There are many avenues you can turn to find marital advice. As I have thought about my time being married and learning from other couples, I considered some advice I’ve heard over the years.
While narrowing those down to a list is challenging, I pulled out 10 of the best pieces of marital advice I have ever heard. With any list of this kind, there will be pieces of marital advice that won’t make this list. But it will give you a good start.
After reading this list, if there is something you think should have made it, then it's okay to let me know. Don’t worry, I won’t take it personally.
1. Without communication, your relationship won’t work
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Perhaps the most important element of your marital relationship is communication. While we often think of communication as what we say, and that is a big part of it, sometimes the key to a successful marriage is learning to understand what your spouse is not saying. Nonverbal communication can be equally, if not more important, than verbal communication. Sometimes, my wife and I are conversing, and her words, facial expressions, and body language do not agree. In those moments, the nonverbal reveals what she really is feeling or wants to say.
To accomplish this level of communication, you must listen and pay attention. This means there will be times when you must stop what you are doing to focus on what your spouse is saying or not saying. That may mean putting the phone down, turning the television off, and giving them your full attention. When you do, not only will you be able to listen. You will remind them how much what they have to say or not say matters.
There are many issues you will face in the world. Issues at work, in the community, in church, with the kids, and the list goes on and on. While there may be chaos around you, it should not transfer into your home. It’s one thing to deal with chaos outside the home. It’s entirely different to have to deal with that inside your home. Your home should be where you know you can escape and find relief, refreshment, and recharge from the world around you.
The Bible refers to God as our place of refuge. This means we run to him and turn to him when the issues of life overwhelm us. In this place of refuge, we can pour out our emotions, thoughts, fears, and even our tears, and we know our God will embrace them all because his presence is a safe place. As a married couple, your home should be an extension of that refuge. You should be free to bring all your fears, anxieties, frustrations, joys, and concerns, and know you have a marriage partner who will embrace you through them all.
At work, I spend time traveling and being away from home. Invariably, at some point in my travels, I start missing home. It is so good to have that longing for home and for a wife and family that longs for me, too. Make sure your home is the kind of place that you always look forward to coming home to.
When you think of being a supporter, I am not saying you just rubber stamp everything your spouse wants to do. As their greatest supporter, you are their greatest defender, cheerleader, sounding board, and critic. One goal of being with each other is to improve each other; being a supporter will help us achieve that. It is helpful to know you have a spouse who will tell you the truth no matter what because every idea, thought, or thing you do is not the greatest thing in the world. (They may have been when you first started dating, but then reality set in.)
When your spouse knows you have their back and are their greatest cheerleader, that also allows you to be their greatest critic. Give praise when it is warranted. Provide constructive critique when it is warranted. Remember, you are building a life together, and that support will be necessary to help each other become the people God has called you to be.
There is no such thing as a perfect marriage or spouse—we all know that. However, that does not mean you must expose your spouse’s flaws or shortcomings to the world. In public settings, you should praise your spouse. I am not saying it is superficial, but there is no need to air your spouse's dirty laundry. When critique is warranted, then do that behind closed doors. Remember, you are your spouse’s greatest supporter, and you always want to present them in their best light.
Let me add one caveat here to this piece of advice. If your spouse is being unfaithful, abusive, or breaking the law, I am not saying cover for their behavior. In those situations, you need to seek help from a trusted leader or friend who can help you navigate that situation.
When we think about marriage, we often think of the iconic idea of falling in love. I would add something to that. Make sure you fall in like, too. As much as you may love a person, do you like being around them? There are people in my life who I love, but I don’t enjoy being around them. Those are the people you love from a distance. That may work with some family and friends, but that won’t work in marriage.
Liking each other comes from spending time together, finding mutual interests, and exploring new things together. You can show your liking for each other in many ways. Just make sure you genuinely like being with each other. It won’t make your marriage perfect, but it will make it more enjoyable.
When you got married, you brought two different family situations together. Some families have long-standing family traditions. Before you were married, maybe you took part in them with little thought. Once you are married, you may rethink them and realize it is time to start your traditions. I am not saying you forego every family tradition, but recognize that you must build your own.
Should you decide to do this, you may get some immediate pushback. The phone calls or texts may come the first time you don’t attend the annual family picnic or decide to go on your own vacation without everyone else. However, this is often necessary for keeping a healthy balance between your household and your extended family relationships.
Remember, at some point, your parents or grandparents thought it would be a good idea for the family to do this activity together. At that moment, they started a tradition. As a married couple, you can do the same thing and shouldn’t be afraid to exercise that right.
7. Don’t think you are going to change your spouse
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Some people foolishly believe they can change their spouse. Even crazier is the person who believes they will change them once they marry the person. Trust me, you won’t. When you marry someone, you must decide if their behavior, attitude, or “thing” is something you are willing to live with because chances are it is not going anywhere.
When I first started dating my wife, it was the fall season. I told her I did two things on Sundays: I went to church and I watched football. On our first date, we went out to eat, and I purposely sat in the seat where I could see the game just in case the date didn’t work out. We have been happily married for 12 years, so I think it has worked out.
After we married, she would want to plan things on Sundays in the fall, which I often complained about until it finally clicked. She realized I like going to church and watching football on Sundays in the fall. Now, if it is a Sunday outside of football season, we can do things after church, but once fall comes, it’s church and football.
I share this with you to not be dogmatic and make a declarative statement like, “This is who I am! Don’t try to change me.” I am saying expect the person you see before you get married to be the same person after you get married. Suppose they change for the better. Fantastic! Just don’t go into the marriage thinking you will change them. That idea will leave you sorely frustrated and highly disappointed.
Laughter is such an important part of a healthy marriage. Laughing at life together can bring healing and bond you together. One thing my wife and I laugh at a lot is culture. Because we grew up in two different countries, there are differences in the customs we experienced. There are language differences, even though we are both from English-speaking countries. Sometimes, the same word in our countries has two completely different meanings, some of which are hilariously different.
Yes, there are times to be serious, but learning to laugh, even at yourself and sometimes at each other, can help make your home a sanctuary.
While marriage is joining two lives into one, it does not mean that your individual self gets lost in the process.
While sharing common interests is nice, you don’t have to share every interest. It is okay to do some things together and perfectly okay to do some things apart. Sometimes, giving your spouse space to rest, think, or even pursue things they enjoy is perfectly okay.
One benefit of doing this is it gives you something else to discuss when you get back together after your time doing individual things.
10. Drawing closer to God will help you draw closer to each other
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The last piece of advice I received was to use a triangle. God was at the top of the triangle, and my wife and I were at each base of the triangle. As we both moved toward God, we also moved toward each other.
When you and your spouse share a common spiritual bond, that helps build your relationship. Being able to pray together, worship together, and even read and study scripture together are all things that draw you closer to each other.
That’s why when you marry someone, make sure they desire to pursue God with the same passion that you have. When you do, it will help your marriage tremendously.
Clarence L. Haynes Jr. is a speaker, Bible teacher, and co-founder of The Bible Study Club. He is the author of The Pursuit of Purposewhich will help you understand how God leads you into his will. His most recent book isThe Pursuit of Victory: How To Conquer Your Greatest Challenges and Win In Your Christian Life.This book will teach you how to put the pieces together so you can live a victorious Christian life and finally become the man or woman of God that you truly desire to be. Clarence is also committed to helping 10,000 people learn how to study the Bible and has just released his first Bible study course called Bible Study Basics. To learn more about his ministry please visit clarencehaynes.com.
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