“Laura, Mother’s Day is extremely hard for me” the velvety, timid voice explained. “When May 1st rolls around, I start to get depressed and anxious. Would it be okay if I just stay home and binge watch Netflix while eating nachos the entire day?”
“Sweet Sister, if that’s what works for you—do it,” I replied.
This precious woman isn’t alone. For many years I dreaded Mother’s Day, too.
Many stepmoms struggle with the Sunday designated to honor motherhood. The triggers are unique for woman, like me, who married a man who already had children from a previous relationship.
For stepmoms, especially those who have biological children, Mother’s Day can be full of great memories and fun times. But for other stepmoms, especially those who are childless, the day can be extremely awkward, perplexing, disappointing and/or depressing.
Stepmoms have a role that functions and appears the same as a mom, and might be mom-like, but it’s vastly different.
I asked stepmoms to share with me the deeper reasons why it might be a hard day, and what would make it easier.
Here is what they shared.
- I do a lot for my husband’s children. I think they should acknowledge me for my hard work.
- I’m an outsider. They don’t view me as part of the family. And no matter how hard I try it’s not changing.
- Their mother won’t allow them to acknowledge me. And they believe I’m a bad person.
- My husband doesn’t recognize, or honor me as a mother figure in the home, so why would his kids?
- I don’t expect them to view me as mom, but they should do something.
- When the mom walked out, I stepped in. But they don’t view it that way.
Do you hear the rejection, pain, loneliness, anger, and resentment?
It hurts.
And then there are women like me. I don’t have biological children. I am not a mom. My stepkids have a mom, it is not me. I don’t like people telling me I am a mom on Mother’s Day. I realize they do it to include me in the circle, and I appreciate the compassion.
I understand because I remember being a child with stepparents. And it put extreme stress on me when holidays rolled around. I’m a people pleaser. I felt as if someone was always mad at me for either acknowledging—or ignoring—them on a holiday. The only person who didn’t place a burden on me was my stepdad. He always said, “Your father is your dad. He comes first.” Whew. What a relief.
Dads often desire for a remarriage to recreate a new united family. They are often devastated, or angry, when that natural bond between their kids and the new wife doesn’t occur. Their motive is right; however, the method often doesn’t always produce the desired outcome.
Here are practical tips for stepfamilies.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/fizkes
Change the Perspective
Change the Perspective
1. Change the perspective. This day should be about your husband honoring YOU for being in a maternal role to his kids. You aren’t his mom, but you are assisting him with to be a good father.
2. Prepare Beforehand. Do not wait until Sunday morning to discuss the day’s activities with your spouse or fiancé. Share with him your desires for the day.
3. Connect the Dots for Him. For the first few years of our marriage, I expected Steve to “know” that I wanted him to honor me on Mother’s Day. Big mistake. He needed me to explain it to him. If your husband refuses to hear this, or doesn’t feel you deserve to be honored, then you have a marriage problem not a Mother’s Day problem.
4. Lower Your Expectations. This can be hard. I never expected Steve’s kids to honor me because they have a mom. To the child it might feel as if they are being disloyal to their mother if they honor the stepmother. This day is not about the kids honoring the stepmom, unless they desire to do that on their own.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/DMEPhotography
Have a Plan
Have a Plan
5. The School Made Gift. It’s not uncommon for younger kids to make mom a present at school. This can be painful if the child shows or tells you about it, not realizing it might be hurtful. Due to the increasing number of blended families, some schools understand a potential need for more than one gift. Unfortunately, the Church hasn’t recognized this yet. When the child doesn’t make a gift for the stepmom, it usually isn’t intentional. The child isn’t purposely shunning the stepmom.
6. Have a Plan. If the husband is unavailable, or unwilling, then stepmom should plan something fun for herself. Gathering with a few girlfriends is often a great way to destress. Go to a movie, shopping, visit a botanical garden, do something that will allow you to relax and enjoy the day.
7. Grieve. It’s ok to be sad on Mother’s Day. Go ahead and cry, God understands. The stepmom may be grieving the death of the dream of what she thought stepmom life would become. Be prayerful to resist the temptation of letting the pain brew into resentment, anger, and revenge.
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/alexawilliams
Resist the Urge to Dwell on What You Don’t Have
Resist the Urge to Dwell on What You Don’t Have
8. Resist the Urge to Dwell on What You Don’t Have. If your stepkids do not feel in a position, or a desire, to honor you on Mother’s Day, let it go. Children in stepfamilies are grieving too. They feel loyal to their mom, even if she is dead.
9. Honor A Mom. Is there someone who will be alone, or lonely, on Mother’s Day? Perhaps a single parent, a daughter who just lost her mom, a woman who can’t get pregnant, an elderly lady, etc. This person might need help. And a stepmom might be the perfect person to help her through the day. God always provides an opportunity to help others if we seek it. And this is often how He heals our pain.
10. Honor THE Mom? Many stepmoms ask me if they should do something for the stepchild’s mother. Children desperately desire for their parents and stepparents to live in harmony. If giving a gift to mom as a gesture that might ease tension between the homes, go ahead. Do not expect a thank you, or a gift in return. It must be done sacrificially as a reflection of Jesus and an act of kindness to express the love of God. If done for any other reason, you may be disappointed.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/damircudic
Help the Child
Help the Child
11. Help the Child. This step moves us into a Jesus type of love. It requires a surrender of self, and a deep desire to show how Christ deeply loves us. Choosing to help your stepchild buy a gift for the mom might build a bridge. It also shows the child that you are allowing them to love the other parent.
12. Unselfie. This one is going to sting, and I’m going to get nasty responses, but I must do it. It’s wise to refrain from guilting or badgering your husband into making his kids honor you on Mother’s Day. The child must be the one to initiate gifts. Kids are fiercely loyal to a parent, even if he/she isn’t a good parent. When dad manipulates or guilts his kids into honoring a stepmom it frequently backfires. A child who is forced to honor “dad’s wife” typically resents her in the long run. If the child is allowed to build the relationship over time, in a way they feel comfortable, they often begin to view the stepparent as a positive.
13. Hubby has a job. In my opinion hubby should be jumping through hoops and trying to walk on water to show his wife how appreciative he is of her hard work. Being a stepmom is one of the hardest, thankless and most self-sacrificing jobs ever. Dad should treat his wife like, “Queen for a Day.” Unfortunately, he often wants or desires for his kids to do the honoring. And if they desire it—great!
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/miniseries
God is Good
God is Good
14. Advisable Alternatives. Here is something Dad can do that might help. “Hey kids, I’m going to the mall to buy Tasha a Mother’s Day gift for being such a great stepmom to you kids. Do you want to come with me? If you want to get her something too, I’ll help. I know you have a mom that you want to honor that day, and it’s hard to live in two homes. If it makes you uncomfortable—I understand. I just wanted to ask because I’m going to get her a gift.”
15. Avoid Church. Yes, I said it. In some churches Mother’s Day is exceedingly focused on biological moms and only honoring women who are mothers. It’s ok for one day to dodge the place that triggers more pain.
16. When Brunch is Bad. If your husband is treating you to lunch or dinner, and you are struggling with Mother’s Day, it’s a good idea to avoid places that hand out a pink carnation to every woman who walks through the door. Choose something fun or different this year. It will be hard to avoid the standard “Happy Mother’s Day” as you enter. Just smile, nod, tip well and be nice to the waitress. She must work on one of the busiest days of the year.
17. God is Good. I’m now a Nana to two fabulous grandkids ages 25 and 20. Notice I didn’t call them step-grandkids. That’s because I’ve been in their lives since they were born, and both daughters-in-law wanted me to be Nana. They only know me as Nana. I’ve never been anything else. When they call me on Mother’s Day and say, “Happy Mother’s Day, Nana,” the sound of their voice is precious. It’s a natural connection between us. This is one of the perks of learning how to become like Jesus. And letting go of the things that “I wish were true” and embracing the true things.
I’m so much more than a stepmom. And it’s ONE DAY of the year. Recently, the following Sunday has been deemed Stepmom Day if you wish to celebrate.
Photo Credit: GettyImages/Ridofranz
Originally published April 25, 2025.
