5 Small Ways to Start Giving Your Teenager Independence

2. Building Trust and Communication with Your Teen.

To build trust with your teen learn the valuable skill of creating more dialogue with them. While it’s tempting to go into lecture mode you would be wise to create space for them to dialogue with you so they can help you understand where they are coming from. When my kids reached adolescence, I remember how hard it was for me to break the “lecturing” habit. We live 22 miles up a canyon which provided lots of time for conversations with our kids. However, that car ride was completely wasted when mom went into lecture mode. I recall my husband gently trying to help me see the error of my ways. He said, “I literally see their eyes glaze over when you go into lecture mode.” And you know what? He was right. I even knew how ineffective my lectures had become, but to be honest, it was my default way of communicating with them - a default that needed to be changed.

I asked my husband to help me retrain myself so I could communicate with our children in a more trust-building manner. More times than I’d like to admit, my husband would reach over and begin rubbing my leg to help me realize that, once again, my attempt to communicate had morphed into giving yet another lecture. You may not have a trusted companion who can help you redirect your ways, so let me help you out with this important tip: Ask Questions. Profound, right? Stephen R Cove, Author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, makes this important observation: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen to reply”

Rather than putting on an interrogation persona, choose to investigate with interest. Come from a place that lets your teen know that you are listening. Approach your conversations in a way that lets your teen know how you wonder what it is like to be them. What is their motivation? How did they feel in that situation? What might they do differently if they had a do-over? Imagine you are a person gathering information for an article you want to write. The best interviews occur when good questions are asked - questions that seek to discover the why and who they are rather than the where and what they did. Make sense?

3. Setting Boundaries and Respecting Limits

“Because I said so…” Oh, that this familiar parenting mantra would be enough to influence your teen to comply. But the truth is, our teens need to know the whys and why nots. And if you don’t let them work through their thought process with you, they’ll find someone else to listen to - and that “someone” might not have their best interest at heart. Teen brains are processing life’s complicated choices, and they need answers from you. So, love them enough to engage in the difficult conversations. For example, when our oldest daughter wasn’t allowed to spend unsupervised time at the home of a boy she liked, she felt like we didn’t trust her.

In 18 years of youth ministry, my husband was fully aware of the life-altering consequences unsupervised dating can create. It would have been easier for him to say, “Don’t tell me about trust. I’ve watched teens make huge mistakes when they’re unsupervised, and that’s not going to happen to my daughter!”  But, rather, Steve had a trust building conversation with our daughter. He began by telling her how he admired her love for the Lord. And he helped her understand just how much faith he had in her good character. But then Steve took time to explain to her how easily two teens who are attracted to one another can be seduced by the enemy. He explained some intimate details of how our bodies respond to the physical aspect of attraction. As Steve shared details that made them both uncomfortable, his vulnerable conversation helped her see how easily she and the boy could become involved sexually. He ended the talk by saying, “The very idea that you think you can handle it is evidence that you aren’t ready to handle it.” He went on, “It is my job as a dad to help you walk in purity. One day, you’ll have to guard your purity all by yourself, but while you’re living in my home, I take very seriously my responsibility to help you learn how to remain sexually pure before the Lord.”

Steve ended the conversation by offering our home as a place where the two could spend time together safely. In the end, that is exactly what happened.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Paperkites

4. Allowing Room for Decision Making and Mistakes

I know, I know, it’s easier to just tell your children what to do and what not to do. Listing dos and don’ts might be effective when your kids are small, but it is vital to allow room for decision-making as your children mature. For some children who have had a parent’s constant control over their everyday decisions, learning to discern on their own can feel like a monumental task. If you haven’t provided decision-making opportunities, imagine how ill-prepared your child will feel after he leaves the safety of your nest.

In our culture, a good worker is one who exhibits good decision-making qualities. You do your child a great favor by providing a safe place to make decisions and learn the consequences of their mistakes. The great Winston Churchill observed: “All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes.” So, allowing your son to stumble from time to time might be just what he needs to prepare him to learn from his mistakes, equipping him for life out from under your care.

So, you would be wise to take time to evaluate areas where you can leave the decision making process in the hands of your child. And then allow them to learn real-life consequences when he makes a mistake. For example, you can leave it to your adolescent’s discretion if he should attend a function that will keep him up late the night before his big game the following morning.

If your child suffers the consequence of his poor choice, he might make a better decision next time around.

5. Nurturing Independence Through Positive Reinforcement

As you learn to let loose of your grip on your adolescent child (and it is a learning process), realize how they will not always make the best choices. Be ready to celebrate with them when they do well. But don’t be shocked when their immaturity influences their decisions. After all, they are immature. In my book, Moms Raising Sons to Be Men, you can learn practical ways to guide your son toward godly independence. Your job is not to simply push them away from your leadership. Instead, you are to help them grow up with the confidence to live independently from you and be dependent upon Christ.

Look for ways to celebrate when your son or daughter is moving in the right direction. This concerted effort will do wonders in building their confidence and growing their appreciation for your guidance. Making your child wrestle against you for opportunities to be independent is not a wise path to follow. Remember, your teen is looking for ways to grow up. This process is a natural part of life that includes their longing to grow independent from you. So, don’t become offended when they start pushing you away. Rather, it is vital for you to find ways to slowly and wisely hand them their independence, guide them to Christ when they falter, and honor and celebrate their wise choices as they grow less dependent upon you.