9 Steps to Grow a Healthy Relationship with Adult Children

1. Nurture what lies in our control and forget the rest.

As moms, we’d do ourselves a favor if we’d let go of what we can’t fix, change, or reverse. That’s God’s job. This is when it becomes a tremendous blessing to do what we can do and leave the results with God. 

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2. Take responsibility for our power of influence.

Though our time with children under the roof may be over, our influence is not. We can seek God’s counsel in how to be “wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.” (Matt. 10:16) Our attitude, words, and behavior make a difference for a lifetime. 

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3. Create a positive environment.

This requires a climate where we let our children make their own choices and likewise, handle the consequences. We respect their independence and listen more than we speak. Restraint is now the elusive virtue required, where we are careful not to give too much unwelcomed advice or ask too many unsolicited questions.

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4. Consider the child's feelings over our own needs.

Some mothers find themselves needing the child to reaffirm their own worth. When we expect our children to fill our empty void, we create a chasm and set up resentfulness that is not the child’s baggage to carry. If Christ doesn’t fill our emptiness, we’re in trouble at the core of our very soul.

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5. Recognize and respect the differences.

Remember, you raised distinct individuals not duplicates of you. Celebrate your children’s strengths and let go of expectations where they don’t fit into your mold. God created them uniquely, and with His plan in mind. Always extend unconditional love. And above all, don’t be critical.

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6. Be quick to admit your mistakes.

If you’re a perfect mom, then this advice will not apply to you. And if you are that perfect mom, I can assure you your kids don’t think so. We all make mistakes, yet nothing erases their hurt more than us being willing to humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness. 

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7. Accept who your child marries.

But what if you don’t approve of that person? The quickest way to lose an adult child’s favor is to reject the one they married. It’s their choice, their life. Let them live it. Your role is to be a supporter, sound board of advice if they ask, and silent prayer warrior. They will have enough marriage difficulties without you being one of them.

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8. Never give up when discouraged.

Disappointment in our lives is not so much about the other person or circumstance as it is about what God wants to do in us. It drives us to need the Father above our own comfort. It’s good to remember that only with God is true restoration possible. We always have hope. Mark 10:27 tells us, “With God all things are possible.”

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9. Pray without ceasing.

Prayer. It’s the greatest navigation tool we possess. To pray without ceasing is to know that even though we are not consciously speaking to God, we have a deep, abiding dependence on Him that is woven into the very essence of our faith. And though our children might go their own way, they are defenseless against our prayers. 

Pam Kanaly, selected as National Mother of Achievement – 2015 - in Washington, DC, and best-selling author of The Single Mom and Her Rollercoaster Emotions, remains one of the nation’s leading advocates for single mothers. She is the co-founder of the national organization Arise Ministries bringing encouragement to single mothers worldwide through their online education center: EQUIP. Pam is a favorite in Oklahoma having been nominated by the Governor for Oklahoma Mother Making a Difference. Pam and her husband Rich reside in Edmond, Oklahoma. Visit ariseministries.net and download the FREE Arise Ministries app.

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