8 Healthy Ways for Christians to Navigate the Challenges of Grieving

You may be finding it difficult to move on because you’ve been told that “death is a natural part of life” and you should “grieve and get over it.” But there is nothing natural about death when it comes to God’s design and intention for us. God created us to live forever on this earth in pure fellowship with Him and those around us. You and I were never meant to experience physical death ourselves, nor the pain of separation from those who leave this earth before us. Yet sin from our ancestors, Adam and Eve, led to spiritual death (separation from God) and physical death (the ultimate end of a body affected by sin and disease), according to Genesis 3 and Romans 3:23. Thus, death is not a natural, God-intended part of life. But grieving death is. Even for a believer.

In Christ, we have a living hope that death in this world is not the very end, but the beginning of an eternal physical presence with our Savior in heaven and with other believers who have died before us (Romans 6:23). But there is still a sting of losing others to death that may remain all our lives here on earth because we weren’t created to ever be separated from those we love.

You may also have a hard time grieving the loss of your loved one because, in this country, we don’t really understand the grieving process nor typically take the time to experience it as people do in other cultures. In addition, our belief in Jesus’ resurrection also convinces us that death won’t sting because they’re in heaven, so if we’re still grieving, we probably don’t have our theology right, or we’re not close to Jesus. But even when we know and love Jesus—and are convinced our loved ones were saved by Jesus’ death on the cross and resurrection as well—death still hurts. And grief still happens. Know that it’s okay to be angry at death and feel it is the most unnatural thing that can happen.

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Something within us says “Don’t cry in front of people.” Why? We don’t want our noses to run and our faces to become slobbery in front of others? We feel we might make someone else uncomfortable with our display of emotion? Every time someone has cried in front of me it has told me they are allowing themselves to be vulnerable with me, they trust me, and I always encourage them by saying, “Don’t apologize. Tears are cleansing to the soul.”

Don’t be afraid to let your emotions rise up and spill out. If you keep pushing them down, thinking you’ll grieve later when it’s more appropriate or comfortable for you, a tsunami of grief may topple you one day when you least expect it. Embrace the pain in the moment, let the waves of grief roll over you like the ocean surf. Cry through it, and realize that’s another step you’ve taken on the long road of grieving. And remember, Jesus is there. He understands the pain we experience when we are separated from a loved one through death.

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God has told us in His Word that He will never leave us nor desert us (Hebrews 13:5). And we learn from the story of Lazarus’ death in John 11:1-44, that Jesus knows the pain we feel here on earth when we are separated by death from our loved ones. I believe when Jesus cried after Lazarus’ death, it wasn’t because Lazarus had indeed died. As the Son of God, Jesus knew Lazarus would be raised there in front of his sisters and onlookers. I believe Jesus was grieving at what death does to us, at the pain He saw His close friends Mary and Martha endure as they were reckoning with a life that doesn’t last eternally on earth. I believe Jesus was grieving with all of His creations who now grieve when they are separated from loved ones because of the curse of sin and death that we inherited long ago when our ancestors sinned in the garden of Eden, introducing death into the human race.

I have found it helpful to pour out my heart to God in the moment by saying aloud: “God, this hurts. This isn’t right. I shouldn’t have to deal with this loss, and that’s why You came and died and redeemed me. Thank You for providing a way for me to see Mom again one day, and for giving me the assurance in Your Word that I will never ever be separated from You.”

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Philippians 4:6-7 tells us not to be anxious about anything, but to instead pray about everything while thanking God for what He is allowing. And when we do, “the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” That peace passes all understanding because it’s from God. Only God can provide peace in the midst of suffering or pain. His peace comes as a promise following our trust and our surrender (through prayer) of all our hearts are concerned about or hurting over. 

Telling Jesus about my struggle with the death of a parent has increased my awareness of His presence and brought me closer to Him. Through the loss of my mom, I’ve gained a closer connection with my Savior, who continues to minister to my heart through the peace He constantly provides. Experience His peace powerfully at this time by pouring out your heart to Him in prayer.

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If you have lost a family member, you may have quickly learned that not everyone in your family processes grief in the same way or at the same time. Some relatives or siblings may appear to not be grieving at all. When we extend grace to ourselves, and others, we can lessen the hurt, expectation, and disappointment that might otherwise cause problems among family members. I am a verbal processor and have had to talk through how I have felt, what I experienced, and how it tore my heart open to be there with Mom at the end. My other siblings aren’t necessarily wired the same way. They tend to grieve more quietly. One of my brothers is a strategist. He planned and took care of the many details of our mother’s burial, her memorial service, and her estate. While it appeared to us that he wasn’t “feeling” the loss as we were, he was processing it in his own way and timing. He later told us, after all the tasks were completed, that he continued to feel a low level of anxiety and stress that he felt couldn’t be resolved. He also started becoming sick more often. When stress (or grief) has nowhere to go, it stays in our bodies and can wreak havoc on our health. 

Let the stress go by grieving the loss and letting others grieve in their own way and timing. It helps, too, when we know that God understands the differences and details of our unique experiences and personalities, as well as how each of us needs to grieve.

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Rather than immediately focusing on the thoughts that my mom was in heaven and all was good, and I could move on, I chose to grieve through the loss and grow through what was happening in my heart and soul. God is intimately acquainted with every detail of our hearts (Psalm 139:1-6), and therefore, every experience and painful event is an opportunity to grow closer to Him and learn more of His ways. Tell God exactly how you feel. He knows it anyway, but it may help you to verbalize it, release it to Him, and feel the grief come out of you so it’s not continually bottled up inside. Once you grieve through it, you can grow through it.

I learned that many believers don’t feel confident in expressing compassion toward others who are grieving. They tend to say nothing, rather than risk saying the wrong thing. Yet, simply listening, being understanding, and offering to be there when you’re needed is sometimes the best thing you can do to let someone know you care about them and are feeling their loss too. And being gracious toward others who don’t know what to say - or who say things that don’t come across well - teaches us what to say (or not to say) to others when they experience a similar loss. I discovered that I can now express heartfelt words to others in their loss by using some of the same heartfelt words that were expressed to me that particularly ministered to my heart.

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One of the blessings of losing my mom is that I now anticipate heaven like never before. Not just because I will see her there one day, but because I have learned it is far more glorious than I ever imagined. While pastors may rarely preach on the “new heaven and earth” today (Revelation 21), Scripture has much to say about what awaits those of us after death who are trusting in Jesus alone for our salvation. Randy Alcorn’s book, Heaven, and his series of novels on Heaven (Deadline, Dominion, and Deception, which are based on scriptural references and biblical insights) can change our thinking when it comes to our impending death and the death of those we love. The more we know of what awaits us, the less we have to fear. And because of an increasing awareness of the biblical truths surrounding life after death, my grief is turning to a deeper gratitude and greater anticipation for what God has prepared for us when our temporal life on this earth is over.

Scripture makes it clear that if you and the loved ones you have lost are in Christ Jesus, there is a grand reunion that awaits you when your Savior calls you home. That is the eternal hope that eases the temporary sting. That is the saving power of Christ’s resurrection that can’t keep anyone in the grave. That is the abundant joy you can one day experience when Christ makes all things new, rights every wrong, heals every disease, and raises the redeemed to life.

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If you aren’t feeling the joy just yet that your loved one is with Jesus, don’t despair. Sometimes our hearts and minds can’t transition to thoughts of heaven as instantaneously as the souls who are in Christ can arrive there. Scripture says that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Corinthians 5:8). But trauma from watching a loved one die or dealing with the loss of their presence can sometimes delay or dampen the feelings of joy that come from knowing they’re with the Lord. Grief still stings while we remain in the place where all wrongs have not yet been made right, and where all disease has not yet been cured. Yet your glorious home awaits. And so does your Savior, with open arms to comfort you when you need to be assured that He is familiar with every memory, every hurt, every unhealed wound, every regret. He has seen every tear, even those that haven’t yet fallen. He is intimately acquainted with all your ways (Psalm 139:3), and His comfort and peace are available to you at every moment.

Be comforted by knowing that Jesus understands and is ready to guide your thought process, your focus, and your heart’s priorities as you yield to His direction and best for your life. Let Him be there for you and know that, through your grief and longing for your loved one, He can help you gain a stronger desire for heaven—and for Him.

For more help through your grief and loss, see Cindi’s book, When God Sees Your Tears.

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