9 Things Your Wife Hates about Church

1. She wants to participate fully in worship, but feels like she can't.

There’s nothing more depressing than getting lost in worship, only to discover that a spouse is staring stone cold, hands-in-his-pockets uninspired, toward the stage. It feels like a screeching halt to a beautiful melody. 

Husbands, whether you’re worried that your singing is worse than a cat yowling from an alleyway, or you’re just the deep-thinking type, we’re sensitive to how you respond during worship. Wives long to connect with you in these moments. 

Chances are good that if you’re not participating, we won’t either. If you’re not the hand raising, swaying, or clapping type, it’s no problem. Putting an arm around us or holding our hand to show that you care is just fine. 

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2. She feels pressured to be someone she's not.

Many of us don’t cook as well as we’d like, sew, or feel called to homeschool. Many wives don’t flourish in situations that require massive amounts of patience and prayer when left alone with tiny humans either. We owe serious “thank you’s” to the women who do, but it’s okay that not all of us fall into those categories. Whether we mean to our not, Christian women are stereotyped.

Church can get cliquey based on the types of interests and skills that we publicly applaud. Wives would feel accepted, and more likely to engage in church life, if they could simply be themselves. Pushing us into preconceived notions of wife and motherhood is a dead end road for everybody involved, because it’s a missed opportunity to unleash unique creativity within the congregation.

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3. Is it often assumed that she will serve in the nursery.

In church, it’s assumed that any woman worth her mint is fantastic at caring for kids. Are we technically wired for it? Sure. But it doesn’t mean that God placed the desire or the call on our lives to minister to children 24/7. Our husbands don’t always understand it either.

We promise, there’s nothing wrong with us. We’re just not sure where we fit in sometimes. In the outside world, there are professional meet-ups, athletic and social clubs, conferences, and all sorts of volunteer opportunities that involve more than kids activities. We love our churches and want to be involved! So, please help us find a way to use our unique talents to serve both God and the body of Christ.

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4. She gets put on the spot.

We know that moment, the one where the pastor says from stage, “Take a few minutes to get to know somebody sitting near you.” For the next 240 seconds (because we counted), we sweat through introductory small talk, hoping that our awkwardness wasn’t as visible on the outside as we felt on the inside. Sometimes wives need our husbands to intervene and to be sensitive to how we’re feeling.

Shaking a neighbor’s hand, raising an arm to let you know that we’re visitors, and volunteering us for activities without asking can make us want to head for the hills. Not all women are as spontaneous as others, and embarrassment is a real problem for those of us who are introverted. Please don’t force us into awkward situations. We’ll come around, even if we’re a little slow to warm up.

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5. She gets frustrated on committees.

Making changes to normal procedure can feel like maneuvering an enormous, barely-moving vessel through iceberg-infested waters. Thoughtful, prayer-filled approaches are necessary; however, some of our churches are simply stuck in their old ways. The same people lead the same activities, at the same time each year… because it’s always been done that way.

Guys, your wives are dying slow and painful deaths within the confines of church committee bureaucracy. When ministry goes stale, serving can feel like an obligatory country club dinner party. When we lament to you behind closed doors, please don’t try to fix the situation or tell us to give up. Instead, trust our sense that God has us there for a reason and help us to explore creative solutions to the problem.

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6. She wishes that women's ministry could be more carefree and fun.

Wives wear many hats, and most of them are of the “get-things-done” variety. When pressed to choose between responsibilities and free time, most of us will choose responsibilities. We love our husbands, our families, and the church, and because of this, we’ll sacrifice personal enjoyment for the greater good. In the back of our minds though, there may be some envy brewing…

When we find out that the church is planning a guy’s night out at the racetrack or a fishing excursion, we wonder why the ladies aren’t having more fun. Women’s gatherings are often organized around deeply spiritual topics, family issues, and Bible studies. Those activities are fantastic and important, but sometimes we want to bounce at the trampoline park too!

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7. She gets questioned when her spouse is missing.

There are unspoken judgments that women perceive when we show up to church without a spouse. Unequally yoked. Trouble in paradise. An uncaring husband. We’re pitied (on occasion) and questioned (a lot of the time). It happens enough to make us want to rush past the greeters and social interaction, to head straight for the respite of our seat. 

We love that you care enough to ask us about our lives, but sometimes the questions are reminders of our loneliness. We’re keenly aware that we’re left out of certain types of ministry and we feel put on the spot to make excuses for our partners’ absence. We know in our heads that we can’t be responsible for our husband’s relationship with God, but our hearts often miss the memo.

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8. She would like to hear a woman's perspective.

Regardless of where each church stands on women in leadership, there’s a sadness wives report that their counterparts can’t fully understand. Women want to hear stories from a feminine point of view, along with men’s perspectives. We’d enjoy hearing quotes from our favorite female authors, and to otherwise feel included.

We know that the church cares about our hearts and souls, and we’d love for our minds to be valued as well. Women sat at the feet of Jesus and they proclaimed His name alongside men throughout the gospel. God speaks to us all the time, but much less often are we asked to share the lessons He’s taught us.

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9. She's rushed. All the time, rushed.

Leave the house, enter the lobby, drop off the kids, and go to our seats. Sing. Pray. Listen. Sing. Pray. Pick up kids at the top of the hour.

Church services these days are often choreographed within an inch of their strobe-lit, beat-driven lives. It’s never long enough, because for many wives, Sunday morning is the one day each week we’re promised a spiritual respite.

We love gathering together each week. We need Holy Spirit like we need air and we need you too, husbands. Please help us to make sure we get there with time to spare, just so we’ll have time to take a breath before it’s over.

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A Prayer for Strong Marriages in the Church

Father God, thank you for the opportunity to understand one another as husbands and wives within the body of Christ. We pray that You will continue to bring us closer together as we learn, serve, and raise our families in Your house. Help us to love and respect one another as we would ourselves, and may everything we do bring honor to You. In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.

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