5 Signs You're Caught in a Cycle of Looking for Approval

1. When you avoid confrontation

When you seek the approval of others, rarely will you ever confront someone or stir the pot. This happens because the need to be accepted overrides the desire to confront someone for what they are doing or what they believe. By confrontation, I am not saying to go and be argumentative, but when you see bad behavior or beliefs, especially in the circle you are part of, you should be willing to call it out. You know you seek approval if you choose not to call it out or feel like you can’t. This is especially true if you still want to remain part of the group.

This happens at all levels and in different circumstances. In churches, pastors may overlook certain people's sins or refuse to discuss topics because they don’t want to lose favor. Politicians will flip-flop on their values because they want to maintain their approval ratings and the backing of their party. Even congregants in a church may dismiss leadership behavior because they don’t want to rock the boat. All of these are signs you are seeking approval. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying confrontation is easy, but sometimes it is necessary. If the fear of confronting has you worried you may no longer be welcomed in the group, that is a sign you are seeking approval from that group.

A promise to remember: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Photo Credit:©Getty Images/Koldunova_Anna

2. When you compromise your values

When seeking approval becomes your top priority, it will eventually lead to compromise. In that space of compromising, you lay aside your values because your desire to be part of the group overshadows your need to stick to your beliefs. This is why there is such a thing as peer pressure. Peer pressure is not just reserved for teenagers; this can happen at all stages of life. The thought process can go like this. Since everyone else is doing it, why be the party pooper? This all ties into the need for approval. I know these can be difficult choices to make because, for most people, the one thing they don’t want to do is stick out from the group. However, if you find yourself compromising your values just so you can fit in, my friend, you are caught in a cycle of seeking approval.

A biblical truth to help you: “Blessed are those whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord. Blessed are those who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart—they do no wrong but follow his ways.” (Psalm 119:1-3)

Photo Credit:©Getty Images/Stevanovicigor

3. When you worry too much about what people think

So often, we worry about what people will think about our decisions. In some cases, rather than doing what we feel or believe we should do, we may change our decisions because we fear how people think or how we will be perceived. I have learned that worrying about what people think when you are trying to do the right thing can create anxiety and paralyze you. I must point out I am only speaking of situations where you desire to live right and please God. If you make sinful choices, you should be concerned about how you are perceived. 

At the same time, I am not saying you should never consider how people will feel; I am saying that should not be the deciding factor over whether you will do what is right. If Jesus cared about what people thought of him, he would have never gone to the cross. However, he prioritized pleasing God over pleasing people.

Another reason you cannot be subject to what people think is because I have discovered they will talk about you anyway. So, don’t worry so much about what people think. Worry more about what God thinks and whether you are doing what he wants.

A proverb to encourage you: “It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you, but if you trust the Lord, you are safe.” (Proverbs 29:25)

Photo Credit:©GettyImages/Povozniuk

4. When you always look to please people  

The need for approval, especially from a group you are close to, will sometimes lead you to do things to make them happy. Even if this comes at your own expense, there will be times when you will have to make tough decisions that will not make the people around you happy. However, in these moments, if the decision is right and God is pleased, that must become your top priority.

In 2011, I met Diana; three months after we met, we married. Before meeting her, I had been married before, and my first wife passed away. This left me without a wife and my son Terrence without a mother. A few weeks after meeting her, I knew she was the person God had brought into our lives and was the one for me to marry. The problem was I was convinced, but some people close to me were not. I am sure they had good intentions, but they were off. At that point, I had a choice to make. I could seek to please those close to me to win their approval, or I could do what God wanted. In this instance, I chose to follow God’s plan even if it meant creating displeasure for those around me. Looking back, had I gone the route of pleasing people, I would have missed what God had for me, and Terrence would have missed out on his new mom.

I want to caution you here because I am not saying to be a renegade, do whatever you want, and not worry about pleasing people. Before I decided to marry Diana, I was convinced in my heart, but I also got counsel from my pastor and godly friends whom I know and trust. These were people who I knew would tell me the truth. For you, an indicator you are stuck needing approval is if you feel the decisions you make must please those closest to you.

A verse to hide in your heart: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)

Photo Credit:©GettyImages/Moon Safari

5. When you fear rejection

As I mentioned, no one wants to be an outsider because we all want to be part of the team. This need for approval can sometimes reveal itself in a fear of rejection. This plays out when you hide your true personality because you don’t want to be rejected by the group. This can play out in friendships and other relationships. In dating relationships, people may change who they are because they want to hold on to the person they are dating. If you are in a situation where you feel like you can’t be yourself or change your personality to fit in, you may be in that cycle of seeking approval.

One of the beautiful things about coming to Christ is that he works through your personality to accomplish his will in your life. Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, quiet or loud, shy, or someone who can make friends with anyone, Jesus takes who you are and uses it for his kingdom. 

A hope to hold onto: “Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.” (1 Corinthians 1:26-29)

As you think about approval, let it begin with approval from God. If you have that, then those around you will eventually catch up.

Photo Credit:©GettyImages/PeopleImages