How to Establish Healthy Boundaries in Friendship

Boundaries can be, at times, a foreign concept for others, and to them they seem a partition wall, something to separate. In reality, boundaries are safeguards that define what is appropriate and what is not within a relationship. This is not to say that every boundary line set is healthy, but the ones instituted through prayer, wise counsel, and consideration for all involved. 

Lysa Terkeurst phrases it as, “Healthy relationships don’t feel threatening. Loving relationships don’t feel cruel. Secure relationships don’t feel as if everything could implode if you dared to draw a boundary.” (TerKeurst, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes). 

Boundaries offer love in many ways by saying that you love the other person, the other people in your life, and yourself so much that you want to have the best potential for interacting with them. It may be wise to step back to observe the relationship and pray to the Lord for His revelations on how to navigate forward and to know if something is beneficial.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/jeffbergen

Relationships rarely start out unhealthy, but they can grow dysfunctional over time. There are several variants, but most are rooted in fear or control. The other person is operating in an intense fear of losing you, losing what you can do or provide for them. This fear often cultivates codependency, gaslighting, or manipulation to keep things in a place where their fears are held at bay. 

Control is more than someone trying to make you do certain things or telling you how to operate; it is also overstepping a role. Control can also manifest in seeking to define another person based on their perceptions, which is toxic and, at times, abusive territory. 

Lysa Terkeurst phrases it as, “If our identity, the foundational belief we hold of who we are, is tied to an opinion someone has of us, we need to reassess. We must be honest about how much access to our hearts we’ve given to this person. It’s not bad to give someone access to our heart, but when we give an unhealthy person too much access, it can shake us to our core. When their opinion of us starts to affect how we see ourselves, we can lose sight of the best parts of who we are because we get entangled in the exhausting pursuit of trying to keep that relationship intact no matter the cost.” (Terkeurst, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes). 

In many ways, such relationships lend themselves to idolatry, for you are placing that person’s opinions above those of anyone else, even God. Every relationship can have moments of being unhealthy, but an ongoing sickness needs to be addressed.

Photo Credit: © Getty Images/fizkes

Imagine your life is a table at a restaurant. There are seats around the table, people with specific roles in your life. If a friend seeks to steal another’s seat or occupy more space than they ought to at the table, it may be time to reconsider whether that person should be at the table. 

This is why it is vital to invite the Lord to be the head of your table and the loudest voice in your life. For those who are married, there may arise the temptation for a friend to speak more prevalently into a situation, or for that friend to become a greater emotional support than a spouse. 

That is incorrect in alignment with what God desires for a marriage covenant He has ordained. It is imperative to take such things back to God and ask Him to reveal by conviction or by His Word what the correct order of things should be so that all may align with His Will.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Shironosov

Don't immediately pull the eject button if a boundary has been breached in a friendship. First and foremost, bring the circumstances to the Lord and ask Him for His wisdom regarding all parties and all things. 

James 1:5 shares, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” 

Also, ask the Lord for the correct timing to bring forward the issue and in what way. Be mindful not to be accusatory, but seek peace and growth for all involved. 

Colossians 4:6 reminds us to, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” 

Lastly, place true value on yourself. You are not a doormat or someone who does not deserve respect. You can forgive someone and make the choice not to allow certain behaviors in your life at the same time. Speaking up for yourself can be done in a way that is considerate, not condemning to the other person, but upholds your value and worth. 

Matthew 18:15-16 encourages us to approach it in such a way, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” 

You may find that other godly counsel needs to step in as well in the matter, but handle all things in such a way that honors God most, those involved, and upholds your values on the boundary as a whole. 

Fellowship and friendship are truly beautiful parts of our life here on earth, but anything in a fallen world can sometimes miss the mark. Knowing that not all mistakes are a death sentence for a relationship, but also knowing at times the best way forward is a surrendered goodbye, leads us ever more in need of wisdom. God will help you understand what to do, how to do it, and when, but you must seek Him to allow Him to speak. Know that He will sometimes enable these circumstances so that you may grow or not be held back in your calling. 

What we often count as a great tragedy can be a remarkable trajectory into your next season of life. There are also places where healing can come forward to leave all those involved with humility, of how God can restore something better than it was before. Whatever the case, let Him be the guide and set the pace. Know that He knows what is best for all those concerned, and He is worthy of your trust.

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/urbazon