7 Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries with Family This Christmas

1. Choose to Keep it to Small Talk

To set healthy boundaries with family at Christmas, I keep it to small talk. If I go further than this, the difficult family members will have more opportunity to say something hurtful. Therefore, I try to keep it to the weather, how they are doing, and what they are up to. After these short questions, I normally float around to someone else who feels more comfortable.

Try this tactic this year and see if it helps. There are many family members who will try to push us to go further in the conversation or try to hit a nerve with us, but we always have the option to end the conversation with them. A simple "It was good to see you" is a sufficient way to end the conversation. Walk away and maintain your peace.

2. Sit at a Different Table Than Them

During most Christmas dinners, there are different tables. You can ask to be moved if your assigned seat is at the same table as the difficult family member. Better yet, if there are no assigned seats, you can choose where you want to sit on your own. Even if they migrate to your table, you can move to another. It is completely within your rights to leave and go to another table if they come to bother you.

Sometimes, tables are set up in a way that is appropriate for adults and children. Even though you are an adult, you can move to the children's table if this is what will make you more comfortable. It will also be much fun to catch up with your younger family members and see what they are up to. Ensure your Christmas is a fun time, and don't allow any difficult family members to take away your joy.

3. Return Evil with Blessing

The Apostle Peter tells us, "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing" (1 Peter 3:9). As Peter says here, we are not to return evil with evil or insult or insult. If we do this, we are not following the Lord. Instead, we are to return evil with blessing. This means if they hurt us with their words or actions, we don't retaliate.

We need to choose to be kind and return blessings upon their head. Now, I understand this can be extremely hard. It can be hard to be kind to someone who is extremely mean to us. This is something that I have been learning to work through in my own friendships and family relationships; however, it is possible because of Jesus. With the love and kindness He has shown us, we can show it to others.

Sometimes this might mean we need to forgive the difficult family member. If we are holding onto unforgiveness because of their past actions, we are only going to be doing ourselves a disservice. Rather than holding onto unforgiveness, we need to forgive as the Lord has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32). By doing this, we will be able to repay their evil with blessing. If we continue to hold onto unforgiveness, there will be no way we can truly follow God's commands.

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4. Be Intentional with Boundaries and Enforce Consequences

It will be impossible to live at peace with difficult family members this Christmas without setting boundaries. A few boundaries to set with difficult family members can be: don't go any further than small talk, I can only be around you for 15-20 minutes, and don't make any hurtful comments. This honestly can make the world of difference for your Christmas celebration. You don't owe anyone anything, and they have no right to disrespect your boundaries.

There will always be a few who will try to overstep your boundaries, but you must set them in place. This means there will have to be consequences for their actions. If they overstep your boundaries, you can say that you will be leaving early. If this family member truly cares about you, they will respect your boundaries. Sadly, there will be many who will not, and you might have to leave early from the event.

5. Modeling Jesus' Kindness

Similar to not repaying evil with evil, you also do not need to be mean back to them. Choose to be kind, no matter what. My mother had to do this often with her aunt. Her aunt was a very mean woman and was constantly torturing my grandmother. My mom tried her best to be kind, yet it was only by God's strength that she did not lose her cool. What my mom taught me, I also share with you: choose to be kind even if nobody else is.

By doing this, we will be modeling the Lord's kindness. Jesus' kindness is by far the most beautiful thing we could ever witness. His kindness does not change based on circumstances, and neither should ours. Being kind to our difficult family members will prove to be fruitful in our own Christian walk. It will help us grow in patience, maturity, and faith in the good Lord.

6. Find Solace in Other Family Members

Finding solace in other family members is also beneficial when trying to establish boundaries with difficult family members on Christmas. Rather than focusing our time on being stressed out, we need to find comfort in our other family members. We don't need to allow difficult family members to ruin our holiday. It is better to focus on the good things and to not allow difficult family members to cause us problems.

Unfortunately, there are many difficult people in this world that we will have to be around. The only thing we can do is to make the best of a bad situation. Sometimes, we will have a bad holiday celebration, but we must continue to extend love, compassion, and forgiveness. The Christian walk is hard because it is helping you grow, develop, and mature into the person God is molding you to become, yet as one could imagine, this is difficult and filled with road blocks.

7. Lean on God's Support

When you are at your wits end and you are overwhelmed with the thought of going to Christmas dinner, turn to God. In truth, we need to be going to God automatically. We don't need to see Him as a last resort. As soon as we are feeling fear, anxiety, or depression, we need to choose to lean on God. Go to Him in prayer and ask for His help. Be still before Him and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).

God will give you the strength you need to face the holiday. However, He might guide you to stay at home this Christmas. It could be that this situation is going to be too difficult to face at present. Allow God to direct your steps and rest in His peace. There is no shame in missing one or two Christmases.

It might even be beneficial to have your own Christmas celebration where you invite the family members who make you feel good. This can be held either before or after the main Christmas event. Your family members will understand when you tell them you are not up to coming this year. Remember that they love you and want the best for you.

They will be able to pray for you and ask for God's support in your life as well. Trust in God and allow Him to direct you. He is our good, good Father and He knows what is best for us. Continue to trust in Him and listen to His directions. These difficult family members do not have to destroy you. Instead, you can lean on God's support and listen to His guidance for what is best for your own well-being this Christmas as well as every other day.