7 Ways to Include Stepchildren in Christmas Traditions

1. Acknowledge the Change

"I feel bad for my kids and stepkids during the holidays," Amber, a stepmom, explained." They are shuffled between homes; they experience unfamiliar traditions and new family members around the table. I can tell it's stressful for them. I wish there was something I could do to make it easier." 

Amber is one smart stepmom. She recognizes the complexities the holidays can stir in a stepfamily; her desire to ease the strain is self-sacrificing and compassionate.

One big step Amber can take is to ask her stepkids what they like the most about the holidays, and what is one thing they wish they could change. This simple step reveals she acknowledges their situation and is willing to do things differently. 

2. The New and the Old

"When I was married to my child's mom, we always got a real tree," Brad stated. "But my new wife likes an artificial one. No matter which way I decide, someone is going to be angry." 

This is a common blended family occurrence during the holidays. Something became the norm for the previous family, whether it was a tree, food, or decoration. And now, when everyone is under one roof, the adults don't know what to do. 

In Brad's situation, there might be an easy answer. Have both trees. Often, putting a little tree in a child's bedroom, hallway, or family room where it can be decorated in any way he or she desires is a great compromise. The stepparent must be willing to allow ornaments, pictures, or "baby's first Christmas stockings" on the child's tree. This helps the child feel they can hold on to their biological family memories and embrace new ones with the blended family. 

3. Flexibility

If in the past the holiday has become stressful due to certain family members, or a former spouse, prepare a plan in case it happens again this year. 

Part of becoming a healthy, stable stepfamily is learning how to be flexible. If the struggle over having the kids on Christmas day becomes so intense that it ruins everyone's holiday, including the children, it might be advisable to celebrate with them on a different day. Yes, it's disappointing. However, the goal should be for your home to become the child's "safe place to fall." 

What if having a big dinner and gathering around the tree the day after Christmas would ease the child's stress? 

This is not a suggestion to become weak or a doormat with the former spouse. Rather it's how to choose peace, even if it means sacrifice, for the emotional sake of the children.

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4. Fresh Fun

A great way to build relationships in a stepfamily is to start something totally new that both families have never done before. It can be a movie night, a cookie creation, driving to see lights, getting matching pajamas, visiting a new city (if the court order allows), serving at a food bank, etc. Allow the kids to offer suggestions. Anything that allows the kids to participate in community service can really help to destress the mood. If the kids love animals, offer to help at a local shelter together. If they are into sports, everybody goes to a game that has never been attended before. 

The key is to make it new for BOTH sides of the blend. If only one side of the blend gets to do what they like all the time, it will backfire. Teaching a compromise is crucial.

5. Far Away Kids

If the child doesn't live nearby and is traveling to see mom or dad for the holiday, and they rarely spend time together, its vitally important that they get alone time. As people become more transient this is a common occurrence. The goal for this blended family shouldn't be attempting to get the child to embrace new stepsiblings. It should be to show the child they, too, belong in the family. The biological parent holds the connection and bond. Pushing the child with words such as "These are now your siblings. You need to love them immediately" will not work. 

The child will view the step-siblings and half-siblings as the ones getting "custody" of their mom or dad. It's a delicate balance. 

6. Early Communication

The sooner the two biological parents discuss the logistics, the better it is for everyone. Each biological parent needs to have a discussion with the former spouse. It is best if the stepparent stays out of the conversation unless all three (ex, parent, and stepparent) agree that it works for everyone. A calm chat reviewing visitation times, dates, travel, etc. is crucial. Sometimes, a court order outlining a visitation schedule helps to guide the discussion. 

The children should not enter the discussion unless the child's input is required or advantageous for both homes. Communication between two mature parents who care more about the welfare of the children than they do, "winning the day," is the goal. 

Waiting until the holiday arrives creates more tension as the children are uncertain about where they will wake up on Christmas morning.

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7. Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing

The goal for the holidays should not be focused on a price tag or the number of gifts received. Memories of a calm home filled with respect, compromise, and tranquility are the goal. The parent and stepparent can set the tone by creating a warm atmosphere where all the children know they are welcome and loved. 

Carve out time to discuss why we celebrate Christmas. I always waited until Christmas Eve to put baby Jesus in the manger. It was a visual the kids could remember. I made a birthday cake, and we sang Happy Birthday to Him on Christmas day. As they got older, they thought it was hokey, but that's okay. Now, as adults, they still laugh about it. 

It created a memory. A NEW tradition that bonded us together.