5 Serious Stumbling Blocks That Damage Parent-Adult Child Relationships

1. Overbearing parenting.

One of the most common problems parents of adult children face is being too overbearing. That means continuing to exert control over your adult children’s lives. While it’s natural to want to offer guidance and support, crossing the line into micromanagement can lead to resentment and strain in the relationship. Your adult children have grown into independent people, with their own aspirations and ways of navigating life. Constantly hovering over them, questioning their decisions, and insisting on having a say in every aspect of their lives can convey a lack of trust and respect for their autonomy. Proverbs 15:1 points out: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Instead of imposing your will, practice patience, trust, and respectful communication – allowing your children the space to make their own decisions and learn from their experiences. Remember, your role now is more about being a source of wisdom and support rather than a director of their lives. Offer guidance when they ask you for it, but also trust in the values you’ve instilled in them over the years to guide their choices. While it’s good to want your adult children to live lives of purpose and grow in holiness, recognize that there are many ways they can do so. Disapproving of their life choices (such as their careers or relationships) can drive a wedge between you. Romans 14:13 advises: “Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.” Offer your adult children advice with humility, trusting that they are capable of making decisions that are best for them – even if those decisions differ from your own preferences. By giving them the freedom to make their own decisions, you not only help them become more confident, but you also demonstrate your unconditional love for them. Allow them the space to stumble and learn from their mistakes, just as you did when you were their age. This journey of letting go and allowing your children to make independent choices may be challenging, but it’s ultimately necessary for the growth and strength of your relationship.

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2. Lack of boundaries.

Failing to establish clear boundaries can also contribute to tension in the parent-adult child dynamic. Your adult children have their own responsibilities and priorities, so respecting their boundaries is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. Whether it’s dropping by their homes unannounced, meddling in their personal choices, or expecting them to be constantly available to you, disregarding boundaries can lead to frustration and a sense of intrusion. Just as God respects your free will and allows you to make your own choices, it’s important for you to do the same for your adult children. Ephesians 4:29 advises: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Honor your adult children’s autonomy by respecting their boundaries and treating them with intentional kindness. Establishing boundaries doesn’t mean cutting off communication or excluding yourself from their lives. Instead, it’s about finding a balance between offering support and guidance while also allowing them the space to live their lives on their terms. Open and honest communication is key. So, discuss boundaries openly with your adult children, listen to their concerns, and be willing to compromise where necessary. Respecting boundaries is a sign of love and respect, not indifference. This will strengthen the trust and understanding between you.

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3. Unrealistic expectations.

Another stumbling block in parent-adult child relationships is the burden of unrealistic expectations. As parents, you may have certain plans for your children, but expecting them to fulfill your own ambitions when they don’t agree with those ambitions can lead to disappointment and resentment. God has given your adult children their own talents, interests, and paths in life. Proverbs 19:21 reveals: “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” Surrender your own plans for your adult children to their heavenly Father’s good plans for them. Release your children from the pressure of living up to your expectations and instead embrace and celebrate their unique journeys. Allow them the freedom to explore their own interests and pursue their own dreams, even if they differ from what you envisioned for them. Ephesians 3:20 assures you that God: “… is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” So, trust in God’s purposes for your adult children, knowing that it will exceed your expectations in wonderful ways. Ask God to help you notice and appreciate the wonder of his work in your adult children’s lives. The more you see that God is at work in their lives, the more you can enjoy the peace of mind that will help you let go of unrealistic expectations. That will create room for a loving and respectful relationship between you. 

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4. Ineffective communication.

Healthy communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, yet it’s an area where many parents and adult children struggle. Ineffective communication – such as avoiding difficult conversations, talking over each other, or failing to truly listen – can block understanding and intimacy. James 1:19 advises: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Proverbs 18:13 adds further wisdom: “To answer before listening – that is folly and shame.” Aim to cultivate open, honest, and empathetic communication between you. Make space for your adult children to express themselves freely and without judgment. Create an atmosphere of trust and mutual respect where both parties feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. Keep in mind that effective communication is not just about speaking, but also about active listening and seeking to understand another person’s perspective. Take the time to truly listen to what your adult children have to say, without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Show empathy and validation for their experiences and emotions, even if you don’t agree with them. Acknowledge that their feelings and perspectives are valid and worthy of consideration. When discussing sensitive topics or addressing conflicts, don’t assign blame, but approach the conversation with humility and a willingness to resolve issues well. Focus on finding common ground and working together to find mutually beneficial solutions. Healthy communication takes practice. So, be patient and keep in mind that it’s a journey of growth and understanding for everyone involved. When you strengthen your communication, you can strengthen your relationship with your adult children in significant ways.

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5. Failure to apologize.

No human being is infallible. As a parent, there will be times when you make mistakes or inadvertently hurt your adult children. However, failing to apologize and take responsibility for your actions can erode trust and undermine the relationship between you. Matthew 5:23-24 urges: “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” Offering a sincere apology when you’ve hurt your adult children is an important demonstration of love. Admit your mistakes – from a thoughtless remark to a breach of trust – and express genuine remorse. When apologizing to your adult children, be sincere and specific about what you’re apologizing for. Avoid making excuses or shifting blame onto others. Instead, take full ownership of your actions and their impact. Proverbs 28:13 points out: “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” Express your commitment to repairing the relationship and ask for forgiveness. Understand that forgiveness is a process and may take time. But by giving them a heartfelt apology, you’re taking the first step toward reconciliation. Apologizing doesn’t diminish your authority or undermine your role as a parent. Instead, it demonstrates your humanity and love. When you apologize, you set a strong example of faith for your adult children to follow in their own relationships. They see that you take God’s command to pursue peaceful relationships seriously, which can inspire them to do the same.

In conclusion, relationships between parents and adult children can be complex and challenging at times. But God is a loving father who will help you manage the relationship between you and your adult children well. If you stop these five key behaviors that can harm your relationship, and trust God to help you change how you relate to them, you can see significant improvements. So, don’t worry about what has happened in the past between you. Move forward now with God’s help to build a relationship of love and respect with your adult children. There is hope for you all to enjoy a strong relationship going forward.

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