we just assumed that we would have the same.  During the first few years of marriage we began to realize we weren’t soul mates, and also feared we had made a terrible mistake in marrying each other.  As the arguments became more frequent and the unkind words started to cut deep, we slowly started our descent into a deep valley of hopelessness.  We didn’t purposely head that direction, but before long we were in over our heads and didn’t think there was a way out.

We reached the bottom of that valley around year five and realized that we had to begin making changes or we were going to have a miserable marriage.  For us, a series of small steps created the spark we needed to begin our journey out of the valley. 

The following are the 6 small steps that not only helped us get out of our valley, but also helped our relationship to thrive.

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  • 1. We answered a tough question.

    1. We answered a tough question.

    Are you willing to do whatever it takes to have the marriage you have always hoped and dreamed of?  This was the tough question we had to answer honestly as we found ourselves in this despairing valley.  Just like not preparing for a test in school, we had not fully prepared ourselves for what it took to have a successful marriage, and that lack of preparation resulted in failure. We had become roommates that didn’t really like each other, instead of a husband and wife that loved each other.  We had to come to a place of brokenness and humility before we were truly willing to do anything to save our marriage.  We started reading books on marriage and leaning on the help of others who had strong marriages.  It wasn’t always easy, but the more we laid down our pride and did whatever it took to get joy back into our relationship, we slowly started to see change.

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  • 2. We had a choice to make.

    2. We had a choice to make.

    Many people think of love as a feeling.  We have heard couples say before, “I just fell out of love with him/her.”  But love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13 that love is patient and kind. It does not envy or boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. This was not the kind of love we showed each other the first five years of our marriage.  The words used in 1 Corinthians 13 are all action words, but the love we showed was based on how we felt about each other.  However, when we began to put 1 Corinthians 13 into practice we began choosing to love each other in spite of the way we felt. 
    Regardless of what has happened in the past, you have a choice.  The choice is love in the way the Bible defines it.  When we respond in love, act in love, and correct in love, then we are taking steps to strengthen our marriage from the inside out.

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  • 3. We recognized our biggest needs.

    3. We recognized our biggest needs.

    We had such an ‘ah-ha’ moment in our marriage when we read through Ephesians 5.  The answer we needed was right there in black and white.  God shares what the greatest need of a man and woman are in the last verse of this chapter.  In verse 33 it says, ‘So again I say, each man should LOVE his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must RESPECT her husband.’ Every man’s #1 need is respect or honor from his wife.  Every woman’s #1 need is love or security.  This is the air that fills her lungs and gives her life. There will be times, in marriage, when we don’t deserve that love or respect.  However, we have made a choice to fill those needs in each other whether we deserve it or not.

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  • 4. We learned how to communicate effectively.

    4. We learned how to communicate effectively.

    The definition of communication is imparting or exchanging of information.  On the surface, a conversation with your spouse may seem as simple as speaking and listening.  However if you want to have effective communication in your marriage, there is so much more that comes into play.  The tone of your voice means a lot when you are dialoguing with your spouse about a topic.  The timing of your conversation plays a huge role as well.  We have learned that our words, timing, tone, and listening skills are all needed to have effective communication.  Our marriage has been saved by daily work on our communication skills.  One way we do this is by having a date night each week where we talk about everything that is going on in our lives.  We have realized how invaluable this time is with each other and it has helped us to become the soul mates we have always longed to be.

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  • 5. We chose to forgive and work through conflict.

    5. We chose to forgive and work through conflict.

    If you have been married any length of time, you have had some type of conflict, small or large  While there is no avoiding conflict in marriage, the important thing is how you respond.  When we would have conflict early in our marriage, it would take us days to resolve the issue.  We were both so set in our ways and neither one of us wanted to give any ground.  Our breakthrough came when we realized we were on the same team and that if we could just lay down our pride we could start heading in the same direction.  We began to enlarge our grace for each other and become quicker to forgive.  It was a small step that continues to make a drastic difference in our lives today.

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  • 6. We realized Jesus had to remain at the center of our marriage.

    6. We realized Jesus had to remain at the center of our marriage.

    From time to time we are asked, ‘What’s the secret to a successful marriage?’. The secret is simple.  To have a successful marriage, keep Jesus at the center of your personal life and your marriage.  This is a daily choice you make by spending time with Him each day.  We encourage you to pray and read the Bible so that He can continue to reveal Himself to you on a daily basis, and teach you how be a great spouse. 

    Finally, make it a point to pray together each day.  It doesn’t have to be long but just be consistent and let God do the rest.  If you do this, God will knit your hearts together with His and He will bring you and your spouse closer than ever before.  You will become the soul mates you have always longed to be.

    Clayton and Ashlee Hurst are the marriage and parenting pastors at Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas. Married for more than 20 years, Clayton and Ashlee share a passion to see God breathe life into every couple they encounter, strengthening and enriching their family. Their book, Hope for Your Marriage: Experience God’s Greatest Desires for You and Your Spouse( Emanate Books/Thomas Nelson)is available now. They are the parents of three children and live in the Houston area.

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